That’s basically it. We’ve been together for a year and a half. I’m quite sensitive and I get hurt or upset by things like tone or things said in an aggressive way, or even things that get misunderstood.
He never means to hurt me, but whenever I open up about what’s in my heart (which takes a lot of courage for me) he gets defensive or annoyed and tries to tell me all the reasons I should not be upset, or why and how I could have avoided being upset, thus halting me from expressing how I’m feeling. And I can see that he does have a point, I could have done things differently a lot of the time so I wouldn’t be so upset, but that’s not the first thing I need to hear. He doesn’t seem to understand this. it’s like he HAS to have his perception of events heard out.
I grew up in a horrible environment, so I find communication hard and that is also why I am so sensitive. He doesn’t really seem to get this either. But I know he cares for me so much. Me feeling like I can’t express myself is a constant theme in my life as a result of my childhood, and feeling this way so much in my relationship feels horrible too. He takes it very hard on himself and very personally whenever I am hurt by him, or anything.
We’ve tried to take turns to make space for me to say how I feel, and him to say how he feels about what I am saying, but it always ends up invalidating me , and me him, and making things hurt more. He doesn’t seem to understand how it doesn’t matter if he did something on purpose or not, I am still capable of getting hurt by it , and I don’t mean to feel that way, and I don’t need him to over explain his defence either.
It reached a point yesterday where he snapped at me in the kitchen, I became quiet at withdrawn in hurt, which he noticed, and without even talking about it, he came to me after noticing i was upset, not fully understanding why, and then said there’s “nothing he can do anymore to stop me from getting upset anymore” (implying he feels helpless about this), and I’m selfish for not wanting to hear him out whenever I get hurt, in a way that stops me from being upset. He wants to fix the hurt that has been created by trying to convince me that I’ve interpreted what’s happened wrongly, but he doesn’t seem to understand that I can’t take that information on if I don’t feel safe or listened to or emotionally supported first.
I feel like giving up. I constantly feel like I can’t express if I’m upset to him, without him getting mad. I really need some advice.
TL;DR : I am quite sensitive and get easily hurt by things, including things my boyfriend says or does sometimes. My boyfriend often reacts in frustration to this and tries to over explain why I should not feel hurt or what I could have done better to avoid being hurt, instead of hearing my emotions out. What should I do?
4 comments
Can you give some examples
Honestly, it sounds like you’re both at fault here. You’re both frustrated with each other and it’s bringing out the worst sides.
For your side, have you been working on your childhood trauma? Have you seen a therapist about your sensitivity and developed better coping mechanisms?
On his, it sounds like he’s struggling with a very classic problem – you want to vent, and he wants to solve problems. Neither of you is wrong, but you’re both getting frustrated bc you don’t think your contribution is being appreciated. When you vent, he likely feels helpless and unsure what to do if it’s not offering solutions. He’s trying to help, in his own way, but it’s not in a way you see as help. The only real fix for this is more communication. He can learn to ask something like “do you want solutions or sympathy?”, and you can learn to say “thank you, but I’m just trying to get this off my chest”.
Your boyfriend needs to ask questions. He is fixated on fixing your hurt. Chances are he spend his whole childhood trying to fix a hurting parent, and he feels helpless when he can’t fix yours. But he needs to learn (aka you need to tell him) that all he needs to say is “I’m here for you, tell me more” and then ask questions about how you feel. Also no “you sentences” as in “You should…” “Have you tried…” and a lot of “your sentences” as in “tell me about your…” it sounds like your…” This will guide him to ask questions instead of make statements which upset minds hear as judgement.
You need to give him a finite time frame. Doesn’t have to be precise, just allude to the fact that you will be better soon. “I’m upset RIGHT NOW” “I’m hurting AT THE MOMENT” and then prompt him to do his bit by saying, “but you’re really good at listening, when you’re ready can you listen to how I feel?” Give him time to come to you and tell you he’s ready to hear you. If he’s mind is elsewhere he will immediately go I to problem solving mode and give you simple answers that will not help you, and frustrated him when nothing gets ‘fixed’. Prompt him every so often with the same thing “I want to talk about my day for 10 minutes”. Try to always say I want, not “can you”. “Can you” is a fake question and it annoys guys. I want is better.
Isn’t it weird that he has all these answers for how *you* are handling things poorly, but he turns around and throws a little pity party for himself whenever you’re trying to share your feelings? I don’t know what your issues are or what your interactions are like – there’s always stuff we can learn to take better care of ourselves and the people around us – but like…
This isn’t what kind and caring behavior looks like from a partner. He isn’t listening to you or taking consideration of you’re feelings, he’s arguing with you and invalidating you. He isn’t trying to fix the problems, he’s trying to push everything back onto you like it’s emotional akido.