I apologize for the length of this post; this is a story that’s 19 years in the making.
Even to this day, I still get a bit emotional about this. Not only was this embarrassing, but it also brought me shame. It was when I was in the Marines and stationed in Okinawa. Most of our time there was spent preparing for our deployment to Iraq. It was at night, and we were running these drills. As a Corporal, I was in charge of a fireteam that consisted of 3-4 other Marines. The scenario was we approached a small bridge but suddenly came under fire. How do you make it across the bridge to subdue the enemy?
Well, as soon as we received “fire,” the best I could do was yell and tell everyone to take cover. I was worthless beyond that. We all just lay there. I could not think of a way to get anyone across that bridge. I froze. It was as if I was waiting for some instruction. We lay there for what felt like an eternity. I must have looked like an idiot.
My Gunny was pissed and called off the whole thing. “Well, that was a f*cking abortion!” he said. As a result, they removed me from the squad when we got to Iraq and sent me to serve as a guard at a detention facility. They told me it was because of my experience as a Security Forces Marine, but I knew they saw me as a liability. If they brought me along, I was liable to get myself or others killed.
Fast forward 19 years to today. As an outside salesperson, I work for an HVAC distributor, moving from customer service. I should be going out to call on customers, but I have not done that once in the nine months I’ve been in this position. I took this position mainly to improve my financial situation, but deep down inside; I was hoping to use it to overcome my social anxiety and advance my career. Yesterday I had my yearly review, and my Regional Manager brought up how he wants to see me go out more often and is giving me six more months to see what I do. If I don’t like the position, I can return to doing what I did before.
At this moment, I realized I’d been reliving that day in Okinawa every single day for the last nine months. I know I’m supposed to be doing something, but I’m frozen. I’m stuck staring at the problem, unable to move. I have the tools but lack the confidence to use them. As always, I’m the obstacle.
What am I missing? What’s the push I need?
How can I get over this anxiety?
1 comment
that sounds tough. i can relate to the paralysis… i’m ready to be totally useless but here’s some ideas:
– do you see yourself as a liability? what personal relationships do you have where you are positively contributing? it might be easier to extend care + competence to other parts of your life before being able to take the risk of trying something professionally (the fear: i will be revealed to be incompetent)
– do you feel like you’re able to help the customers? it sounds like you have the requisite knowledge, etc. imagine going up to a customer and saying “hi, my name is X, i’m here to help you with anything you need” (insert generic opener)… and then you’ll have to WAIT for them to say something.
any thoughts?