My(27F) husband(34M) says it’s my fault that he didn’t tell me about affair rumor at work.

11 comments

1. So basically he would constantly text his comments worker despite your worries about it. He says they only talked about other things and talked good about their partners(did you actually read these texts or are trusting him). All the while he’s eating lunch with her, walking out with her, and flirting. There’s a reason everyone thought they were having an affair it sounds like they were acting very inappropriate with eachother.

   Then he tells you he asked to be seperated from her because she’s suddenly annoying. Then you find out fron her that he didn’t ask they were just seperate from eachother by their boss because of their inappropriate relationship after she tries to go and console your hsuband about not being together anymore.

   Then he lies again saying he did asked to be moved because she is childish and annoying (so basically the same thing except it cane out that their relationship was inappropriate on both sides). He then blames you for him not being able to tell you to deflect you questioning whether the story he’s telling is adding up by making you question your own sanity…..and its working. I’m not saying he was cheating but he knows his relationship was inappropriate with her and thats why he didn’t tell you because you’d be rightly upset.

   As a partner he should be glad your worried and want to talk about this because you care about your marriage rather then you not caring at all. You both need to sit down and talk about it. If he isn’t willing to talk about the woman he’s accused of having an affair with and it’s so bad that they were seperate by management then there’s a BIG problem.

2. I get he should have told you why they separated, but you do seem incredibly jealous.

   They didn’t have an affair, there was just a rumor being spread, and they separated for appearances sake. He’s allowed to have friends of the opposite gender, even friends he works with. He made up a reason why they separated because you would have flown off the handle based on a rumor that had no fact to it. He should have told you the truth, but it’s hard to communicate with someone who has unreasonable expectations.

3. He was wrong to hide the rumor and reason for work separation from you. That’s lying by omission. He also shouldn’t need to worry about you getting upset when he needs to come tell you something. Maybe rephrase this as you aren’t upset, but rather are disappointed that he hid this from, and that you’ll make an active effort to work on how you handle things when he comes to tell you. Right now he’s able to turn it around on you because you act exactly how he believes you will. Try not to do that so he doesn’t have that as an excuse to make.

   He may feel embarrassed because he let happen exactly what you said might. And his pride may be part of what held him back from saying anything. To his credit he made the correct decision to end the association at work, and you should acknowledge that you recognize that to him. Use that as a bridge to further the conversation about the trust between you and about how being open about issues that arise in marriage is a significant part of having a happy and healthy marriage.

   In a past relationship, my ex had a habit of unloading her feelings around a problem with me or between us. And rather than discuss the issue at hand or my feelings about it she would just get upset and either refuse to acknowledge her role in the issue or refuse to hear my feelings about it. I can’t say if that’s an issue between you and your husband, but I do know that for myself I try and stay mindful of how my spouse see’s the situation and their current feelings and their long term feelings about the issue when we discuss things now.

   Sometimes being accusatory is a counterproductive way of of addressing things. Ask questions instead of make statements.

4. >He has always told me that it’s difficult for women to have male friends because they would eventually want more

   That’s his belief and yet stayed close to this co-worker, sitting together, eating lunch together and wait for each other to walk out together, which started rumors of them having an affair?

   He should have told you why he requested for them to be separated especially if he’s maintaining friendship with this woman.

   Jealous or not, true or not, you deserve to know of a rumor that your husband is having an affair. How can you trust him fully if he’s keeping these things affecting your relationship a secret?

   Edit: I don’t think he’s the one who requested that they should be separated. Their boss could have done it because of those rumors.

5. It’s not your fault. It’s his fault for not taking accountability for the “rumor” and his lies. He is shifting blame to you to shift your focus from him. He should have known the rumors would get to you. He didn’t have have a problem with you being upset. He had a problem that co-workers were upset and stopped his inappropriate activities. Now you should be upset from him keeping this conflict from you. Also follow the rumor mill to get more info because he’s lying to you.

6. I don’t get it. I also work in Healthcare and have warm relationships with my coworkers, male and female, without having to be friends with them or text or make videos or walk out together.

   Your husband needs to stay in his lane. You’re fine.

7. Wow. Your husband is a hypocrite and very manipulative. Him blaming you because “you would get upset” is absolute BS.

   My ex (who was a cheater) did this all the time. She didn’t tell me about this guy hitting on her or another guy literally asking her to go on a two week vacation with him (!) or another situation where she was meeting with another guy secretly…because I’d get upset.

   This is just them rationalizing dishonesty, and it also removes your agency from the situation. You don’t get to make up your own mind because they’ve already decided the outcome (true or not).

   A lot…A LOT…of the stuff you relay about your husband seem like red flags to me. He doesn’t seem to be honest and he doesn’t seem to respect you.

8. Sounds kinda like when the rumors started flying…because everyone noticed how much time they spent together….he may have sounded her out about it, or said something sideways to her about it, and she shut that shit down like ‘it ain’t happening ‘ so he asked to be moved….hilarious that he professed concern that SHE wouldn’t handle the rumor mill? So naturally he lies to you and say she’s a terrible coworker suddenly. What an ass….he would’ve dated her if she was up for it….

