**OCD is so much more than just being clean and organized, it can fixated on anything and it is so debilitating. OCD is rooted in doubt, and therefore judgement of why someone struggles with a particular theme is extremely triggering.
I am a 21F in a relationship with a 21M for a year and half. He is absolutely the love of life and we are very committed (we live together, have a pet, he supports/provides for me). He has never given me a reason or suspicion to doubt his loyalty to me and I believe I am genuinely very loyal to him, but the OCD tells me otherwise.
I recently quit vaping, which has reawakened the OCD. I have a lot of sexual trauma(which caused hypersexuality for me) in my history that has caused me a lot of shame and guilt and I’m still trying to work through. I am also bisexual, so the stigma around that also adds to the shame/guilt. The OCD has focused on my past and obsessively trying to recall past events and situations where I may have done “something wrong” in my relationship when I know I have never cheated/flirted/sexted/etc with anyone while being with my partner. Confessing these things to him to seek reassurance is the compulsion I struggle with.
It’s current fixation is that one time, over a year ago, I was having “alone time with my body” and fantasized a fictitious scenario with a fictitious woman. I felt awful after and have not done it since. I was able to move on then but now I feel horribly guilty that I ever thought about anything or anyone other than him while sexually pleasuring myself and Im feeling the compulsion to confess this to him. I’m really trying to reassure myself that I can have private thoughts/moments with my sexuality and that does not mean I “cheated” on him. And that this very thing is normal among couples at least from what I’ve seen when I looked up if this was “cheating” several times know in that past day. I’m obsessively thinking about how awful this is and feel like I am the worst person alive.
He’s been really understanding of everything other issue I’ve had under this OCD theme, but I’m scared this is pushing the limit of what he’s able to handle hearing/reassuring. If it was confirmed to me that he had done what I did I would be devastated, like I would rather just not know. I trying to remember that we’re all human and have sexual thoughts/urges regardless of our relationship status, but I feel guilty that I “acted on it” by pleasuring myself.
This is really tearing me up inside and advice/support would be really appreciated. Thank you!
TL;DR:
I have OCD where I obsessively over analyze my actions in fear that I’m somehow “cheating” on my partner. It has currently fixated on one time, over a year ago, where I was alone and wanted some time with my own sexuality and m*sturbated to a fantasy about a fictitious woman. I now feel like that was “cheating” and that I am a horrible person and impure in my relationship. It makes me feel like the worst person ever and the only way I feel I can relieve the anxiety is to give in to the compulsion to confess this to my partner. Though I recognize it’s a compulsion and giving in to it only makes the OCD stronger, I feel so overwhelmed with anxiety that I don’t know what to do and I can’t take it anymore.
3 comments
Former ocd sufferer here, so I get it. Nicotine was the only thing that significantly helped me. I’m still on a low dose of the patch but trying to get off due to an unrelated health issue. The good news is that after about 7 years on it and tapering off extremely slowly, I haven’t had too much of a rebound. I think it kind of reset me to some extent. Maybe a slow taper on the patch will help you. I use a kind that is safe to cut, so I can very slowly reduce the dose.
The other thing that helped tremendously was getting a full time job. You said your BF is supporting you. OCD has a way of attaching to your worst fears. If you are financially dependent on him, then of course your OCD is going to fixate things related to potentially losing him. A job is also a great distraction from the repetitive thoughts.
Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor and am not recommending anyone start nicotine to treat their OCD. I accidentally discovered it helped and am now trying to get off of it because of a heath issue that is aggravated by it.
Are you actively being treated for your OCD and this situation in particular?
I wonder if a not-your-partner outlet would help alleviate this for you. Journaling, “confessing” this stuff to a therapist, etc. Obviously symptoms could decrease over time with therapy and/or medication, but until then, obviously you need an outlet for this specific symptom and you understand it’s not healthy/fair to put it on your boyfriend constantly.
You are definitely not a cheat. Fantasising is totally normal and doesn’t hurt anyone. If your boyfriend knows you are bi he will have worked out that you have fantasies about women from time to time.
Can you see a therapist? OCD is a complex condition and a bit above Reddit’s paygrade. Plus a therapist is someone outside of your relationship that you can speak to confidentially and without fear of judgement.