I have been dating my boyfriend for over 1.5yrs now. I’m 24F and he is 23M. Marriage is something that is both important to us though admittedly, I am the one who is in more of a rush.
I don’t want to live together before marriage whereas my boyfriend grew up with the mentality that you must live together before marriage.
We’ve met each other half way and I’ve agreed to live together with him once we get engaged. However, he feels that we can only get married once he feels comfortable that we can live together well. I thought I was OK with that but I realised I don’t want to get engaged if my partner still needs to live together with me as another test before getting married. I’d still like to live together while being engaged since I love spending time with my boyfriend but I don’t want to go into engagement with my boyfriend still feeling unsure about getting married to me.
Also moving in with my bf means moving over 1.5-2hrs away from my family, friends and social activities. It’s also very far away from Sydney CBD and I much prefer the suburban lifestyle I have now to the more laidback and somewhat isolating lifestyle in the central coast where my bf lives. We discussed this and he did say he will be willing to move closer to Sydney if I hated it in the central coast but still, it’s a big move to make especially if he ends up breaking up with me when we are engaged because he decided that the way I stack plates is too annoying or whatever.
Im not sure what to do because I respect his need to live together before marriage but it’s something I don’t feel comfortable doing.
Advice on how to compromise on this would be really helpful – thanks
15 comments
I’m with your partner on this. You truly can’t know a person completely until you live together. You will learn each other’s good and bad habits, things you can deal with, need to compromise on, or things that are deal breakers etc.
I think it would be foolish to get married without having lived together first. Preferably for at least a year.
Sounds like you need to sit down and talk. Lay out why you believe what you do about marriage and if the marriage part progresses, why want to live where you live and than take stock of where the relationship is
I am with your BF here. Marriage isn’t permanent anymore. It is best to find out if you are compatible by living together before making a decision that while difficult to undo is not impossible.
Not living together before getting married is a recipe for an impending divorce 😐
Living together prior to it is important to get a real feel on how you function as a domestic unit
Can you explain your reasoning further? Why don’t you want to live together with “just” your bf when you love spending time together.
And if you are sure you want to get married, does it matter if you are engaged a year earlier or later?
>We’ve met each other half way and I’ve agreed to live together with him once we get engaged. However, he feels that we can only get married once he feels comfortable that we can live together well. I thought I was OK with that but I realised I don’t want to get engaged if my partner still needs to live together with me as another test before getting married. I’d still like to live together while being engaged since I love spending time with my boyfriend but I don’t want to go into engagement with my boyfriend still feeling unsure about getting married to me.
You’ve countered his request with an impossible situation. What do you want?
You definitely need to reconsider this – you do not fully know someone until you live with them. It will save you sooooo much grief for yourself in the long run, whether it’s because you figure out you aren’t compatible or because it gives you time to understand the idiosyncrasies of living together and go into marriage stronger by fully understanding that.
You are getting a lot of biased responses that have no factual evidence. Such as “you can’t know someone until you live together”.
No, that is been proven to be inherently false.
Couples who lived together prior to marriage still have a higher rate of divorce than couples who did not. Just because all the cool kids are doing it now does not mean you should make the same choices they make.
A successful marriage is the result of extensive pre-marriage prep, working as a team, and advanced communication skills. Living with each other does not improve any of these things. They are all things you have to choose to invest in doing regardless of where you live. And that being said you can live with each other and work on these things.
But don’t let anyone tell you something that has been **proven false by several studies**.
References:
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5956907/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5956907/)
[https://ifstudies.org/blog/premarital-cohabitation-is-still-associated-with-greater-odds-of-divorce](https://ifstudies.org/blog/premarital-cohabitation-is-still-associated-with-greater-odds-of-divorce)
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/is-living-together-marriage-associated-divorce](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/is-living-together-marriage-associated-divorce)
[https://sites.utexas.edu/contemporaryfamilies/2014/03/10/cohabitation-divorce-brief-report/](https://sites.utexas.edu/contemporaryfamilies/2014/03/10/cohabitation-divorce-brief-report/)
[https://aleteia.org/2023/01/24/research-shows-that-marrying-relatively-young-without-living-together-first-results-in-the-most-durable-marriages/](https://aleteia.org/2023/01/24/research-shows-that-marrying-relatively-young-without-living-together-first-results-in-the-most-durable-marriages/)
[https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/10/premarital-cohabitation-divorce/573817/](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/10/premarital-cohabitation-divorce/573817/)
You do need to live to together first but I wouldn’t move almost 2 hours away🤷♀️
Your boyfriend lives far from you so you probably don’t see him all that often, definitely not every day. You have no idea what it would be like to live with him. It might be awful. One of you might be super messy to live with or lazy and it would cause a lot of resentment. I agree with commenters and your boyfriend that it’s best to live together before marriage especially in a newish relationship (like less than 5 years) and especially if you live far from each other and don’t see each other that often.
Most people say marriage before children. That would be the incentive to be married for you both, and also marriage before buying property together is something people recommend often. You’ve already said that marriage is something that means a lot to both, why would you risk not even liking living with someone before marrying them? Wouldn’t you rather be 100% sure so that you don’t just end up divorcing? You might love him but you have no idea what it will be like living with him.
It’s better he breaks up with you over the way you stack plates than him divorcing you over it. It’s still a big commitment to move in with someone especially if you sign a lease together, it’s a big step in the direction of marriage and having a life together. He could propose before you move in together but you know that he won’t be genuine so maybe you need to adjust your expectations.
Don’t wait until after marriage to live together. It changes the dynamics of a relationship massively and you don’t want to realise that you can’t stand each other 24/7/365 after you bound yourselves legally to each other. Live at least a year together before thinking of marrying.
And tbh.: STOP putting the pressure to rush into marriage on your relationship!
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Also this whole paragraph:
>Also moving in with my bf means moving over 1.5-2hrs away from my family, friends and social activities. It’s also very far away from Sydney CBD and I much prefer the suburban lifestyle I have now to the more laidback and somewhat isolating lifestyle in the central coast where my bf lives. We discussed this and he did say he will be willing to move closer to Sydney if I hated it in the central coast but still, it’s a big move to make especially if he ends up breaking up with me when we are engaged because he decided that the way I stack plates is too annoying or whatever.
literally screams: You are not even close to a point in your relationship where you should get engaged to each other least marry! You don’t even live close to each other. You don’t have the same social circles. You prefer different living spaces. Sorry but getting married at this point is a sure way to have a divorce within 2 years but most likely much earlier. Sort out your life of being together before tying the knot!
Why is it you who has to try living in his preferred area? Why can’t he try living where you live first?
If you’re not sure if you’ll like living where he lives then you definitely need to try it before you are married rather than just getting married and hoping for the best?
Living together really does change everything in a relationship, there’s so so so much more you learn about a partner once you actually live together no matter how much you think you know them. And it REALLY can make or break a relationship. I respect that you’d prefer to be married befor living together but what if your or his habits/hygeine/expectations/chores/relationship labour/sex life/ attraction change once you start living together- then you’re looking at divorce rather than a break up if it doesn’t go well.
I’m with him, you learn so much by living together and I think it’s kind of insane to be engaged without having experienced that