my (18nonbinary) girlfriend (18f) and i have been dating for 3 months and shortly after we had started dating i met her best friend, they’ve been friends for 13 years since childhood and they’ve been friends long enough to see each other go through things like diagnosis/testing for ADHD and things, my girlfriend told me she was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, depression, ADHD, anxiety, etc, all before getting into the relationship, her friend was tested for ADHD but didn’t score in a range that actually made it very likely… when i met her best friend her and i got pretty friendly and close pretty quickly, her best friend and i both care about my girlfriend a lot and that was a major factor in how we got close as quickly as we did… we developed this dynamic of me asking her for advice when it came to things with my girlfriend, venting frustrations my girlfriend was often very sensitive about and kind of refused to talk about, and things like that… so my girlfriends best friend and i were having a conversation about her recently and it came up that she wasn’t actually diagnosed with BPD, she was just told she was at risk for developing it… my girlfriends best friend told me not to tell my girlfriend she said that, but my girlfriend always made it seem like she was 100% officially diagnosed with BPD… i know she knows herself better than i do or than any psychiatrist might, but i feel like that’s something she should have been upfront about… part of the issue i have with it is also that, since dating her i’ve done research on BPD and found out that the diagnosis isn’t always permanent and that people can heal from it, and she doesn’t seem very willing to work on it, i know it develops as a defense mechanism from trauma and it is probably comfortable to not put in the work to heal but the fear of abandonment and the issues it causes with her emotions and sense of self are damaging to our relationship and make it difficult to communicate issues without severely upsetting her and overwhelming her, i always try to be empathetic and frame it in a constructive and healthy way but she always freaks out and says “can we stop talking about this” or “i don’t want this to be a whole thing” and it makes it nearly impossible to communicate that something she has said or done upsets me or even to communicate that something she has said or done confused me and i just want some kind of explanation for peace of mind… she often uses the diagnosis or symptoms of it to explain away certain behaviors but sometimes it feels like she uses it as an excuse or even to be hypocritical, sometimes she’ll bring up something i do that she doesn’t like and i’ll point out that i thought it was fine because of something she does that’s similar so i figured it wouldn’t be an issue
tl;dr: i found out from girlfriend’s best friend that she wasn’t officially diagnosed with bpd, just told when she was younger that she was at risk for developing it
8 comments
>we developed this dynamic of me asking her for advice when it came to things with my girlfriend, venting frustrations my girlfriend was often very sensitive about and kind of refused to talk about, and things like that
This? this sucks. This shouldn’t be an ongoing dynamic. Imagine how you’d feel if your partner and your best friend were effectively gossiping about you behind your back. I understand you want support but… get a therapist. Don’t do this weird “behind their back” conspiring thing.
> it came up that she wasn’t actually diagnosed with BPD
Neither of you can possibly know that. Why do you believe what her friend has said over what she has told you herself? Maybe things have changed since she told her friend that. Maybe she wasn’t honest with her friend. You dont know! and its concerning that you trust her friend over her.
>i feel like that’s something she should have been upfront about
You’re being as UN-upfront as i can imagine by doing all this scheming and kvetching behind closed doors with this other third party. I dont know why you think that your partner owes it to you to disclose their medical history if you’re going to go around talking about it with others.
All that aside, if you can’t have genuine conversations with your partner about how their behavior impacts you or hurts you, then your relationship is DOA and there’s nothing to be done except to just accept that you will be hurt and they will never have to answer to that because they’ll always have an excuse.
The difference between being diagnosed with it and being told she is at risk for it is really irrelevant. And it is irrelevant to your problem. Either she has the skills to be in a healthy relationship or you should not be with her. If you two can’t talk together and work through issues together, then you should not be with her. It doesn’t matter if that is due to BPD, BPD tendencies, or her simply not caring about how you feel in the relationship. If she can’t be a partner in the relationship, then she shouldn’t be in a relationship with you. Maybe she can be a real partner to someone else or maybe she is not ready for a relationship yet at all. It’s irrelevant. Diagnoses help to explain things, but they do not excuse relationship problems. The problem still exists, and it has to either be fixed or you need to break up. Diagnoses are good in that they can help somebody treat and fix such a problem. If that treatment and fixing isn’t happening or doesn’t work, then it’s a reason to break up.
Your internet research is not a treatment plan.
Mental illness exists on a spectrum. A lot of diagnoses are fluid, or turn out to be incorrect.
You are 18 years old. Her health care is not your business.
Your business is whether or not you feel secure and respected in this relationship.
If you are frequently unable to communicate with her, and you try to manage her with other people behind her back and with online research into BPD outcomes… then it doesn’t matter what her diagnosis or treatment plan are. It matters that the relationship dynamic isn’t meeting your needs.
BPD is a very stigmatizing diagnosis. Many therapists won’t technically diagnose patients with it because BPD patients have very difficult reputations, and it makes it hard for them to find future mental health treatment.
It’s possible this is the situation your gf is in, where her psych has mentioned BPD to her but hasn’t technically given her the diagnosis yet to protect her.
All that said, BPD is a specifically diagnosis that makes it difficult for people to have romantic relationships. You should learn as much about it as you can. /r/bpdlovedones
I have literally zero doubt you will realize within a week of breaking up what a huge bullet you dodged.
She sounds like a pain in the ass, so my advice is to find someone who isn’t.
I have BPD. You’re welcome to /r/bpd. We try to work through things between us without negative subreddits like THAT OTHER ONE. Where we’re apparently all fucking monsters.
The truth is, people SHOULDN’T be diagnosed at your girlfriend’s age, because part of her behavior might just be her age. Hell, I got it myself not too long ago. I do therapy because living with BPD is a nightmare.
If she suspects she may have it, she needs to explore options in therapy. We are capable of many negative things, and we need to get ahead of that. Because while what we ARE isn’t OUR fault, we are still responsible for our actions. Gently encourage her to explore therapy, but be firm that she does need therapy.
That’s weird but is it that serious if she thinks she has it..