Throw away account
My wife and I are in an open relationship. Hit with the some issues many people in healthy open relationships have, she has a much easier time finding partners than I do. I’ve been upfront about my relationship with many girls and they’re turned away by it. However before I tell them it’s established they’re interested in a FWB or One night stand, hookup, whatever, until I tell them about my relationship. In your eyes is it unethical for me to just say, “I’m single. Not looking for anything serious.”
What would you do if someone lied to you about their relationship status?
Not here to hear about why open relationships are bad what not, each their own.
34 comments
I think you should be honest and let them do with that information as they wish.
Also, here for the ENM 🍿
[deleted]
I personally think it’s unethical. All the cards should be on the table so everyone involved can make an informed decision.
what if someone is maybe interested in something more casual/FWBish right now, but eventually would like something more serious with you?
I think the only reason why people are turned off by it is because some men have been known to lie about being in open relationships just to hookup with someone and most girls don’t want to be the mistress. While I feel for your struggles, I do think you shouldn’t lie about your relationship status. I guess it’s a little more better to just say “I’m not looking for anything serious” without mentioning whether you’re single or not. As long as both parties are established that it’s a one night stand and you’re not going to see them again. It might get more complicated with a FWB and you should disclose your relationship status with them because you’re likely to see them more often.
Nope don’t lie.
The consent conversation needs to end up in a full yes for all involved or we don’t take it any further.
So you’ve learned that many women don’t want to date or sleep with a married man, and your proposed solution is to not tell them that you’re married so you can sleep with them and maybe get them attached to you before they find out?
I’m non-monogamous and if a man did that to me, I’d drop him faster than a slippery watermelon. Ethical non-monogamy requires informed consent of all parties. If you don’t inform them that you’re married so they can make a fully informed decision to proceed with your relationship or not, then it’s ~~ethical~~ non-monogamy.
Yes it’s unethical. If this happened I would feel I hadn’t been able to give informed consent.
I could also see some girls assuming you were cheating and contacting your partner about it should they find out you’re in a relationship.
Unethical and shady, yeah. Best to be straight up.
If someone lied to be about this matter or omitted, I would doubt their integrity. It tells me that that person valued their own satisfaction higher than our relationship being grounded in informed consent. Not a good first impression!
It’s a shitty move! Might be frustrating to be rejected over this and take lots of patience, but enthusiastic yes and our partners knowing what they’re signing up for from the gitgo is important.
So your solution is to lie to them to obtain consent? Please spend some time learning about informed consent – something you’d be taking away because you are desperate to challenge your wife when it comes to # of partners.
I think you might actually need to tell them earlier in your conversation. Before they are ok with FWB or one night stand.
And the more comfortable you are with it, the more comfortable a partner will be. The more you try to defer and hide it, the shadier it will be and the other person will not like it.
And be ready to talk about why you and your wife are in a open relationship. Talk about the challenges you face. Tell your story. Talk about what you’re looking for. Will you have time for them or are you just looking for a hookup?
Be straight about it upfront. I think this sort of thing is more common these days. Some women will be ok and some won’t and that’s how it goes. But if you hide it or wait to say it, that’s a turn off.
Let them talk to your wife. It will show you’re honest and aren’t hiding anything, which is very likely to be their fear and the reason they ghost you.
Is there dating sites/apps for poly people? I know there are poly girls out there
>Hit with the some issues many people in healthy open relationships have, she has a much easier time finding partners than I do. I’ve been upfront about my relationship with many girls and they’re turned away by it.
Yep. That’s one of the things that men are supposed to get warned about before leaping into opening a relationship.
>In your eyes is it unethical for me to just say, “I’m single. Not looking for anything serious.”
Yep. It’s incredibly unethical. You’re going to probably have better luck leading with being a guy in an open marriage looking for something on the side than trying to date and then revealing you’re in an open marriage after they’re interested.
>What would you do if someone lied to you about their relationship status?
Well, I certainly wouldn’t continue seeing them or fucking them.
