My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for the past year and we just completed IVF but sadly it ended in miscarriage. Three weeks after my miscarriage he informed me that he is struggling with loosing feelings for me and that he must have a biological child to be happy. Since then I have found him to be hot and cold with me as if he doesn’t want to connect with me unless I get pregnant (my perception). He said he is willing to try IVF again if we can get financial support from family but he seems to be dragging his feet with that. Meanwhile I am crushed and dealing with the miscarriage and the possible loss of my marriage. I guess I’m just wanting to get this out there and hear people’s comments because we have kept it private that we even did IVF and had the miscarriage. For more insight I am 42 and very near then end of my child bearing years. I am open to donar eggs and or adoption but my husband is not.
34 comments
Your husband is being an insensitive ass and he’s taking his feelings about being a biological parent on you. If this marriage is going to survive he needs therapy and now. This is a circumstance beyond your control and blaming you/putting it on you that he has to have a child rather than working on that expectation for his life sounds like it’s pushing towards abusive tactics.
Sorry op. You can’t change your age or your combined fertility. If he can’t love you anyway you’re better off without him.
Your husband is a jerk. You just suffered a miscarriage and he’s loosing feelings because you can’t ‘give’ him what he wants? It’s beyond selfish and insensitive.
I am sorry, but with what he has said, he is the last man you should have a baby with. He is insensitive and sounds uncommitted to you as his wife.
He says he wants a baby to be happy, then what will he need as the baby gets older? This does not sound like a long-term marriage. He is treating you like you are disposable.
Your husband sounds like an asshole. He *must* have a biological child to be happy?? I would reconsider having children with this person. Your infertility is not your fault at all. You are not a failure. Adoption is always an option as well, with or without your husband.
I am so sorry to hear about your MC. I suffered one between my first and second child, and I highly recommend therapy for the grief. I remember feeling like such a horrible mother and couldn’t wrap my head around the concept I didn’t do anything wrong. Just so you know, you are awesome and the simple fact you put your body through IVF shows your dedication and perseverance.
In regard to your marriage situation, your husband sounds selfish… Very, very selfish. Unless you have tests showing otherwise, this is as much his fertility issue as it is yours. I understand this may be his way of expressing grief, but taking it out on you is thoughtless and cruel.
That isn’t love. He doesn’t truly love you for that to even come out of his mouth. Also, you are towards the end of your fertile years versus the beginning, BUT you’re still in those years so good luck to you love, I just had 2 cousins have perfect healthy pregnancies in their early 40’s. It’s more common than you think. Find you some online groups to join, you’ll see just how common it is, especially in other cultures. A child isn’t going to make that marriage last though. He in no way deserves you! I truly wish you the very best! My thoughts are with you during your healing process from what just happened to you also. ❤️
Sounds like he’s struggling with the infertility just as you are, but in a different way.
I’m sorry but your husband is a monster. You’re supposed to be his partner, not his broodmare. “I must have children with my DNA” get out of here with that. Are you married to Henry the 8th? 3 weeks after a miscarriage? Really??? I just can’t with him and you shouldn’t either.
If your marriage fails it’s because he is an absolute monster and should never father any children
This does not sound like a person you should want to have a kid with.
How long have you been together? If children are so important to him why didn’t you try sooner? Would have been kind of an obvious solution for age related infertility. And if it wasn’t so important for him earlier, why is it now? My 37 year old friend who wants kids desperately is trying to get pregnant within half a year of meeting the guy
If his love is going to be conditional like that, then maybe HE shouldn’t be a parent.
How old is he and how long have you guys been together, before marriage?
Is this not something he’s considered?
This isn’t your fault. He’s being a jerk and if he waited years before getting engaged, then years being engaged, he wasted your best years and pushed it himself as well.
Ivf is a long journey and a stressful one.
You’re already going through so much. His lack of care is astounding to me.
Waiting till 42 to have children is not a very good plan. At that age pregnancy challenges are the norm. If he doesn’t understand that he needs to read up or get WAY more educated with expectations.
Miscarriages are a traumatic experience, your husband needs to stop being a jerk and heal.
Wow, I’m really sorry. Your husband is a jerk IMO.
You married each other fir better or worse. True love should bd unconditional.
Oh my god! I am so sorry for what you are going through all of this, I can’t even imagine….
You did nothing wrong, this is just how life played out. I am so sorry he is being an insensitive ass, it does however show that he probably wouldn’t be a good parent.
Speak up to your friends and family, and keep your support network close 💜
I don’t think you should be that concern about what he wants anymore if this is how he behaved. I did the IVF myself as donor and I remember how much it hurt my body. The tiredness, the bloating, the medications and injections and I was not fully recovered until 2-3 periods later. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through physically and emotionally with the miscarriage. I don’t know why he wanted a biological kid so much or why did he wait so long if this is what he wants but I don’t think you should be at the receiving end of his crazy, bad decisions. I would suggest surrogate if you want his sperm and your egg but I am concerned with how he will treat you or if anything will happen between the surrogates later. Also, think of the financial stress you will be in if you borrow any just for IVF or surrogate. I think at the end of the day you need to ask yourself what would make YOU happy (alright without kid, IVF again, adoption etc) and what are you willing to give up to have that (risk in giving birth, financial stress etc). He shouldn’t be in the picture when you making this decision.
