I [25M] have a very privileged life. I am a college grad, have a husband, a nice place to live, and a good job. One of the few things I think I am really missing in life is a good friend group. I do have some friends, but lately I have been depressed about how little they seem to care about me.
My main friend group consists of people I met back when I was 18 and just starting college. Many of them have since moved away from our college town, but the five that haven’t I still see on a semi-regular basis. My main issue with these five is that I am always the one to contact them first. Sometimes I invite them over to my place, sometimes I invite myself over to their place, and sometimes we go on an excursion somewhere. They always seem happy to see me, and I feel that we always have a good time, but they still never make the first step! They also never suggest any ideas of their own on what to do. I once waited for about 3 months for someone to text me first and…nothing. But when I reached out again, my friends seemed happy to hear from me.
These circumstances lead me to believe that they only meet with me out of politeness. I get that they are busy people. They all have jobs, partners, and responsibilities of their own (no kids yet). Some of them are even pursuing Master’s/PhDs. Even so, we are all in our mid-twenties. Surely they have SOME time to do something fun. They never seem to want to drink or spend money or do anything that I see other young adults do. They only seem to want to hang out with me when I pay for everything, schedule it weeks in advance, and make it as convenient as possible for them.
I don’t particularly want to share these feelings with them. I don’t think sharing would change anything except maybe make them feel guilty. And guilt is hardly conducive to a good friendship. If I had it my way, I would get new friends, but I just don’t know how at this stage in my life. I don’t particularly want to make friends with my coworkers because, while they are good people, it seems like a conflict of interest. I also don’t really interact with anyone else on a regular basis.
Is my situation normal? Are my expectations too high? I idealize the friend groups that I see online and on tv, but maybe that’s just not realistic, especially in today’s digital world. I really just don’t know what to do besides maybe going back to school and finding some new friends there only for the cycle to repeat itself.
TLDR: My friends don’t seem to care much about me except when it benefits them.
20 comments
Friends naturally drift apart, and these are people you met at 18 and had a very different relationship with while you were in college and not married. If they never initiate, then you just have different expectations for the relationship- you’re treating them as your core friend group that you make an effort to see, and they’re not. If you want to stay friends with them, you really need to adjust your own expectations and effort level and try to see them as casual friends that you might see every once in a while. Stop going out of your way to make plans easy for them. It’s hard to make new friends when you’re out of school, but everyone encounters this and has to figure it out. Are there people you could meet through your interests/hobbies or joining a group of some kind?
These circumstances are VERY normal. I am an adult in an area where I grew up but also live in huge neighborhood. This means I have two friend groups- one consisting of the people I knew growing up and two the other young people in my neighborhood who are going through the same life scenarios I am (just got married, starting a family, etc.) I find the friend group I grew up not being as energetic/outgoing and they rarely reach out to me, I have to initiate the hang out. The newer/neighborhood group is almost CRAVING a friendship and wants to hang all the time.
Long story short, I believe it has to do with where you are in your life and where they are. They might be in another mindset currently in their life. My recommendation is to find a group of friends that WANT your attention and love. There is nothing wrong with the other friend group, people just grow apart sometimes. You will continue to be their friends, but if the type of love they are giving currently is not filling you up with happiness, then it is more beneficial to your time and mental health to find a group of people that value your friendship more.
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Lastly, you are 25. I am 32. You are about to hit your prime. You arent even there yet, how exciting is that? Many many many new friends and friend groups are coming your way. When I was 25 no one told me how my life would be totally different just a few years later regarding friends. I went through this mental tussle myself. Just accept the fact that it is ok to foster new/healthy relationships.
People get busy and lives move internally within their nuclear circle. Some people are extroverts and others introverts. Some like to put in the effort and others like receiving it.
If they are enjoying you visiting (not coming up with excuses to avoid you) and you like it, then I don’t think you need to concern yourself about something you’re doing wrong in the relationship.
If you’re feeling like they’re not putting in the effort, you can’t force that change in them. You will create resentment and ultimately regret for losing these relationships.
I would suggest that you look at social groups (meetup?) to find friends that are more outgoing and actively doing things to fill that need for yourself, and continue to put in the effort with your close friends to balance out the other side.
