So let me start off by saying me (24m) and my boyfriend (20m) do have an overall very good relationship. We’ve been together for 15 months and living together for 6 months. Excuse me for my English as it is not my first language.
Over the course of our relationship we did experience some issues. My libido is higher so it could lead to some tension at certain points. My boyfriend finds it difficult to talk about his true feelings so that leaves me in the dark part of the time. We did have some big fights in the past but we always did resolve it within the hour.
This brings us to last night. It had been a long day and we were both tired. At a certain moment in the night we woke up while he was horny. So we did have sex. After this he became angry because he was tired and wanted to sleep. The problem i have with this is that i can’t leave it alone when he is angry. I want to fix it in the moment. So, i will nag until he responds to me.
This leads to annoyance on his part. Then it has some kind of domino effect till it is a full-blown fight. During this fight he said we’re done. After some time stuff cools down till we’re asleep.
This morning he said again that we are done. I asked him why he would dump me now and begged him to reconsider. In the end, we did continue with the relationship.
My question is; how can i be the bigger person during a fight? When i’m thinking rationally, like right now, i think it will not happen again. But when the moment’s there and i think he’s unreasonable i will start to pry for answers, even if he does not give them. So i think my question is; How can i make our fights (when they do happen) more mature? I have this feeling that i change to a toddler throwing a tamper tantrum when i can’t resolve the fight directly. This leads to more arguing.
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TLDR: My boyfriend and i have an overall good relationship. However, when we do fight, it does escalate sometimes. He shuts down and i become unreasonable. How can i be the bigger person and better myself?
2 comments
> It had been a long day and we were both tired. At a certain moment in the night we woke up while he was horny. So we did have sex. After this he became angry because he was tired and wanted to sleep
He got angry because he was tired? That sounds like HES the toddler, not you. But ok, here’s the thing, if you care about someone, you care about how they feel. And if he’s upset but doesn’t explain his feelings, you’re left wondering what the problem is. Once in awhile is fine, but if he does this a lot, it’s not healthy, it’ll cause the other partner (you) to feel constantly on edge not knowing what’s going on.
To solve this, you’ll both need to make adjustments and it depends on why he finds it difficult to share his feelings, is he defensive due to not feeling emotionally safe, does he have trouble articulating his feelings, when upset does he shut down?
I’m the same kind of person he is.
When I’m mad, you leave me alone. If you don’t, I’ll lash out at you. It’s really just whatever’s around me, so I isolate to destress and come back to the discussion with a clear and level head.
My husband is exactly like you. He CAN’T walk away. He doesn’t want to leave things upset. He gets overwhelmingly scared that if I walk away, I won’t come back.
This sounds… maybe a little dumb, but… when we argue, we came up with an idea. I tell him I need a second. We sit there quietly until I’m ready to speak. That way both of us get what we need. I calm down, and we don’t deal with his panic.
Now, in your situation, I don’t understand how he’s horny, gets the sex HE wants, and gets to be angry afterward. That’s just completely irrational unless you’re leaving something out.
You can try what I do with my husband or try to work out something else between the two of you. Other than that, you should seriously consider therapy because your desire to fix things immediately is impairing your interpersonal relationships. Some people just need space, and disregarding that is disrespectful.