I apologize for the long post but I feel that the details are important.
So for some back story, ever since I can remember I have never really gotten along with my sister. She was diagnosed with adhd at a young age, and she also has an anti-social disorder which comes along with narcissistic tendencies. She can’t seem to understand that other people have feelings too and hers aren’t the only ones that matter. We constantly fought growing up, and she was always getting in trouble, (ex. Running away from home, going on joy rides in our grandfather’s car without a license/permission, being extremely disrespectful to our parents, not wanting to get a job/keep a job, and just starting huge fights out of nowhere over very small things). There’s also been several times where she goes without speaking to any of us for months at a time, then comes back and acts like nothing happened. She claims that because our parents treated us differently, she has “childhood trauma” and it’s entirely our mother’s fault that she is the way she is. The fact of the matter is that, yes, we were treated differently, but it’s because our behaviors were drastically different. I was the opposite of her, I knew when to keep my mouth shut and I followed my parents rules even if I didn’t agree with everything. We both got punished when we did bad things. She did not like being punished for her bad behavior. Their rules were never extreme and I have a good relationship with them.
I tried for years to give her chances, things would go okay with her for a little bit but then I would say something that would set her off and it would all go downhill. I can’t trust her either because she will take things I say and go back to our parents, either twisting my words or just straight up lying. I believe she has a lot of resentment towards me because she always brings up how “I’m the favorite” when it’s just not true. She believes this because my parents refuse to let her move back in after 4/5 times of letting her live in their house. She also got kicked out of our grandmas house twice, and any roommate she had ended up doing the same. Shes impossible to live with. She didn’t want to follow our parents rules and wanted to do whatever she wanted while living rent free and that just doesn’t fly with our parents. I however am finishing up school and living with them until I’m done in the Fall and have a stable job. My sister cannot stand that and she is clearly very jealous of me.
My final breaking point was when she began getting close with my ex best friend. This friend had been everything to me, we basically grew up together, but then she decided to block me out of nowhere with no explanation. I was already deeply hurt over that so when I found out that my sister was all bff’s with her randomly, it was like a slap to the face. Just to be clear, this is not the only reason I wanted to cut my sister off, but it was part of it. Part of me wonders if my sister had anything to do with my friend blocking me. She will go to our family members and friends and play the victim card, and a lot of them fall for it because she’s very good at hiding her true nature and manipulating.
My main problem is that when I try to explain to my sister that I was hurt over my friend, she gives any excuse in the book to not take accountability or even at least try to understand where I’m coming from. About a year ago I sent out a long message, nicely explaining how I felt and that at this point I did not want a relationship with her, but maybe we could try again in the future. (Because of my friend and us just never getting along). Her response was “k”.
My sister had complained to our mother about me sending this message, but every time she’s in town she will try and weasel her way back into my life, bugging me to hang out, crying about how “we’re sisters” and “I love you”, and if I don’t comply she gets irrationally upset and angry. Basically guilting me into spending time with her when I really just want to be far away from her. Just recently my mom paid her way to come visit for a long weekend for her birthday, and she just wreaked havoc the entire time, where she ended up leaving a day early.
My parents always say that things have to change with her but they inevitably let her come back into our lives with visiting, etc. They also, along with my grandma, give her money to help out constantly. I get that my mom feels like a failure and doesn’t want to give up on her, but I feel like shes already gone above and beyond for my sister to just stab us in the back every single time. For her to still claim that I’m the favorite irks me to no end. I just want to be done with all of it and idk how to get through to her without being mean. I have people pleasing tendencies so it’s just so mentally exhausting..I just need some advice on how to move forward from here.
TLDR — My sister and I have never gotten along, and when I try to cut things off with her she refuses to accept it and continuously pushes herself into my life.
6 comments
There’s no getting through to someone who has antisocial personality disorder. There’s no convincing them to change. They’ll never be able to understand where you’re coming from, because they lack the capacity for empathy. It’s like asking an animal to understand written language – that’s just not the way their brains work.
The only way to deal with someone like this and retain your sanity is to have rock-solid boundaries. It sounds like you may need some of those with your parents, too, since they aren’t able or willing to acknowledge the damage your sister has done and will continue to do.
If you can do therapy, that would help. If not, try reading some books about antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders, and also about boundaries.
It seems like your sister enjoys the drama. Rather than announce you don’t want a relationship with her, I would just ignore her. Don’t engage. If you don’t say anything she will not have more amo to twist into her victim story.
I wrote a long heartfelt text to my sister once and she responded only with “HAHAHA!” so I understand it’s a sucky situation. I’m sorry.
Stop talking to your sister, don’t explain anything to her, give her nothing to argue with, grey answers, one word replies.
Don’t waste time trying to reason with someone you can’t reason with. It is a lesson in futility. Just grey rock her until the cows come home. Have no time available for her and don’t engage in her nonsense.
Cut her off completely.
Tell her that her actions since you wanted to go low contact, have proved that no contact with no chance of ever having a relationship in the future is the only way to go.
Then tell your family that you do not have a relationship with your sister, that you cannot make them also cut her out but you will not be at any family events if she is, and you will not be there to help them pick up the pieces when she swans in and shits on them in the future – if they want a relationship with her it’s completely on them.
I mean it’s your fault for letting her in, you just gotta stop that and block and ignore her. Problem solved.