I (23F) do not like my boyfriend’s (26M) last name, but I’ve heard him mention it before that it’s important to him for me to take it if we were to be married. I love him and our relationship dearly, but the thought of taking his last name if we were to be married makes me shudder. Generally speaking, I’ve always been conflicted at the thought of changing my maiden name once I am married. I feel very attached to it.. there’s just so much significance. It was originally my grandfather’s first name (dad took his name instead when we moved to america) and I feel very close to him even after his death. I was very politically involved in college, and my maiden name has several news articles attached to achievements I am very passionate about and worked very hard on. Even the meaning of my name translated from the ***** -confidential- language holds a precious significance to me (translates to “great” and first name means “gift” so my name literally means the “great gift,” as I was born around my parent’s anniversary) so giving up my maiden name feels like a big decision to make. It doesn’t help that I also do not like my bf’s name very much. Does that make me an asshole? I will likely pursue a phD or MD and it makes me sad that I can’t just enjoy the thought of being regarded by my husbands last name. I don’t even know how to tell him this or if I should just suck it up and see what happens; don’t want to hurt him unnecessarily when we’re not even anywhere near being ready for marriage yet.
Advice would be most appreciated.
tl;dr I hate the thought of taking my boyfriends last name because I don’t like how it sounds and I’m attached to my maiden name.
Edit: After reading the comments, I definitely plan on bringing it up. Wondering if I should leave out the bit that I don’t like how it sounds, though, as I don’t want to hurt him unnecessarily.
26 comments
> Does that make me an asshole?
Nope…why would it? More and more women keep their last names nowadays.
> I don’t even know how to tell him this or if I should just suck it up and see what happens; don’t want to hurt him unnecessarily when we’re not even anywhere near being ready for marriage yet.
Just casually mention it when talking about expectations for the future. Last names can be a dealbreaker for some people, so it’s definitely something that should be discussed.
Absolutely not an asshole.
Talk to him about it.
I personally would have no issue with my fiancé wanting to keep her maiden name.
No better time to talk about it now. Get it out of the way so he’s aware down the road if you two arrive at marriage potential.
Maybe leave out the bit that you think his last name is ugly 😉 just focus on why your name holds significant value to you and **plan to keep it**.
You need to talk to him about this. If he is unwilling to marry a woman who wouldn’t take his last name, as ridiculous as that is, and you don’t want to change your name, you obviously cannot be together.
you could always keep your last name or hyphenate your names
NTA, Hope its not a deal breaker for him. I would not care if my wife had change her to
“Princess Consuela Bananahammock,”
I would still love her
When My wife and I (both women) got married the whole last name thing was up for grabs. I was also attached to my maiden name but it was soooooo common (smith) so I waited until our first anniversary and surprised her with my name change. We had decided to do traditional anniversary gifts. And the first year anniversary was paper so it was perfect. I realized in the end it was a hell of a lot more important for her then it was to me so I should just do it.
whats the last name
I’ve been happily married for 14 years and my wife kept her name. Here’s how our conversation went; her: when we get married, I want to keep my last name. Me: cool. I mean the whole idea is rooted in ANTIQUITY! There’s no good reason for it anymore. Its a PITA to change it too.
You’re 23, why are you even thinking of marriage? Live life, travel, explore, pursue your interests, find a career you love and grow as an individual.
A lot of my friends changed their names legally but still continued to go by their original names anyway because they had established their careers and their entire network knew them by that name already. To change it would have been confusing and they would have had to do too much networking to get people to realize it was the same person and to remember their name had changed, so they just didn’t switch. You could do that… legally change your name but professionally go by your original name. It’s not the worst thing either as it makes it that much harder for weirdos to find you outside of work. As for your future degrees, they’ll put whatever name on the diploma you tell them to.
Your last name is a very personal decision on whether you want to keep or change. I feel really proud that my wife took my last name and is doing great things in her career. However, that was her decision to take on my family’s name and in no way should be nor was the expectation. On top of that, my wife and I got married before either of us really have a career, so that wasn’t really an issue. You have to do what you believe is best for you personally, and the professional issue is definitely something to consider. Either way, make the decision bc you want to and not bc you made it for someone else. Good luck. 🙂
You don’t have to tell him you don’t like his name. But you have some wonderful reasons to want to keep your own name. You can simply tell him that this what you want and then ask him what he thinks of that.
