Hello reddit, I hope you guys can help me navigate our relationship.
My partner and I met online through video games about 6 years ago, and we’ve had a long distance relationship since then. We would plan trips every 6 months to see each other for a week (we were still in college so we couldn’t afford to meet longer than that), and after graduating I would invite her to stay longer periods. Recently she was able to get a job close to me so we were finally able to move-in together and live that dream life we always dreamt of, or so we thought.
Now, while dating her I knew she had childhood trauma from her parents, especially her dad. She’s been verbally abused and manipulated so much that she has social and general anxiety, depression, and heavy dependency on others to navigate life. She’s also against any physical affection, unless it’s on her own terms. In hindsight the signs were there, but I kind of brushed it aside because I’ve never dealt with mental health issues before and thought they would just naturally heal over time, especially if she could move out away from her parents.
After moving in together I began to slowly realize I was adjusting my needs and desires to cater to her. For example, I like it when my partner comes up randomly and gives me a hug or a kiss, but she doesn’t do it to me and she hates it when I do it to her so I’m not getting the physical affection I want from her. She’s quick to be frustrated and takes her frustrations out on me, by being testy and snarky. Whenever we talk about these things or have arguments in general, she will break down and hyper-ventilate, so I try to change the topic and say I will just change instead of her. Don’t get me wrong, there are some good moments and we had plenty of laughs and memories. She shares the same interests as me (gaming, anime), is intelligent and witty enough to hold conversations when she’s not distressed, and I find her physically attractive. But I feel like I’m not telling her my true wants because I’m afraid of hurting her and further traumatizing her. I asked her to see a therapist multiple times but she says therapy doesn’t work on Asian childhood trauma.
We had a talk today where I finally put my foot down, and asked if we could work together to come to a solution. But she had another mental breakdown and said she needed to be alone (I’m away on business right now and we were talking on the phone). I feel really guilty again and feel like I should apologize, tell her I’ll change again to accommodate her. But if I do this I’m back to square one where I’m not being true to myself and to her. What should I do?
2 comments
Don’t apologize. Insist she gets into therapy because you cannot and will not continue to live like this. Her mental health is not your responsibility to manage.
It’s not your job to help her through her trauma. You’re her boyfriend, not her therapist. She needs a therapist. Period.
There’s a strong stigma attached to therapy in a lot of Asian cultures. Her comment that it doesn’t work on Asian childhood trauma is, obviously, absurd. But there are certainly Asian therapists out there, and she might be more likely to see one that way, if it helps her feel that they’ll do a better job understanding what she dealt with as a child and what she’s living with now.
She’s absolutely not going to change without therapy, and even with therapy it’s going to take years. Use that information as you decide whether it’s worth staying with her in this relationship.