me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years going on 6, we’re in love and our relationship was going really well. randomly out of the blue he revealed that he’s going through a really tough time with his mental health and struggling a lot. he’s battled with bouts of depression before, but he said it’s never been this bad. naturally i felt heartbroken that i didn’t realise, and that he’s feeling unhappy, because i love him so much and care about him. i want to help him as much as i can and support him.
but, he then said that he needs a break from our relationship, but he loves me and definitely wants a future with me, but he can’t be in a relationship right now. obviously i had mixed feelings, it’s hard not to take it personally. we came to the terms that we’d see each other once every 2 weeks for the next 3 months, no texting or anything, which i took very hard.
5 days in and i was already struggling. i texted him saying so, and we got into a conversation about it, i just feel pushed to the side, and i’m worried that he’s just pushing me away to self sabotage, which is something he’s been known to do. i don’t think isolating himself will be good for his mental health, and i want to be there to support him. he just kept saying he’s got this feeling that he can’t be with me for the next 3 months, and now wants to break up officially for 3 months, not just go on a break. it’s really hard not to feel abandoned, swept to the side and fucked about to be honest. am i wrong for feeling this way?
now we have come to the terms that we can see each other around 3 times a month, but just as friends, nothing else. it’s a better deal for me, but i just keep thinking insecure thoughts and feeling bad about our relationship. i’ve had to swallow so much pride to admit that i can’t see myself breaking up with him, so i don’t really have any control over the situation as i don’t have that leverage. i don’t know how i’m going to trust in our relationship again and feel safe with him like i did before, without worrying he’s just going to break it off again. i love him so much and i think we’re so well suited, our relationship is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and he says so too. does anyone have any advice or thoughts?
TL;DR: my boyfriend wants a break from me for mental health, how do i manage the situation?
4 comments
I suffer from a lot of mental illness issues (Bipolar, GAD) and when I suffer my significant other and loved ones become my strength, not something I need to get away from. He can’t hope to maintain relationships, which helps you so much during dark times, if he wants to pull away every time he has a flare up.
I would encourage him to seek mental health treatment, but focus on yourself. Hang out with friends, pick up hobbies, do things that are for YOU and help you get through this. Long term his solution won’t work for a relationship. What’s he going to do if you guys get married? He can’t just keep bailing on you, as tempting as it is, when he’s struggling.
So I guess give him the space he needs, but don’t focus so much on him you lose sight of yourself. You feelings matter too in this. If he comes back, maybe try couples counseling so this doesn’t happen each time.
I’ve (19m) had depression, most severely when I was 15-17 but had a “relapse” last year after a personal family struggle but then dialed up to 11 when I had to attend the funeral of an old buddy of mine. I left everything. I dropped out of my subjects for that semester, lost my sleep schedule, stopped going out with mates and honestly being pretty dumb to them for no reason.
Since I’d dealt with suicidal shit the last time I had gone through it and I have anxiety around it my paranoia went mad. I started to feel things way worse than the time before at one point for a week or two. You know what kept me going? My dad. It’s simple. He’s someone who would call me every day and not take offence when I wouldn’t answer. I had the choice to go to family things but if I didn’t want to I wouldn’t go and no sour tastes.
The mere option and knowing I had someone to reach out to but also to be distant from. I undoubtedly probably scared the living shit out of him when I said I thought I’d have to call a hospital because I was beginning to be scared of it.
Honestly, you’re just gonna have to let this play out. It’s gonna be scary, you’re not gonna know what’s gonna happen. My honest best advice is to let it be. Go hang out as friends and just try and slip in a “I really care about you don’t you forget that” and “jsut cuz we don’t talk anymore doesn’t mean that can’t change you can always reach out to me and I’ll be there for you” etc. you couldn’t imagine how important that is. I really would advise against bringing any of it up, and just try and do fun things. Go bowling or see a movie or something and literally “just be friends” which if he ain’t lying to you, isnt what it is. It’s just a “I need to find myself and I wanna come back after” type situation.
Be careful tho, start to let yourself be okay with things not turning out the way you want them to. He may just slip away and it ends like that. It could hurt, but it could be what’s best for them. Just try and put your mind at ease and avoid the “what ifs” and just plan for what’s right in front of you. Be a good mate. Be there for them and also be ready for them to slip away, which may not even be forever.
But have your boundaries as well. You arent his plaything and he doesn’t get to hold you on a string indefinitely. Go be around friends that may have slipped out of your life recently, talk to them about this stuff. Your absence, you taking away the attention you normally give might kick into gear in his mind that “hey shit sucks right now. I really need x (you) and x is what makes me happy.” And he might come back.
Men are like that sometimes and honestly he probably does mean it when he says he wants to stick around. But make him have to actually come back, not stick around with the new status quo he created.
Hope that helped
high school sweethearts im assuming
>we’re in love and our relationship was going really well
For you. Clearly he didn’t feel that way.
You need to make a clean break.