My general goal is to avoid any kind of convoluted entanglement and deception that would necessitate Victorian melodrama, madness, and murder. Or anything like Fatal Attraction, for that matter.
So unethical and i would be livid. Women have A lot more risk involved with sex. Beyond just pregnancy, women are more likely to face sexual violence, potentially physical violence and typically don’t have as good of a chance of orgasming with a new partner.
So women tend to be a bit more picky/ selective about sex. It’s offered to us maybe more often and more easily then to men, but we have so much more risk.
Lying about your status is gross, unethical, and would make you part of the problem that men are trying to distance themsleves from to have better chances with women.
It’s pretty common knowledge that when it comes to non-monagamy and open relationships, the women tend to find it easier to find willing men then the men are to find willing women. Because the risk is not the same or at least the potential partners won’t view it as the same.
The men are seeing an already in relationship woman, who is seeking sex but not hardcore commitment. So they might be assuming they don’t have to do as much emotional labor, but can still get their rocks off. Plus an in relationship woman might be less likely to keep an accidental pregnancy if it’s by their non primary partner/ probably practicing pretty safe sex to prevent pregnancy in the first place.
But for women considering sleeping with you, they have to weight the risk of accidental pregnancy vs your prior commitment because they aren’t your primary partner. Plus, sex with men can often be uncomfortable at first because of the boundary pushing, the orgasm gap etc, and if you are really just looking for casual fun, because you already have a partner… casual fun for that women means she less likely to orgasm statistically and more likely to again, be at risk of a dude pushing boundaries.
It may not feel fair, but that’s unfortunately life and it sucks from both ends.
Do not add to this by lying.
I’m not the language police, I promise. But the fact that you’re old and presumably established enough to be married but refer to your romantic interests as “girls” speaks volumes.
As a grown-ass polyamorous woman who is absolutely open to casual hookups, I still expect some basic respect
As soon as you start lying, it’s not longer “ethical” non monogamy. I’d be PISSED at you if you did that to me.
I will say, a lot of guys lie about being open or poly when they’re really just cheating. I’ve had a number of guys offer to meet up with their wife or let me talk to her to confirm it was okay. I never have done it, but them offering made it feel more legit. Maybe I was being played, but it was enough for me.
Dude, it’s so different. If I sleep with a single guy, even if neither of us is LOOKING for something serious, we both knew that IF Cupid struck so to speak, there is the OPTION of being a couple. But if ur MARRIED and lying about that, that’s complete deception. When someone chooses to sleep with someone, they deserve all the information to make an informed choice. Without that you aren’t even getting proper consent. Is that really what you want?
Consent can only be ethically given if it’s INFORMED. Withholding this information is awful. I would be PISSED.
If a man lied to me about his relationship status and I found out he’s married after having a relationship/ sex with him, that’d be literally on the podium of the most disgusting thing to ever happen to me.
I’d never let that slide, I’ll talk shit about that man to every one I knew, goverment names included.
You’re married. If you say “I’m single” then you are lying. Even though you’re in an open relationship that is shady as hell. The person you’re hooking up with thinks that you aren’t married- so if they do end up catching feelings for you in this FWB situation it’s shady on your part. Even if we don’t plan these things to happen, it can happen and it does. If they think you’re single then they won’t second guess their feelings.
Just don’t do it. Many people don’t want to fuck someone that’s married even if it’s an open relationship. And that’s ok. Don’t lie to someone in order to sleep with them.
Lying to your partners is never okay. That being said, you also do not have an obligation to disclose your relationship status to casual partners if you are not asked about it. It is our responsibility to discuss our boundaries with our partners, not theirs to guess. If a person has the boundary of not sleeping with people who have other relationships, it is their responsibility to ask about other relationships. Be clear about your intentions and be honest if they ask about your other relationships. If it becomes an ongoing thing, then probably worth discussing. I suggest dating other ethically non-monogamous people. It makes things much easier.
Instead of lying, could you try using apps like Feeld or Hinge and filter for folks who are cool with non-monag/polyamory? That’s the ethical move.