9. >He has always told me that it’s difficult for women to have male friends because they would eventually want more

   First off, this is just a baldfaced lie. Regardless of the field I’ve seen infinitely more men get inappropriately attached to their female coworkers than the reverse. This sounds like him laying the groundwork for you to not find it suspicious if he has an inappropriate amount of contact with someone from work.

   >and I had gotten upset with him in the past over texting female coworkers for this reason but after he reassured me that he would never give the impression that he was anything more than friends, we moved on and I worked on not being insecure as this was something he had told me I needed to work on.

   There are two types of people who want their girlfriends to work on being insecure.

   1. Trustworthy guys that are doing nothing wrong.

   2. Guys who are cheating on their girlfriends.

   Let’s see if the rest of this story gives us any clues as to which category your boyfriend falls under.

   >Of course I wanted to know more and she informed me that before she left they had always sat together, ate lunch together, and would wait for each other to walk out together(I was aware of most of this) but that then they had heard a rumor about them having an affair and had been separated and she was just talking about how it wasn’t the same.

   So he’s been having an extremely close relationship with a coworker, to the point where everyone else in the office assumes they are sleeping together. Not looking good so far, especially since you say you were only aware of **most** of these interactions. I’m guessing the ones you didn’t know about were the more intimate ones, right?

   >What she doesn’t know and what I had been told, was that my husband requested to be separated from her. At the time when I asked(I thought it was very strange) why he wanted to be separated he told me because she was annoying and always asking him to do her work. I obviously questioned this at the time because it seemed sketch but he made me feel crazy.

   So he told you an obvious lie about why he wasn’t talking to this coworker anymore, you noticed it was an obvious lie, and he got defensive and gaslit you into thinking you were crazy for not trusting a statement that turned out to be an obvious lie. Looking even worse, now.

   >So flashback to after the party, when I told my husband what I had been told he said that he had heard the rumor and that that was why he asked to be separated from her because he didn’t feel that she would be able to “handle the situation maturely without feeding into the rumors”.

   Yeah, that sounds like a lie too. Frankly I’d be curious to know if he was actually the one that requested the separation or if their boss forced the issue because of their inappropriate relationship. And trust me, it was inappropriate. If the entire office is talking about an affair they think these two are having then that’s the kind of thing that management needs to stay on top of, and also the kind of thin you’re not going to like. Hence all the lies.

   >When I voiced that I was upset that he didn’t tell me the truth about what happened he literally turned it back on me and said that it’s my fault he couldn’t tell me because he knew I would be upset. Ummm.. duh. I literally had been telling him that people were gonna talk just based off the things I was seeing and he always gaslit me and made me feel crazy.

   “I didn’t tell you about this thing I’d been doing for a long time that I knew you wouldn’t like because you’d be all craaaaaazy and not like it! So instead I lied to you repeatedly about it, then gaslit you and made you think you were crazy for questioning my lie.” Not exactly as compelling an excuse as this guy seems to think it is.

   >We are now at a crossroads. With myself feeling like I can’t trust him and angry that he won’t take accountability for the situation and him saying that this is why he didn’t tell me and that I need to think about why he feels like he can’t tell me.

   You feel like that because you **can’t** trust him and he **isn’t** taking any accountability whatsoever. Him trying to blame you having a reasonable reaction to shady behavior as a valid reason for him to keep all his shady behavior a secret and lie to you about it is by a wide margin the dumbest excuse for lying I think I’ve ever seen. Next time someone gets caught committing a murder they should try telling the cops “well I knew you’d get all MAD about it for some dumb reason, probably on your period or something, so I really had no choice but to try to cover up the crime; this is really your fault if you think about it.”

   >I am allowed to have feelings about this and voice those to my husband, right?

   Absolutely, 100%. The fact that he’s trying to browbeat you into accepting a situation where you can’t ever question him about his obvious lies because it’s somehow your fault he has to lie is absolute bullshit and you should be angry.

   >Am I way off base here? How would you feel/react?

   I would have reacted by dumping him the minute he tried to blame his lying on me. If he had come clean, apologized, acknowledged he was wrong to lie and gave me a believable promise that he was going to work on becoming more trustworthy I might, emphasis on **might**, have given the relationship one more chance. But given his complete lack of remorse for lying to you over and over and over about shady behavior that he knew you (and apparently every single person at his office) would have a problem with I see no future here unless you just resign yourself to being ok with being cheated on and never asking questions.

   Don’t settle for that. You can do better.

10. So he predicted you would be upset if he told you about a rumor, which he took steps to quash, and that’s exactly what you did. There’s no way for him to do the right thing with you is there? He tells you you’re upset, he quashes it without telling you you’re upset.

11. I love the hypocrisy that you can’t have male friends because women always want more, but he can have female friends knowing women “always want more”.

    I think it’s him that always wants more. Your husband seems loyalty and honesty challenged.