My husband and I have been married for 6 months now, when were dating i was looking for a message on his phone when i found out that before we started dating he sent pictures of me to his friend and told her “she looks like shit but i kinda like her”. For context i have been dealing with insecurities and overthinking for so long and that was a time when i finally learned how to love myself so when i read that it ruined the positive image i started seeing myself in. I confronted him about it and asked him if he doesn’t find me pretty he said that he didn’t mean it and it was just because he wanted to show her who he likes but without sharing his true thoughts and emotions with her because it makes him vulnerable? i didn’t really get what he meant by that but i moved on from it. we have a perfect relationship and he compliments me everyday but sometimes the insecurities kick in and i remember that the only person i care about said about me that i look like shit. please any advice on how to deal with this or how to get it out of my head because i feel hurt every time i remember it.
TL;DR my husband said i look like shit before we started dating but he said he didn’t mean it
44 comments
I don’t know what your husband meant. But, I have been known to downplay or get ahead of myself and try to sort of block off judgement from others by being self deprecating. It kind of sounds like that’s what he was doing. He was sharing he really liked you and wanted to head off the only line of criticism of his choice that a person who doesn’t know you could possibly make, because he didn’t want to hear it. Or at least I could absolutely see myself doing that
Take the win. He married you not her. Men use looks as a filter when deciding whom to pursue. However, for a lot of men, compatibility quickly becomes the dominant characteristic they appreciate the most. Looks fade over time – it is inevitable.
But compatibility generally doesn’t.
>i was looking for a message on his phone when i found out that beforewe started dating he sent pictures of me to his friend and told her “shelooks like shit but i kinda like her”
Mm hm, sure it was a total accident you stumbled upon it.
His explanation is pretty reasonable, considered. Obviously no one knows what’s really in his head but my advice would be, assuming of course he’s been a good husband who ACTS as though he’s attracted to you, to take him at his word and do your best not to think about it. If you’re dealing with compulsive thoughts about your insecurities generally, therapy may be a good option
Forget what was said. He married you – you won.
My current GF once told me I was a 60% in the looks and a 90% in the brains department. She still has sex with me and we have a great time, laugh and respect each other. Do I care if she thought I was a “D-” in the looks department at first? Fuck no, I don’t.
>i didn’t really get what he meant by that
Men are taught that sharing their true emotions or being vulnerable with someone else is really bad and scary. Women experience this to some degree, but it’s really not the same. So as a defense mechanism, many men hide their feelings. You know how little boys will tease a girl they like? This is kind of like that. He was scared his friend wouldn’t like you, or wouldn’t think you were attractive, so he pre-empted any possible negative reaction in order to protect himself. This is one of the effects of toxic masculinity in our culture.
He married you. He compliments you all the time. Unless something else is wrong in your relationship, I think you should just trust that he finds you attractive.
To me it sounds like he was insecure too and unsure if you would be into him or if his friend would be judgy.
So he preemptively said something that would allow him to tell his friends and himself “she wasn’t that great” if you weren’t interested.
And it would shut his friend up in advance if she tends to negatively critique the women he dates.
This isn’t about you, he probably downplays how much he likes other things too just in case they don’t work out.
That being said I know it was a hurtful thing to read and I know glad he’s putting in effort to let you know you are loved and desired.
I don’t care what other people are saying OP. I would be devastated. Your husband thinks your ugly and has been embarrased by your appearance. Has talked shit about how ugly you are with friends. Take a look through his jerk off material I suppose and see what he wishes he had. Probably a million pics saved of naked 18 year olds spread open. But he had settle for you. Yuck. But now he has a wife so he doesnt have to be the weird single guy. So you filled a spot that makes his life convenient while he can continue to fantasize over girls he actually wants.
Could be the “she looks like shit but she’s my shit that I married”
The play of shittalking is like a guys way of communicating.