I’m sorry your husband is an ass to you about this especially after you experienced miscarriage.
Unfortunately, not sure if you will be able to have a child without choosing a surrogate at this point. You could try IVF again; some people get lucky to have a baby with it…. But at 42 it will be significantly difficult to say for certain if that will also be successful. Especially if you’re already have difficulties receiving the funds for a second try. You may need to seek counseling for your marriage or some individual counseling to come to terms with what’s happening.
You’ll be so grateful that after you divorce, you don’t have to deal with sharing custody or child support. Said every divorced single mother ever.
After you split, get the donor egg. Adopt the baby. Do you sweetheart.
Did he mention needing a bio child as a deal breaker in the beginning?? Surely, unless you’ve been married for 10+ years, the possibility of having fertility issues had to have been brought up at least because of age, so this seems so ridiculous he’s ready to bail now.
I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss, I know your hopes were very high to do this out of love for THIS human…BUT…His love should be greater for you not weaker! Having a child or not has no bearing on the love of another…The man’s pride and arrogance is based on pure emotional immaturity. You want and deserve better for yourself in this very temporary life. You will have a chance to refine and define yourself, grow stronger, increase your inner beauty and self worth…YOU WILL find another who will love, RESPECT and accept you. It’s disgusting to read this and it happens way too often to women than need be…your not any “less” because of a physical function not in play and you sure as hell shouldn’t be with anyone treating you that way…❤️💯
He’s looney..daffy duck style 🦆👀🤨🤣
Hmmm My first marriage ended in divorce within 6 months of my two back to back miscarriages post IVF.. Sorry you are dealing with this. He is being super unreal, a jerk and inconsiderate.. I would suggest you ficus on healing through this first. He may be lashing out out of fear or loss as well.. but its unfair to you
Thank you everyone for your comments, feedback, advice, and support. My take away is that we are both grieving and will benefit from additional support/ therapy and even in that context of grief what he said was a giant red flag. I will keep moving forward knowing I did the best I could and deserve the best in return.
We’re certain that the fertility is your issue and not his?
Girl, infertility is so hard, so before you do anything, give yourself grace for what you went through.
Honestly, I would use this time to really connect with your husband, talk about what you see in your future, what a successful marriage looks like. And what it does not look like. What being a good parent is and what it isn’t. Maybe once you better understand where his wants come from you can connect with him on a way forward.
I think calling him a jerk is immature. I think it’s better to focus on understanding your husband even if it ends. Calling him a ‘jerk’ doesn’t help your marriage. I think he’s probably going through emotional pain like you and doesn’t know how to digest the situation. Ideally, he should be supportive of you right now as you had the miscarriage, but he was also committed to the baby and the family life he envisioned you both having right?
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I think you’re both crushed. Maybe he just wants to distance himself from the disappointment and pain by running away. People do act childish like that sometimes regardless of their age. So, again calling him a jerk is stupid.
It’s also worth considering how his dream for the marriage and family is being lost. Accepting this reality is hard, and it is his choice if he wants to try with someone else, we are all free to choose that, but he needs to fully rationally realize that would mean losing what he has built with you. I think getting him to that rational place so he can think without the grief, emotion and frustration is key.
Right now he’s probably just having the fantasy of going with someone else, but in reality, he’s not going to leave and he is just sulking like a child, which is normal – we are animals.
So, being mature here for him would be really thinking about his choices. Does he really want to find a new partner and start again or is he willing to compromise with the woman he loves and build something that he didn’t expect to, such as adoption or IVF? I think the latter is the better choice if he really loves you and leaving you over this would be a huge mistake, but people do stupid things when they are emotional and stubbornly so.
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Good luck!
>he is struggling with loosing feelings for me and that he must have a biological child to be happy.
So he never viewed you as a person, just the incubator for his future kids.
That’s cold.
You deserve to be with someone who loves *you*, not just the access to your womb. You are so much more than your ability to have kids. If he doesn’t see that then he doesn’t deserve you, or any woman.
Sending love your way. I’m sorry your heart is going through this 💕
Sounds like children are more important to him than marriage, which is fair. I would gladly die for my children, so would my wife, and if given the choice I would choose the children over my wife, and so would she. If you guys can’t have children maybe you shouldn’t be together.
He sounds very selfish. He should be supportive of you no matter what happens. Have y’all considered adoption?
Wow I am so so sorry for what you’re going through.
My wife and I also have had fertility issues over the past two years and, unfortunately, our journey ended without success.
It was difficult, to say the least, but my wife and I never stopped, not for a SECOND, sticking by each other and I think we love each other even harder now.
I’ve wanted to be a father to biological children my whole life. But I could never even IMAGINE making my wife feel like a failure and a disappointment (a) over something that ISNT HER FAULT and (b) at a time when you’re going through something as traumatic as a miscarriage. We men can never understand what that’s like, but there’s no excuse for making it worse for you.
I don’t know you or your husband, but I can certainly tell you, you deserve better. Wish you the best of luck.
I also found, more often than not, this is due to incompatibility.
So many of my friends/acquaintances go through the same struggle only to get pregnant so fast after moving on to a new partner.
He’s not worth your time, really. You’re not a breeding animal. Love shouldn’t be defined by your ability to procreate. I hope you’ll be happier moving forward, and get the love and respect any true partner should have!
Cut him off and adopt on your own.