My ex and I got back together after being separated for several years (I know, ex for a reason). We’ve been back together for about 5 months and I’ve tried to break up the situation a few times since. Unfortunately, every time I try to leave he convinces me to stay. He’ll bring up working on things together, growing, how miserable he’ll be if I leave so I inevitably stay. While I see the potential to grow together, most of the time I’m unhappy. Even when I tell him this he’ll use logic and reasoning to explain why I’m trying to run away or that I’m sabotaging a great thing and just to give it time. The chaos and ups and downs of the relationship make my day to day life incredibly difficult and I feel so lost. I want to leave but I feel like I’ve dug myself in too deep and he’ll tell me how much he’s sacrificed time and energy to be with me. I’ve tried previously breaking up over calls or sending detailed emails about why I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. Afterwards I usually ignore his calls because I want out. When I’ve done this he’ll tell me I’m giving him the silent treatment and it’s psychopathic and unethical. How do I get out when he keeps insisting and convincing me we need to be together to heal our childhood trauma or we’ll continue these patterns with other people. I’ve been in other relationships and they aren’t as chaotic as this one. I desperately want out but I know he’ll just convince me why I’m wrong or evil or psychopathic if I leave and cut off contact. Help.
Tl;dr I want to break up with the man that I’m seeing but he insists we need to be together to heal and it’s immoral if I leave him after all the time and energy he’s put into the relationship.
7 comments
Um this dude is emotionally manipulating you and you need to bounce. You have the right to end something whenever the hell you want, no person is worth sacrificing your happiness and overall health for. Are you two living together?
Dont talk to him about it just go.
See a therapist about this issue.
The actual thing you need to do is send one final message telling him that you are breaking up with him and you want no further contact. Then block him on EVERYTHING.
You do NOT have to explain why, to his satisfaction or at all. You do NOT owe him closure. You do NOT owe him a chance to make his case. You can just go.
Smarten up. You know what you are doing. Stop being a wimpy push over.
I think your first steps are correct, in that you send email/texts, but you need to stick seriously to no contact in order for it to sink in for him and for you.
It’s not immoral to leave him. Lmao! That’s a hysterical line from him. Just leave. Then ghost him. He will obviously never change.
It looks like your partner is using a manipulation technique refer to as DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) where the toxic person pretends that they are the one being victimized when their victim tries to leave or stand up to them. [This article explains DARVO in better detail.](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/)
You are not a psychopath because you want a breakup, and the fact that he is calling you a psychopath because you are trying to break up with him demonstrates why the breakup is 100% justified. Trying to go no contact with someone because they are not respecting the fact that they want out of the relationship is not giving someone the silent treatment. [The power and control wheel diagram](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/) might be helpful for understanding what is going on in your relationship.
He doesn’t own you just because he sacrificed time and energy to be in the relationship. Sacrificing time and energy into a relationship that could potentially end in a breakup was a risk he chose to take. You have every right to break up with him.
Your partner is responsible for healing his own childhood trauma. Having a traumatic childhood does not give him the right to make you stay in a relationship against your will. Furthermore, a crucial part of healing from emotional trauma is learning to respect other people’s boundaries, which he is not doing by trying to make you stay with him. Staying with a toxic partner will make it harder for you to recover from your own trauma.