Does he tend to self-deprecate? If so then it’s a defense mechanism talk lowly of yourself to appear sheepish
It also probably doesn’t serve you to think of your relationship as “perfect,” because it’s an impossible standard, and you’ll go into a tailspin any time anything comes up that challenges that conception. Not to say your relationship isn’t fulfilling for you both, but it’s easier to not overthink things if, when something comes up, your position is, “We are not perfect and this is an issue we can resolve,” as opposed to, “Oh no, one thing is wrong and our perfect relationship is crumbling.”
My friend told me the same thing about the guy she’s about to marry. At first she didn’t find him attractive at all; now she does!
It sounds to me like he was downplaying it because a fear of judgment.
It’s also ok to tell him how you feel and keep asking him for reassurance until your ok with yourself. He owes you that.
I would try not to worry about this, OP. First, his explanation reminds me of when people want to share something they really like but aren’t certain that enthusiasm will be shared, so they head it off at the pass (e.g., “the show’s a little cheesy but I’m enjoying it”). Second, there’s such a thing as bad pictures (bad lighting, bad angle, bad makeup, whatever) that have little to no correlation to what it’s like being around the real-life person. Third, I feel like guys are sometimes weirdly harsh on people’s appearances to their friends. I don’t really know what that’s all about but…
I want to know why you were invading your husband’s privacy by looking at his messages? That’s just like me going through your mail, ripping the envelope up and see what’s inside. Even if that was years ago, what gives? And if it was me and I caught my significant other looking at my messages that would be the end of the relationship /marriage.
You’re lucky he said that it was not a big deal. Everybody changes their views as they fall in love with someone. That’s what happened with you right? The more you let it bother you, the worse it’s gonna be for you two and that’s likely what will happen because you mentioned about your insecurities
Lesson learned – don’t snoop.
Maybe he just meant in that photo. I’ve taken photos and sent them and said I look like shit in this photo but here you go.
Print his pic (chose an ugly one), write “he looks like shit, but i like him” and glue it at the refrigerator door permanently.
😂😎
I don’t have advice, just want to offer some empathy. That would hurt my feelings and confidence as well.
People say dumb things all the time and I presume his opinion of you has evolved in a more positive way after being in a relationship with you – which ideally should be the case anyways! He didn’t shit talk you during your relationship which is a good thing – he just made a callous remark before he dated you. What matters now is his love and loyalty to you now.
It was before he dated and ffs you.. are.. married to him so you must be to his liking !
I’d be hurt too. Ask why then didn’t he MARRY HIS FRIEND? Major Jerk!!! He must love you no matter what he really may feel but still I would feel insulted. Could be you had a bad hair day even that day. I don’t look perfect in all of my own pix but if you have insecurities to begin With, I can understand your own feelings. You won’t forget his Words……I am wondering even if he said it on purpose to Make it sound like he would have preferred HER?
General rule of thumb for sentences that have a “but” in them is anything before the “but” can be ignored and everything after is the real statement.
E.g.: “I’m not racist BUT”
Oof. I’m sorry. That would be very hard to get past.
I would have broken it off right then and there. It was a mean thing to share with another woman (or anyone for that matter). The fact that he wasn’t proud of you and proud of himself for choosing you is disturbing.
Him telling you he didn’t mean it sounds like a cheap excuse. But since you think everything is perfect and you’ve accepted his explanation, I suggest you don’t worry about the past. If you are happy with yourself and your husband, then just remember, he married you for more than your looks. One mistake on his part is allowed.
Gushing about somebody new can be embarrassing, and depending on the audience can cause problems. Some guy friends take your interest in a girl as an unspoken challenge, while some girl friends can take your divided attention as an insult. In my experience downplaying your investment in a new girl is a defense mechanism to avoid bringing out any toxic behaviors that could destroy friend groups or the budding relationship.