It sounds like you have become the de facto “planner” of the group. If they’re used to you being the one to initiate and arrange things, it may not even occur to them to do it themselves. They might even think you prefer it this way.
I have a couple suggestions for this issue:
1. Have a conversation with the person you’re closest to in the group and let them know how you’re feeling. Tell them you’re a little burnt out from always initiating and it would mean a lot to you if they would take on some of the labor of planning things. This is not making them feel guilty, it’s just asking for some reciprocity.
2. Start fostering one-on-one relationships with people in the group. Sometimes it’s daunting to try and get everyone together – working around people’s schedules especially – so if you focus on individual relationships you might have more luck with one of them reaching out to say “hey, wanna grab dinner tomorrow?” or whatever. Similarly, you likely won’t have to plan weeks in advance if you’re only trying to make plans with one person.
Alternatively you can distance yourself and find a new friend group, but I’d at least try one or both of these paths first.
This is truly something annoying and hurtful to go through with any friend group. I too have been in your position. I suggest you find a new friend group because most likely things won’t change. It seems like they just leave it up to you to plan things out. If this friend group isn’t making you happy, its high time to get new friends.
I would consider joining a local club around a hobby or volunteering locally. You will only continue to grow apart as people do have kids, careers etc. Branch out. You don’t have to cut them off or anything but start investing in building up more of a social circle outside of a singular group.
I started to make first steps in contacting people at tender age of 40. It is not a typo.
I was always so glad when someone invited me and liked those people a lot. I usually liked them more then they liked me, I think. But making that first step … was out of reach. I would feel pushy and imposing. I would feel bad. Them not having time would be utterly devastating. I felt like I am not entitled to make first steps, I don’t have the right and I can only accept invitations. I came across as confident and assertive to other people. I was not at all, I just masked myself well.
I thought that they are just people who invite and I am just different person. Point of view of someone who always makes first step was kinda revelation first time I heard it.
>One of the few things I think I am really missing in life is a good friend group.
This is the main issue. A good friend group is YOUR need, not theirs. You’re looking for them to want hanging out with you a priority. It sounds like with everything they have going on in their lives, it’s not.
>My friends don’t seem to care much about me except when it benefits them.
That’s not really fair. Getting these people to hang out with you is really benefitting you mainly, because it is your need. That’s why you’re the only one trying so hard.
>Surely they have SOME time to do something fun.
Maybe hanging out with their partners at home or on dates is them spending their free time doing something fun.
The resentment is a fair response for what is going on. They’re not going to change, and they’re all adults living adult lives picking where to put their time and choosing what their priorities are.
If social interactions outside your SO is something you need, I’d suggest finding a hobby that requires being in a group.
> really just don’t know what to do besides maybe going back to school and finding some new friends
What about work friends?
If you work a job that is basically no interaction with coworkers, I can really sympathize why you’re feeling the way you do.
But also, what would going to school now as an adult to to help find friends. I don’t think most people going back to school as adults are looking to make friends, they want to go in, get work done, and go back to their lives. It’s not like you’ll be assigned a dorm with a new built in group of friends who are all experiencing something new together and seamlessly find comfort in each other’s company.
Edit: Just re-read why you don’t want to make friends with coworkers.
>it seems like a conflict of interest.
What? Do explain please.
Low maintenance friendships like it sounds like you have there are actually the ones with the most longevity in my experience. Speaking as a 42 year old man, I save my high maintenance see each other a ton energy for relationships while my good friends, I might see every few weeks or months and nobody holds it against anyone if we are busy and time has passed by. I am always glad to see them when we catch up and vice versa. Life gets busy.
As far as how to make new friends – men tend to make friends via shared activities. Find a hobby or sport you can be passionate about.
What about your husband? Do you guys share friends?
>They only seem to want to hang out with me when I pay for everything,
This is the red flag. These people are not your friends, they are using you.
yup it’s normal I think. There is always that one friend that we count on to make the plans, to get us together when too much time has passed, to speak up and be like “hey everybody, lets do a camping trip next month, LOOK what i found <link>” in a group message.. we other people, are good for transpertation, funding the operation for the more poor friends, bringing food, brining a boat or extra supplies.. we have other attributes to help, but we just happen to NOT be the initiator / communicators… that tends to fall into one of the persons hands. the one that steps up and makes it happen.. trust me, we are ALL grateful for your role in the friendship circle, without you, there is no get togethers… my wife is THAT lady with my family, she plans it all, she reaches out.. without her, i am a very boring dude who just works and saves money, lol.
