Hello. I need some advice regarding this. My hubby’s friend comes over to our house or goes out with us on trips and night-outs (he’s single). He’s very attractive and I can’t figure out how to deal with the crush.

I’d appreciate your input.

26 comments

  1. **Having you considered being an adult?**

    It’s OK to crush on someone from time to time, but you are in charge of everything you do and say. That’s not a responsibility that you get to throw away because your primate brain wants zug-zug with another hot male. You still love your husband, you still want a commitment with him and you still have promises and rules and agreements that your adult brain needs to follow. So – just do that.

    I know this sounds a bit smart-assy but I want you to realize that what your base animal brain wants isn’t what you want for your future.

    Enjoy your fantasy, but do not come anywhere near acting on any of it.

  2. We can’t always choose who we find attractive.

    That being said, TREAD CAREFULLY. You need to put up boundaries on how to interact with this person if you want to remain 100% emotionally and physically faithful to your husband.

  5. Almost every single one of my husband’s friends are attractive and 75% of them are single. Do I have a crush? No… I’m married and an adult woman and know what lust is. Learn to realize how you would feel if this was the other way around.

  6. What a dangerous game this is.
    Tread Carefully. Please don’t put yourself in any compromising situations. These usually involve alcohol and one on one time.

  7. You put it away and never take it back out because you’re married and he’s your husbands friend. Crossing that line would destroy not just your marriage but their friendship.

    Leave it alone. You can’t choose who you’re attracted to but you can certainly choose how you respond to said attraction.

  9. Maybe it’s time to have more couple friends and encourage that with your spouse. Less time with this single friend.
    I do not suggest telling your husband. It’s just a crush, as far as we know and it would be pretty hurtful to find out your spouse has a crush on your best friend.
    I’d limit time with this friend personally and maybe look for turn offs that could kill the crush?

  10. How old are you? You’re a married, adult woman. Get over this crush, nothing good will come from this if you act upon it. Wouldn’t you be hurt if your husband had a crush on your friend?

  12. I’ve had a crush or two since being married. I realize what it is though and don’t act on anything. Feelings fade and not all of them are worth acting on, especially when you know it’d hurt someone you love.

  13. All of these people saying things like “enjoy the fantasy” etc. No. just no. The more you feed that inner fantasy and entertain sexual thoughts about this man the stronger that “crush” is going to become.

    Try using some good ole fashioned CBT and redirecting those thoughts about this man that isn’t your husband. You can interchange these thoughts with good memories and fantasies you’ve had about your husband in the past. Or you could always try something a little more harsh and “play the tape through” on the fantasies about this man who isn’t your husband… meaning after you play through whatever the sexual fantasy is in your head, then think about the consequences that would follow if your husband were to find out. Think about how you’d feel if your husband was lusting after another woman.

    It’s very important to remember that thoughts precede emotions and actions, so if you keep feeding these thoughts about another man you’re also feeding further emotions and potential actions with this man.

    You can absolutely take ownership and responsibility for your thoughts, so put your big girl pants on, leave the fantasies behind and come back to the real world with your husband

    Editing to add: don’t tell your husband. This is a YOU problem that you’ve honestly created for yourself by allowing this fantasy to grow. He doesn’t deserve to have his friendship potentially compromised, his self esteem wrecked or to live with the constant wonder if you’re lusting after his friends.

  14. Opt out of hanging out with them and make alternative plans. Just spend less time with him and the crush will fade. Invest in your friends, hobbies, volunteer work etc.

  15. Divorce husband and then let his friend know you fantasize about him so that you can pursue a relationship with him. Should go smoothly!

    But seriously, do you want to end your marriage so you can pursue the friend. If so proceed as suggested above, if not then be an adult and get over it.

    And DO NOT tell your husband you have a crush on his friend and fantasize sexually about him, it will likely end your marriage.

  16. People are so fucking rude here! I’m sorry OP. I wish I could say just tuck away your feelings but that’s sooo difficult. Talk to a therapist and get their opinion, not ours.

  17. We’ve all been there. Let yourself feel the silly feelings and then move on. If you find yourself thinking about the guy you really need to figure out why you can’t regulate yourself. Attractive and charismatic people are everywhere, and we even find ourselves close to some of them throughout life. Basically, get over it and don’t feed the thoughts you’re having. Shut it down.

  18. Why does nearly everyone on the Reddit relationship-themed subs feel the need to be so acerbic in their comments and feedback? I follow all these other random subs (sobriety, depression, fitness, etc) and everyone is so kind and supportive. And then you come over here and it’s nothing but unnecessary name calling and shaming. Good grief.

    Concerning the question at hand, my one piece of advice would be, “Never put yourself in any potentially vulnerable positions.” For instance, you’re out drinking one night and your husband has a headache. He says he’s going to go home early, but you and his friend can stay out. You have to say, “No, I’ll go home with you.” Some commenters might say you need to be an “adult” and learn to control those passions, and that’s fair enough, but that doesn’t mean that you need to test yourself, right? If you’re a recovering alcoholic, you don’t need to hang around at the bar to demonstrate the stunning power of your sobriety.

  19. Just practice mindfulness. Crushes will happen throughout life, but you’te the one with the power to make the decision not to act on it.

    Don’t feel ashamed. You’re human, not dead.

  20. I’m sorry folks are rude. Looking into limerence is a good idea. Sometimes we get stuck on these crushes (for me I think it has to do with my autism), but it’s more about me than the other person. The other person fills some kind of need for fantasy or escape or? Falling for someone or having a crush is exciting and feels good. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your marriage.

    I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by talking to your husband – just because it’s his friend and neither of them deserve to have to have anything weird between them because of this revelation.

    It’s not your fault, you don’t have to “do” anything except sit with your pain and discomfort and see if it’s trying to teach you anything. Maybe talk to a therapist if you have access to one you trust. I know it can be hard to access therapy, let alone quality therapy.

    Good luck. Maybe the limerence community can help you more. They get how it’s “painful.”

  21. If you’re fantasizing about this man, stop and never do it again. Never ever masturbate while thinking about him. Do not imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with him.

    You can’t always help having a crush but you’re responsible for feeding or starving it.

    Don’t spend time alone with him. Don’t confide in him emotionally. Redirect your thoughts towards your partner and how he would feel if he knew you were struggling in this way.

  23. I think your problem might be that you are intertwining the idea being possible…. That the crush could be more. If you go into every interaction with the idea that it’s not a possibility your feelings likely won’t evolve.

    Meaning…. My friend had a crush on a guy for like a year or two in high school. So to me he was off limits and I didn’t entertain the idea of flirting or having a crush. But, I know that it could have evolved because the summer after graduation he told my friend that he thought I was cute and she was like hey he likes you. Call him (there was more to it but for the sake brevity that’s what it boiled down to). I don’t know if her feelings changed or what but she was fine and actually gave me his number.

    Turns out once I had the green light I did think he was cute and we dated for a couple of months. But, until that friend said go call I’m cool with it, my brain never entertained the idea.

    Remember what you have and think about why this guy is still single.

  25. The lesson mankind has learned from history is that mankind does not learn anything from history.

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