Throwaway obviously. I’m going to be as specific as I can but my friend uses Reddit. On my phone so apologies for the formatting.
So I have a friend that I’ll call Herbert. We’ve been friends for 20 years. We’ve each had our share of drama and helped each other through it. We have the same interests, hobbies, humor, political, economic,and sociological stances. We get along about just about everything except communication apparently. Roughly 5 years into our friendship I realized I had fallen in love with him. He was in a relationship at the time and one of my best friends so I supported him from afar and kept it to myself. I was just happy he was happy. Then I was in a relationship by the time they broke up. We went back and forth between which of us was in a relationship so there was never really room for anything to happen until about two years later (7 yr friendship at this point). He had been drinking (so had I but he’d had way more than me) and he starting kissing me. He escalated it to hookup point but then he abruptly stopped, tucked me in next to him to cuddle and we went to sleep. We woke up, he was a little awkward but nothing too concerning and I went home. He ghosted me for like 2 weeks and absolutely refused to answer any texts (completely abnormal) and then popped back into my texts like nothing happened. Well, tried to. I was really hurt by the ghosting thing. I was totally fine being friends but it was as if I didn’t even matter to him as a friend. The texts I sent were innocuous. Like “do you know when -band- is playing -bar- next?”. I didn’t talk to him for like 2 years. In that time I got engaged, moved away, and moved back. When I came back I was so excited to just get to see everyone again and I reconnected with as many friends as I could. Including him. No romantic feelings were involved and we went out in groups. All was fine for about a year. Well coming back one evening we were both tipsy (NOT drunk) and he tried to sleep with me. I was so angry. I asked him how could he even try knowing I was in a relationship. Didn’t he know me at all? I’d rather cut off my arm than cheat on my fiancé. He apologized and stopped. I never told my fiancé (he was abusive) but I went low contact with Herbert. Fast forward some years and I’m now divorced (and traumatized). I reconnect with Herbert and as usual it’s like we were never apart. Except I live over 1000 miles away now. We just text each other throughout the day and send random things that make us think of the other. Play video games etc. Well, at some point we started HEAVILY flirting with each other. Which I thought would be harmless. However feelings snuck up on me, which I figured out when he randomly ghosted me for a week and I became a neurotic mess thinking I had done something wrong. It sent me into a depressive spiral and I cried for the first time in about 8 years. He said he disappeared due to the anniversary of -something sad- and he was too depressed to talk. So I decided I needed to stop the flirting and probably cut back on the communication until I got my emotions back under control. I was worried he might be confused or hurt if I suddenly changed our dynamic so I decided the right/ mature thing to do would be to apologize, explain the upcoming change, and explain it’s due to feelings that I’m confident I can get back under control. The day I was going to talk to him about it though, he was MIA. For 14 hrs. I’d just given up and had crawled into bed for a nice depressive sleep and he finally texted me to tell me he’d been asleep for all 14 hrs. Which I don’t think I believe at this point. I’m just emotionally exhausted. I haven’t responded and he hasn’t tried texting like normal either.
The advice. Should I proceed with my explanation? Should I not explain and go LC anyways? Should I cut him out completely? Is he really my friend? Has he been a shoulder to cry on out of boredom? Is he just wanting an ego boost or someone to flirt with or a FWB? I know he’s never had FEELINGS for me but I’d think a friend would treat me better than this? Idk. Idk where to go from here.
TLDR: Friend I’m in love with randomly ghosts me. Is the friendship even worth saving?
2 comments
Hello OP,
That’s a lot of things you mentioned that you should probably unpack with a therapist (not joking), and this “friend situation” is probably only an emotional diversion to distract from the other major issues.
That being said – you aren’t friends with him, at least not in your intentions or desires. What you were for each other was important, and it helped you when it helped you, but right now you aren’t viewing him as a close platonic buddy. He’s now a guy, a thousand miles away, who you find attractive, and you have emotional/romantic needs you want met. Friendship is not the primary flavor here.
So, you’re both adults, and you don’t need anyones permission to “shoot your shot”. In fact, it might be best if you do (AFTER THERAPY). That way you either get together for a while, or, you get that agreement to back off from each other, but at least the uncomfortable “friend zone” limbo will be dealt with.
Also, there are a million guys physically in between you and your friend 1,000 miles away. Unless your friend has super powers, they can all do the same things he can (some of them can do it better). Friend from the past ain’t your only option.
Best wishes, OP
Do it.
Go for it.