I (23f) want to have sex with my bf but I feel guilty about it

33 comments

1. You only have one life, enjoy it.

2. The problem isn’t sex. It’s the unhealthy relationship with sex your family has. You can’t be free of guilt if you hold onto the opinions of your parents as a guiding factor in your moral judgement.

3. At 23 years of age, unless you are living with your parents, you should typically be developing your own sense of self and be less driven by fear of your family.

   You sound smart and mature, you are self-aware and understand what is stressing you about the situation.

   Rather than focusing on this being about the conflict between your desire to have sex and the desire to please your parents, it might be time to speak with a therapist about your independence as an adult.

   Taking a step back and seeing this in that larger context will help you manage your life in a much healthier way in the future.

4. I think you may need to create some distance with your parents so that you’re not in situations where they’re going to be quizzing you about your sex life. If that means you don’t see or talk to them quite as much, that may be part of what you need to do and if they ask about your private life, you can tell them you’re not going to talk about that kind of stuff with them. I’d also make sure your boyfriend understands the history. If he’s a good dude, he’ll be supportive and work with you on things at your comfort level. Good luck!

5. Sorry but your parents are morons/assholes for doing that to you. You’re a grown-assed woman. Fuck all you like, and without guilt. It’s the most natural thing in the world.

6. You are an adult. Life is too short to be scared of your parents.

7. You’re 23, not 13. Your sex life is no longer their business.

8. Wow, Christianity is truly a horrible life ruining cult. I’m so sorry your family has put you in a terrified state of limbo using fear, shame and guilt to control your natural human behavior.

   I strongly recommend seeing a therapist, perhaps one with experience around religious based trauma and one that is sex positive.

   Sex is as natural and normal as it is to be human. There is nothing shameful or evil about you wanting to follow your natural bodily urges for touch, intimacy and sex.

   Waiting until marriage for sex can be horrible, it can lead to such a high divorce rate when two people wait until after committing for life to even find out if they’re even sexually compatible or not. And divorces in Christian culture are seen as a religious failure and even more guilt, shame and fear is used to try to keep two sexually incompatible people together for life.

   What an absolutely outdated religious tradition that is beyond normalized in our western culture. For a religion that preaches love and acceptance, it’s really a death cult that uses extreme fear, shame and guilt to oppress others and keep everyone in line and in control.

   I imagine leaving Christianity would put you at risk of losing much of your immediate family in rejection. It breaks my heart that blood family could be so blind as to actually abandon one another for simply sharing different life/spiritual beliefs.

   I wish you well on your journey around embracing and not shaming your own sexuality and coming to terms with the reality of your family. I hope you feel safe to explore the beauty of sexuality without fear of shame or judgment from your parents.

9. My cultist parents verbally abuse me (23f) for privately having sex with my bf despite it being none of their business.

   Probably a more accurate title.

10. You are a grown woman. It’s your business. It has nothing to do with them. As long as you are both happy and safe there is NOTHING to feel guilty about.

11. I (21f) have grown up in a christian household since i was a kid and they teach you sex is wrong. For a long time i believed it until i got with my now bf and we eventually had sex, my parents found out and were very mad. I was 18 at the time and they made me swear i wouldn’t have sex anymore so i thought i cant be honest with them and thats their fault bc they arent open about sex so just keep it to yourself, dont feel guilty about having sex with someone you care about and want to have sex with and enjoy it

12. Try to recognise how toxic your parents behaviour is and was. Do everything you can to create a new belief system totally independent of their toxic garbage. Do not let them do that to you again and destroy another relationship or cause you more trauma.

13. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to get away from my parents ASAP. You have the right to live your own life, make your own choices, your own mistakes, explore your own beliefs.
    I had to go no contact w/ my parents to finally get some relief & freedom.
    Don’t waste your youth on pleasing your parents! I’d give anything to be 23 again!

14. Therapy will help you deprogram all the sex negativity your more conservative religious upbringing hammered into you.

15. Get a (non-Christian) therapist. If they’re any good, they will help you see another perspective on the world and yourself and the pleasure you deserve to have. It seems possible that you will have anxiety about a lot of things that your upbringing didn’t prepare you for, and therapy is a good support network for that.

16. I’m also a Christian but made that decision after years of searching and rebelling against the fundamental Christian upbringing I had. I will tell you the same thing my philosophy professor told me about Christianity: “Have your beliefs for a reason.”

    To put it another way, you are old enough to make your own decisions and decide what moral code you want to live by. Do you want to wait for marriage before having sex? If so, stand your ground and do it. Would you rather experience sexual pleasure with another person to be sure of sexual compatibility before committing your life to someone? If so, do that.

