My (25f) boyfriend (30m) and I have been together in a ldr for a year and a half. This is my first relationship; I’m my bf’s third. My bf used to be very, very open about who he found attractive. He would call actresses, characters, and other girls we knew online hot or sexy unprompted. He would tell me why. (Now I wonder if he was the kind of guy who would have gawked at women around him irl, but alas I will never know). I’ve never seen the point in calling other men hot in front of him. He doesn’t \*need\* to know I find them attractive, and I have enough self-control to keep my mouth shut. It’s not so important of a thought that I feel like I have to stop the conversation just to mention it. So *to me* when he made these comments, that these ladies were hot, they felt like a big deal because why else would he feel so compelled to say it? At least he never really brings up his exes and so I’ve never had a problem with them lol
It didn’t bother me too much at the start of the relationship but then it kept happening, and I also started to care about him more. I used to be so much more confident. I loved myself, had a few insecurities that every girl has. Now I feel like a shell of myself. I dont feel like me anymore. He even had a type, which I could tell even before he flat out told me. It was at this point that I knew I had a problem with it, but I didn’t know I was *allowed* to not be okay with the comments. I thought this behavior was normal, but now I know that it’s okay for me to have boundaries and that this is one of them.
So I told him about it several months ago and he’s long since stopped, especially after our first meet up. We’ve talked about it several times and I’m open to him about everything now. He compliments me all the time and does make me feel beautiful. He calls me hot more now too. But I didn’t tell him early enough because I genuinely did not know my boundaries, which is my biggest mistake. The part of me that is resentful is that I wish he wasn’t the type of guy to do this, with or without me telling him.
However I can’t get the past comments out of my head. I feel like he’s always mentally “ogling” every woman nearby if they’re even slightly attractive. **I’m not worried he’ll cheat,** but I get insecure when he looks at other women he could find hot. I always wonder if the random girls will be a breath of fresh air to him, something new and exciting to think about. I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to blurt out what a babe she is.
We are exhausted talking about it. So we try distraction and I try to stay positive before I’m bottling up for too long. Rinse, repeat.
Before anyone says it: yes, *I am extremely aware that I’m insecure*, and yes I’m in therapy for this and my anxiety.
I’m specifically looking for relationship advice. What else can we do as a couple to get over this bump? Has anyone else experienced this? Help me change my perspective?
2 comments
For some people, it’s perfectly normal to proclaim others attractive – or being open with their thoughts and life story falls into the same bracket.
Others are more reserved and would rather keep private thoughts and private matters, private.
There isn’t anything inherently wrong with either.
The problem here is primarily yours imo – you’re insecure and the result is that you’re worrying about every female your bf ever comes into contact with.
The problem isn’t them or him – it’s that you’re not valuing *yourself* enough.
I have a similar view to yours as far as calling out others attractiveness – I don’t feel there’s any need, specifically because it can result in a scenario like this one, where you feel devalued by it, so I can understand where you’re coming from.
It’s still something you’re going to need to work through on your own though.
If you value yourself, you don’t feel threatened by others; particularly celebrities, where there is really zero threat to your relationship.
Once you are able to come to the same conclusion yourself, this won’t be an issue.
You said you find other men attractive but choose not to say anything. Also, you watch movies and tv with other attractive men but still value him very highly, assumedly. It’s the same from his perspective. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but no one will ever be the most attractive human on the planet. And it’s a sure fire way to drive yourself mad to fixate on every single person he’s looking at. Again, from your perspective you are aware that other attractive men exist but what do you do about it? Nothing. It’s the same for him. He’s aware, but doesn’t do anything about it. So why does it matter?