My bf (31 m) broke up with me (29 f) 10 days ago. He’s an avoidant and has commitment problems. He’s in therapy and wants to work on his issues. He promised me he wouldn’t run at the first sign of challenges, but he did. I went away for the holidays, he started looking for reasons this shouldn’t work, and ended it. We had a long conversation after, where we were able to really understand what our problems were. He says that although we have an amazing relationship the two of us, it doesn’t translate well into the outside world, but to be honest, he hasn’t even tried and we haven’t been “together” for that long, even though we’ve been seeing each other for 8 months. He does like me a lot, he says he’s just confused, this is all new territory for him, and he doesn’t want to try. I am sad and I want this to work out. What can I do. We’re talking again soon. Any advice welcome
TL:DR! Relationship advice to get an avoidant ex back
12 comments
You already know what he’s capable of, why do you want to go back to that?
And no, “because I love him” is not a good reason.
you can’t convince someone to be with you. You can’t WILL a relationship into working. Just because YOU want to try doesn’t mean he is willing or able.
What is it you want back? He broke up, he has all this stuff going on and your relationship doesn’t fit in and he’s made clear that he doesn’t want you. You might be nice to him, you like him a lot, but he’s not someone who can offer you the same. Most of all: he doesn’t want to put in any effort for that. That’s the end of the road. When you’re at ‘idon’twanna’, there’s nothing left you can do. A relationship is something 2 people want to put 100% in individually. You can’t do 50% for him.
Do some grieving. Do that Miley song about taking care of yourself without him. Make effort for you and figure out why you want so much of someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
Yeah I agree with the other person: why do you want to get back with an avoidant commitment-phobe? It’s good he’s in therapy to work on his issues but he should be working on his issues for himself and not to please someone else. It is often too much pressure for someone to be working on their issues while in a relationship simultaneously. And no, your love isn’t going to be the magical elixir that helps resolve his issues faster or more quickly.
Don’t.
Just be broken up.
Date other people.
If you go back with him at any point without absolutely ending this pattern, the pattern will repeat. It will most likely repeat no matter what you do. If you want to try, the following are my tips for getting your best possible result, given his issues.
1.Don’t keep discussing it. Just say that you respect his decision and go no contact.
2.Don’t have any relationship conversations at all.
3. Tell him that you want someone who is 100% and he’s obviously not that so you can part as friends but you’ll need quite a bit of time before the friendship can resume. Then total no contact.
4. He will come back at some point. He will want “closure”. Don’t participate in that.
5. Much later, if you want to be friends, just keep it platonic–very platonic. Ridiculously platonic. No route back.
You aren’t valuing yourself if you want him back. Doing the above is the beginning of really valuing yourself. You need a boundary. You don’t just want him back, you want him changed permanently so that this isn’t a reocurring event.
Imagine him doing this when you are in the delivery room. You do not want this in your future.
I’ve been in that boat. Maybe years down the line therapy will help, but most likely not. The more you try to hold on the more you feed into the anxious avoidant cycle that’ll make both your lives hell.
Do your best to move on. Sometime two people can have a lot of deep feelings for each other but they’re broken in their own way and aren’t meant to be together
“he hasn’t even tried … and he doesn’t want to try.”
he’s told you who he is, how he is, and what he’s willing to do. You should believe him. Someone who hasn’t tried and won’t try isn’t going to change. You can’t love him enough to make him want to try with you, or for you.
Accept that this is over and move on. You deserve someone who will match your effort. It’s not this guy.
What were the problems?
Unfortunately, you can’t fix a two-person relationship all by yourself. He clearly has some internal work to do before he’s ready to be a healthy partner and you aren’t going to be able to drag him across that line by sheer force of will.
I’m sure he does like you, but his words and actions are screaming that he isn’t interested in putting in the effort to maintain this relationship. He told you what you need to hear: he doesn’t want to try.
There’s no reason for another talk. Text him and tell him that you wish him well and hope he figures things out, but that continuing to rehash things would be too painful. Someone who is ready for a committed relationship will commit to you.
You don’t get them back. End of. He’s already made it clear he doesn’t want to try, so why should you expend the effort and the time to try to convince him otherwise. You should just close that chapter and move onto the next chapter of your life.
Have the reasons for the breakup been solved? Are things fundamentally different now than then? It has been ten days, so I imagine that things are exactly the same.