Maybe your husband’s “she ugly AF” comment was indicative of an underlying lack of attraction, but it doesn’t sound like that from how you described everything else. I read it as a way to keep his relationship with you and his friend circle from intermingling until you and he were exclusive. Kinda like bluffing in cards to avoid telegraphing a winning hand until ready.
I’d be annoyed if someone sent pictures of me in the first place without my consent. And I wouldn’t continue a relationship upon reading that. You are justified in being hurt, as that is hurtful behaviour. Unfortunately, there’s nothing that can erase that moment, but getting past it is a choice you made a long time ago. It must have been pushed deep down to be coming up again now. Or perhaps it’s because now you’re hearing it from the perspective of someone you love and trust (insults from them always hurt more). I’d recommend cognitive behavioural therapy before this builds up even more so.
As an aside, I’m really sorry you went through this and it impacted your self esteem. I hope you can get peace about this somehow.
Actually quite frankly his reply was some BS Mr-Sensitive stuff “oh I shit-talked because I myself am the vulnerable one.”
Getting married while you’re still in the 18-30 month honeymoon phase is also a bit of a red flag.
I dunno OP, I feel like there was a reason you were snooping, there’s a reason you’re not feeling over this insult. It may not be the biggest deal-breaking action of the century but sounds like your gut feeling is that something is amiss.
I mean, it’s understandable that this hurts, but “she looks like shit but I kinda like her” sounds like that somebody says who is defensive about how they feel. His comment about it feeling vulnerable strikes me as probably spot-on. It’s hard to admit that you’re super into someone – you kind of tip-toe into it, hoping your friends are supportive.
Chances are this friend responded something like “no, I think she’s cute” to which he could say “yeah, I guess …” without putting himself out there.
You also need to ask yourself why you’re putting more weight on this one offhand comment, something that took maybe three seconds of thought, compared to literally the totality of the rest of his behavior over the past years, which I’m guessing strongly suggest that he finds you attractive?
If you’re going to pick three seconds of his behavior to be indicative of his true thoughts and feelings, why would you pick *those* three?
You landed him, he loves and compliments you. I know it stings to read that old text but try not to get too hung up on it.
this is wayyy more common than anyone would ever admit. plenty of my friends have said this about their significant other, and that was many years and babies ago. very happy marriages are the result. not one, not two.. honestly, now that i think about it, ive heard this from like 10 or so friends. its WILD what people say in the beginnings of relationships.
i’m not saying i know what OPs husband is thinking, im not saying hes definitely the same way my friends are, all im saying is that this sorta thing definitely happens and it does not automatically mean disaster. its easy for me to say.. hey let the past go, but thats the advice id offer. dont pay tax on ancient history
It’s ok to not find someone attractive or pretty but actually sending your friends pictures of them and telling them they “look like shit” is fucking disgusting. No way in hell I’d be with someone who did that. I wouldn’t even be friends with people like that.
Maybe the picture was after working out or in pajamas in something? I don’t know, I’d be heart broken though. It could be that you weren’t his usual type. My bf always liked large breasts ( well who doesn’t) but when he started dating me he said it changed his type because he really likes my body. So obviously he IS attracted to you, he dated you, married you, loves you. Of course he is attracted to you and doesn’t think that but I get what you mean. That would increase anyone’s insecurities.
It seems like he valued his friend’s approval of his relationship choices a lot. Is he a people pleaser? Why did his friend’s approval mean so much to him to the detriment of his feelings for you? I would consider couple’s therapy to resolve this if I were you as well as any underlying issues that will arise when that line of questioning is brought to a close.
IDK. I guess I’ve been where he is, and it’s a tricky road to navigate.
Long ago, I dated a girl I thought was cute, and she had a fantastic body – at least to me. My friends didn’t see it that way and told me they thought she was ugly. We ended up breaking up over that, although at the time I convinced myself it was for other reasons. Every now and then I remember her, and I still think she was attractive and wish I hadn’t listened to my friends. We were still in HS at the time and really had no long term future, but could have shared some good times together if I could have gotten past my friends having a low opinion of her looks.