    Either way, having sex before marriage does not mean you can’t live a moral and Christian life. Best of luck.

17. Your parents created a human being with autonomy and their own morals and desires etc. that they should not feel is their “property.” Honestly this is none of their fucking business at all and I think you should A.) begin therapy and get help unlearning harmful internalized shame from Christian brainwashing and B.) go NC with your shitty parents and brother OR establish very clear boundaries (like they are not allowed to discuss your personal or sexual life if they want to continue to have contact with you bc it’s inappropriate and frankly abusive.) Full stop.

    People who can’t deal with the reality of their children becoming adults with free will shouldn’t procreate. It’s fucking abusive and disgusting to feel you have any ownership or so over what intimate things your adult children do with their own bodies and how they express themselves within relationships.

18. As a Christian myself, you should be able to do what you want, be with who you want. God isn’t the problem religion is the problem. You’re 23 you need to be able to express yourself. God doesn’t judge, people do, the people who judge are the ones who need judging themselves.

19. Yeah. They have no right to your body.

20. I also grew up in a Christian environment. What your parents are doing is emotional and spiritual abuse. Your sex life has absolutely nothing to do with them. Christians tend to have no sense of boundary so setting one and keeping it might be tough but it really is worth it.

    I’d also recommend thinking about therapy because religious trauma is no joke. I’m 29 and happily married, and I’m still working through a lot of the shit I was taught in the 90s Church.

    Lastly, your sexuality should be celebrated, not shamed. Your life is yours to live, not anyone else’s. I hope you find the peace you need

21. Fuck this horrible cult (Christianity) so hard. Such a mentally abusive system that these fucked in the head parent’s indoctrinate their children with under the guise of morality. I cannot wrap my head around being so incredibly stupid as to believe the nonsense of sheep herders that not only is ridiculous but also legitimately evil.

22. I totally understand where you’re coming from. I come from a Christian family that has an extremely negative opinion of sex outside of marriage. I dealt with lot of guilt over sex, especially masturbating. Sometimes it’s still hard to finish on my own because I will become overwhelmed with guilt and stop. What I will say is that as time has gone on I have continued to push myself a little bit at a time while reminding myself that there is nothing wrong with what I’m doing. My boyfriend has been so helpful in making me feel worthy and reminding me that I deserve to feel good. I’ve grown a lot and have a much healthier relationship with sex now. Definitely communicate with your parent what you’ve been feeling and talk about ways to work through it together. You will heal from this familial trauma and be better for it. It just takes a little time. I’m really proud of you for addressing this and recognizing how this way of thinking has affected you. You’re gonna be alright.

23. You are too worried about your parents. Do what YOU want and if your parents find out and choose to say anything you can tell them “hey fuck off, I’m an adult” or “im 23 years old. An adult. Why do you think you have any say in my sex life” or “ew why are you trying to talk about my sex life, that’s very invasive and none of your business”

    You are the one choosing to let your parents have influence over you. You are an adult so act like it. Sex or no sex your relationship with your Paris very unhealthy.

24. Honestly it might be a good idea to try therapy. That kind of shame from your family of your body and completely natural feelings and desires as an adult can really fuck you up.

    I had a similar issue with shame around sex and my body due to religious upbringing and it took a lot of therapy, self exploration, and self-reflection to overcome it, not to mention partners who could be patient and understanding.

    It’s easy to say things like you have no reason to feel guilty about doing something so natural, but it’s another thing to retrain yourself to not feel that guilt.

25. You’re an adult. I understand if you still live at home and want to be respectful but it’s not really their business. I know where you’re coming from, my mother drove it into the ground early on to the point that later in life I still have PTSD from her. As far as I’m concerned organized religion has done more harm than good in most instances. You shouldn’t feel guilty for being who you are or doing something you enjoy. My other advice is if you still live at home get out as soon as you can. Otherwise it’ll probably get worse.

26. It’s not for your parents to judge… Tell them to go reread John 8, Romans 14:4, Romans 3:23 and start living by those words, otherwise they’re hypocrites.

27. > im so scared of the guilt I’ll feel

    Oof, that sounds very familiar.

    TL;DR therapy. Therapy will help *so* much with that.

    I want you to know that the fear and the guilt are a *perfectly normal* response for you to be having in the situation you’re in, and the things you’ve experienced. They’re not doing you a lot of good, I don’t think, and I’m not saying you should trust them. But I want you to know that I felt that way too, in that sort of situation, for probably very similar reasons, and that it’s okay to be feeling that way.