My partner has a horrible last name as well, I have mentioned it to him that I don’t want it when we marry. Literally caused a fight.
In before red flags because I know and am dumb.
Man, I kept mine and the number of people who asked me what my new last name was, is unreal. I’m like, I literally introduce myself as Crafting Crazy (Incredibly Unique Last Name) from (state that’s one letter off from last name). I’m not coming up with some new last name ice breaker with my husbands incredibly common hispanic last name.
You don’t need any reason to keep your maiden name. “I want to keep it” is good enough. If your bf throws a fit about it, he needs to work on his antiquitated world views. If sharing a last name is that important to him, he’s welcome to take yours.
I really hate how the last name debate is usually done. There are 2 names, they are objectively equal so it should be an equal discussion about if one changes the name, or you hyphenate or both keep their name. Then there is a discussion which name would be better for potential children.
To my knowledge, this is how it is being discussed in same-sex relationship. But the moment there is a man and a woman in the mix all logic gets thrown out if the window. The discussion usually focuses on her and if she will change the name. Why? No idea. Well I know, history, patriarchy etc. but even people that are seemingly not buying into these concepts are suddenly falling back into the old patterns. The discussion switches from “what should we both do” to “what will she do”. There is no logical reason for it.
You wonder if you are an asshole if you don’t enthusiastically take his name. Does he wonder the same? Do most men wonder that?
OP, if you don’t live by any of the other “traditional” values there is no reason not to start the conversation from a strong point of having two names of equal worth. And sorry for the rant, the topic always enrages me as it is approached so unfair.
My sister got married and kept her name. Her husband knew she didn’t want to take his name, but kept asking before their wedding. She snapped at him and told him “no, I have an attachment to my name, I like my surname. I don’t like yours”. They married and she kept her surname. It hasn’t been an issue.
NTA. Keep yours. You can be married with diff last names.
My wife kept her last name and I kept mine. It wasn’t because we don’t like each others last names but I’m very attached to mine and she has her PhD under hers- so we just left them as is. No big whoop. The only thing that ever comes up is that we do have to specify that we are married when at the bank, tax lady, doctors office, school for the kids, etc.
Definitely need to bring all these points up to him, which are pretty valid. Even if you didn’t have any of these reasons, not wanting to take your husband’s name is okay. If it seems like that would insult him then don’t tell him that you don’t like his name lol.
One of my high school teachers kept her last name because “I earned my degree, my last name is awesome, and I hate my husband’s last name”is what she told us. Keep yours if you want to and if he doesn’t understand then he’s not the guy for you
I always wonder why “Whiteheads” don’t just let that family name die.
I believe you have found a central incompatibility. He’s a legacybro.
Soft-pedalling this will not be a kindness.
I wouldn’t bother mentioning you don’t like his name. Just explain that you don’t want to change your name because of all the other personal and very valid reasons you mentioned here.
You need to tell him because if he can’t get over it you should know this now. I can’t imagine ever caring about somebody’s name more than I care about them, so in my view this seems like something he should be able to cope with and move on with you together with different names. However, obviously some other people have different feelings about things so I can’t say what he’ll decide.
I didn’t put my husband’s last name simply because I would have to update a lot of things and we thought it was unnecessary work.
I think you can keep it, just don’t say the exact motives and think about another reason.
When my kids were born we decide to put both our last names as their last name. So they have long names, which I don’t like that much. Besides that everything is fine.
If your bf asks if you don’t want to because it is easier to divorce, tell him that is that was your mindset you wouldn’t marry and save money with wedding and etc.
I read this play! Do you live in Verona, per chance? Got a cousin named Rosaline?
Tell him you’re keeping your name. Don’t mention that you don’t like the sound of his. He doesn’t need to hear that. But honestly he should be so happy to share his life with you that he shouldn’t require a name change on your part.
Just make it clear you won’t be taking his last name. It’s his problem if he makes it a big deal.