I would be furious. To me, that’s a trust issue. How the hell would I feel safe sleeping with a man I can’t trust? And yeah, you can be caring and totally safe to sleep with, but if you’re withholding info on your open relationship and I find out about it, I can’t trust you. I start thinking, “what else is he lying about?”
As someone who unknowingly had a sexual relationship with a married man, that really fucked with my mind when I found out he was married. I mean, literally required therapy level of fucked with my mind. I still feel really gross if I think about it, and it was decades ago. Performing such vulnerable and intimate acts with someone then finding out it was all based on a lie is not a good feeling and you should never willfully put another human being through that.
Don’t lie to obtain consent. Ever. That’s creepy and tbh it really feels like rape by deception.
I mean that’s what women do. They have many men on call and don’t tell the men about each other.You are naive. The world works in a pretty nasty way … these people all hide and sneak around to the max.
They get turned off when you tell them about other girls because it means you don’t know how to play the spy games. It is also you talking about yourself instead of entertaining them – women just want to be entertained until they fall in love, don’t talk about yourself.
I wouldn’t lie, but I wouldn’t mention it either unless asked if it’s for just hookups / casual sex with other people. I’m in a similar situation as you (although not married) and I only disclose my relationship status if the person asks me. I don’t personally ask my sexual partners’ relationship statuses, if they’re seeing other people etc. as it’s not really my concern.
The mistake happened when starting to bother with relationship status.
Edit: and asking people on reddit about how their moral opinion is about what you should tell people about your intimate life will not help.
Edit2: ask yourself the question: does love mean you owe something to the loved person?
I’m baffled by the people on here acting like this guy has a duty to tell a ONS he’s in an open relationship. If she’s agreed to no strings attached sex then what business is it of hers what string he may or may not have attached with other people. If she’s agreed to NSA sex then that is consent regardless of what else is going on in this guys life outside of this encounter. If she’s asked the question and he’s lied about it then it’s a different story but OP certainly doesn’t have a duty to tell her what she hasn’t asked about.
Some people here are talking like if she catches feelings and wants something more then he doesn’t have a say in the matter. And the fact that he didn’t give her information about his relationship is the reason she’s missing out on a relationship with him through some kind of deception.
To sum up my (monogamous) opinion on the matter is if she hasn’t asked you have no obligation to tell. Consent that has arisen from honest conversation is consent. Otherwise when do you draw the line with how much information she needs before she’s given “informed consent”?
Unethical. We are part of the community too and non monogamous. Is there a way you can verify that your wife knows and is ok with it? My husband is always available and also likes to chat with them. He also meets them for drinks before I do. If she doesn’t want to be that involved, maybe a generic video stating she is aware. I know it’s harder for men in the lifestyle, but you may want to get in the sites and go from there. Those are all like minded people. It possible to meet a long term through those sites. That’s what I did. Everyone is aware and everyone is in the same page. When you meet singles that aren’t like minded, it’s a whole different judgement.
Yes, it would be really shitty for you to lie about that. It sounds like you aren’t advertising that you’re in an open relationship from the beginning which I feel like is why you’re running into so many issues. Assuming you’re using dating apps, put it in your bio! Don’t waste other people’s time with small talk and working out the kinks of what type of thing you’re both looking for before slapping them with the “oh yea btw married man”.
I’ve been on both sides of what you’re trying to do, and lying about it would make you a huge scumbag. I don’t mind and have hooked up with guys who were in open relationships because it was in their bio, they were super up front about it, and it made me feel very comfortable and not like a homewrecker since I’m monogamous in my own realtionships. I’ve also almost hooked up with guys who weren’t up front about it in their bios, and guess what? They get blocked immediately. Because if you’d hide your life partner just to fuck, then what else would you lie to me about? It’s gross and deceptive.
Absolutely Bad and unethical.
This may come as a shock but women don’t like being lied to at all. Especially when it comes to secret relationships
Is it ethical to lie for sex? Um…. Do you hear yourself. Yes, yes it is – I’m poly being poly or ENM isn’t a get out of jail free card for dishonesty. Eesh