    The reason I suggest therapy is not that it’ll “fix” that problem. I suggest it because the fear and guilt are the end of a pretty long chain of experiences, and if you’re like me there’s a lot of things in that chain that sort of wrapped around parts of your life. You can’t “fix” that one issue without starting to untangle the chain, and once you get the first knot untied there’s just a whole bunch of untangling that starts to happen. In the process, you’ll absolutely come to a place where you can say “ah, the fear and the guilt aren’t really hitting like they used to.” But they might not be the first thing you untangle. Or the second, or fifth.

    I also want to emphasize- because I grew up in a *very* Christian home- that there’s nothing about real therapy that stops you from believing things you want to, that you find valuable, etc., If you’re still appreciative of your religious tradition, it’s not going to poison you. If you’re not appreciative of that tradition, it’ll neither force you to discard it or cling to it. I mention this because the threat of psychology changing how you believe was a trope I heard talked about in my very Christian home.

    Finally, when I say “therapy” I mean “a psychologist with a doctorate in counselling psychology, certified by your regional board of psychiatry,” and not “church counselling” which I’ve seen offered after a weekend retreat of training and doing horrible damage to people. Not to say Christians can’t be excellent therapists- but churches lend authority to people offering “Christian counselling” with a far, far lower standard than medical boards. If you decide to try therapy, it may take a few tries to find a therapist you feel comfortable with; if after a few visits you feel you’re not able to trust or talk with a therapist you’re seeing, ask them if they can recommend someone else. A good therapist has no shortage of clients and is happy to help someone find a better fit.

28. My wife and I were married 15 years before we worked on this. I’d advise talking to a sex therapist sooner than later because this baggage is gonna stick around and any partner will have to deal with it.

29. Well tbh your parents cant control your sex life.
    If you feel guilty when having sex without being married, thats another story, but if you just dont do it, to avoid conflict with your parents just go for it.
    It’s none of their business if you have sex or not and you are old enough to do whatever you want.

    How does your boyfriend feel about that? How committed is he in the relationship? Is he a keeper or just a casual “hookup”?

30. I’m reading this and I obviously skipped over the part that you’re 23! You’re parents should have zero involvement in your sex life and the fact the you’re worried about it is insane. You’re an adult. If you want your parents to treat you like an adult act like one and do what you want to do based on you. Not your parents. Wow

31. It’s important to recognize that the guilt is a result of brainwashing. Your parents are free to hold whatever view they have, you are also free to hold a view contradictory to theirs. Christianity thrives on control, but you are an adult. You get to be your own person and have your own beliefs. If you want to be sexually active with your boyfriend then do so and enjoy it and also understand that they have their own brainwashed views and so they may never agree with you or it and you’ll have to be okay with it. It’s weird AF that your brother ran off to tattle tell on you, an adult woman, having sex but things happen.

32. First of all, let me say I respect your views. You are 23, well above the legal age for consent to sexual activity. May I ask you some questions? How do YOU feel about sex? You, personally. If YOU feel ready and you want to, then I say go for it. I’m choosing my words carefully so that I both support your views and also don’t accidentally break any of the rules in this community and get banned. Do YOU really really want to have sex with your Boyfriend? Does he really really want to have sex with you? If the answer to both of those questions is yes, then I say please please please find a way to make it happen, especially if you know you’ll be happy.

33. You might want to get some counseling to learn to separate morality from sexuality.

    Many Christian religions conflate the two. Introducing guilt and shame to sexuality is a tool to control. And the control is meant for men to build wealth by knowing for sure who their heirs are.

    But when you think about it, what does sex really have to do with your morality? Are you not the same person whether you’ve had sex or not? Morality is about a lot more than sex. It’s about integrity, honesty, empathy, compassion. THOSE things determine if you’re a moral person or not.

    At least talk to your partner to explain the ideas that have been planted in your head that you are a bad person if you have unmarried sex. My church taught that sex is bad, dirty, and dangerous so you should save it for your spouse. At which point you’re supposed to just flip a switch in your head and start going at it like rabbits.

    That’s not how psychology works, it’s not how sexuality works and it’s definitely not how morality works. Think about what your sexuality and what that means to you and what expressing it looks like. And then think about morality and what that means to you and what expressing it looks like. And try to realize that having sex and expressing your sexuality doesn’t take anything away. You’re not dirty or soiled. It sounds trite, but it’s just sex.

    Edit: Go find Brene Brown’s TED talks on guilt and shame. Both of those are useless to you and only uses to control you by others.