> They only seem to want to hang out with me when I pay for everything,
This part needs to stop. You don’t need to feel like you have to pay for them to join in some dinner or activity.
you can still pay for them on occasion, but it should be the exception, not the rule.
And yes, if you start to feel that your friends are not that much of friends or are somehow taking advantage of you (even at your own insistence), then you can definitely get new friends.
An example of what I mean is, even if I offer to pay for something, my friends would say “oh you don’t have to do that, I’ll pay my own things” or what is also common is “ok thanks! I’ll pay for the next thing then”
Some people are very “socially busy”, even if it’s just in a mental way. I travel a lot and consistently move to places where I find a whole new life and new group of good friends. I love it, but I also recognize that it makes me a bit passive in keeping up with friends at times. I just don’t have the mental capacity to work both my jobs, have creative time, and also think about who I should contact this week and make plans. It’s too much for my dopey lil brain and I stress.
I do occasionally (and sometimes more often) reach out, but I’m ALWAYS happy to hear from my friends. I would think that for whatever reason, your friends are more passive than you are with initiating, but they are happy to see you, so they probably like you.
Ahhh, I went through this in my twenties too.
When you stand back and look at your friendships objectively, you have to ask yourself if you’re friends for a specific reason, a season or a lifetime.
You’ve got to get out there and create opportunities to meet new like minded people.
I don’t talk to anyone from high school because I stopped reaching out to organise things and they never bothered to take the initiative. I don’t want to be friends with people who lack initiative or fail to even message me and check in once every few months.
My current friendship circle comprises people who share the same mentality – we all take turns to organise, it’s equal give and take etc. They have families and they still take the time to reach out and make an effort.
Don’t maintain contact with people who don’t share the same perspective on friendship as you do.
Your friends only hang out with you when you pay for stuff? That’s pretty weird I feel like everyone glossed over that….
How about a Brand NEW circle of Different Friends? No one you know. These are not your Friends, dear. They use you when you invite then out by allowing you to pay for them and never probably even offer to pay for you. Nor invite you first. Not even communicate first. These are Fare Weather Farewell friends. They are JEALOUS of you and all you have. They also probably meet up behind your back and Yack—–About you and what you have. They may even call you Snobby or high class snob. I have a sibling who is jealous of me. She only wants to see me when my EX would come with me to Thanksgiving dinner. I have not seen her in two years. I can relate. They are what they are. How sad……
Sadly OP, as we get older people will tend to deal with people that are already there in their day to day functions- people at work, people close to their area, just anything that is convenient for them. Its nothing personal, in my opinion, but it does suck when it seems like you’re the one initiating contact. I’ve been there. So what I’ve decided to do is just do the same thing- deal with people who are in my day to day basis and find a hobby and find a group of people who share your same interests. You’re only 25, your opportunity to meet more people is still very open. And as you get older, these kinds of social relationships will matter less to you because you’ll be focused on other things that will take more priority such as bettering your life, or if you decide to have a family, basically something else will keep you more busy.
And with this day and age, OP, sometimes “friends” are overrated. You just don’t know what people’s agendas are nowadays. And it upsets me that you pay for everything- that right there tells me what I need to know. They are not true friends. My best advice is focus on yourself and the right people will stay in your life.
To the older people here suggesting making new friends/ friendship groups, I would like to hear how you came across better these friendships.
I’m 25 too, struggling in the exact same way (being the only person reaching out) and people keep saying “make new friends!”.
I don’t want a list of different activities I could try. I want to hear real stories from people who have experienced making new, deeper and more fulfilling friendships in their adult lives.
Sounds more like you’re the outside branch of an inner circle of friends and it’s affecting how you value yourself. If they do not fill your needs as a friend group, you should put them on a backburner retainer over long-term and go find new adventures.
Time to go do activities and meet new friend groups.
Never devalue yourself on the account of other people’s actions.
Become less available to these friends, thus increasing your value as a friend over time. If they truly want to spend time with you, they will.
It sounds like you have entered adulthood lol