I feel kind of bad for the guy. He was probably just trying to test the waters, and in a moment of weakness, said something stupid. Don’t let this one thing color your whole relationship with the guy. From what you posted, it seems like he’s already made amends for it (*he compliments me every day*), I think you can forgive him and move on. I’m not trying to invalidate how you feel, because really, this must suck to hear, but I don’t think you need to dwell on it.
I’m so rry this happened. I’m sure it was a blow. I’d be upset too! I’m wondering if it would do you good to meet with a therapist to deal with this issue and those insecurities (you would also learn healthy coping mechanisms to prevent any possible downward spirals). Issues could pop up in the future. Therapy could help you become more confident and resilient.
Yeah, that’s an objectively shit thing to say about anyone, much less the very person you’re romantically interested in, regardless of the context. That said, your husband isn’t a tasteless fool who knows you’re more than just your looks and he liked the you and the way you look so much he married you.
It’s never too late to work on your self esteem, which, while influenced by your husband, exists separately from him, and is a function of your own mind. We’re all dealt a hand of cards we didn’t choose, but we get to decide how to play them. And it doesn’t make much sense lamenting the cards we have when it’s not fair to judge someone based on things they didn’t choose. So, focus on the things you can choose, particularly the things that will make you proud of yourself. Sure, it’s nice to be recognized for the improvements you make, but self esteem is primarily about what you think of yourself.
i wasn’t snooping or invading his privacy guys 😭😭 i didn’t scroll through the conversation. he asked me to look for a cat picture that this friend sent him a while ago because we wanted to adopt a cat and she wanted to give it up and i just opened the media in the conversation and found some of my pictures there and i asked him why he sent them to her and he said it was when we first started talking i asked him what he was saying about me and he was like ” i dont remember check” that’s how i found out
Maybe it was just that the pic wasn’t flattering and not a good representation of how you actually look. I mean I totally get your reaction but remember that he loves you so much that he married you. People don’t marry people they find unattractive.
Wow guys say such dumb things. I think its sad he could be vulnerable to his friend and say that you are gorgeous – which he obviously does think because why would he stay with you and then marry you if he wasn’t attracted to you.
I once found a slightly similar message on my then boyfriends (now husbands phone) where a friend asked him how our relationship was doing and he said “yeh we fight all the time”. I literally couldn’t remember a single fight we had had. When I confronted him he said “I said that because thats what all my friends say about their relationships”.
It could be a similar situation – men (especially young men) are not always the most critical thinkers.
I will try and play devil’s advocate here as a bloke. We often do some stupid things that seem cruel or mean, but sometimes men struggle with expressing their feelings/have issues with vulnerability. I kinda understand him pretending he thought you looked like shit to protect himself should he be rejected either by you or his friend maybe telling him no chance etc. There’s a very high chance he didn’t mean it.
We are stupid sometimes. When I met my now wife, I was in another relationship. I had to fight feelings for my now wife for a long time, part of that was playing down her beauty to my friends to hide it. “Not my type”, “bit rough around the edges for me” In reality I was madly in love with her.
He was excited about you but didn’t feel like listening to his friend pick you apart, so he headed off the criticism at the pass.
How long ago was this message?
I’m sorry this happened to you OP 🙁 I would be shattered too if something like this happened. One big takeaway could be that your personality is amazing and another is that maybe you can give your husband the benefit of the doubt. It’s great that he compliments you every day and I know flashbacks are unavoidable, I would suggest some grounding exercises where you can affirm to yourself that you determine your own worth and that all the beauty and love you seek is within yourself.
When I was insecure and tearing myself down, this practice of reaffirming my own worth to myself helped a lot.
The fact that he even thinks it is OK to talk about women like that is not OK. What if you have a daughter? What if she is born with an oddly shaped head or she needs a helmet (these are common issues with babies) won’t you be thinking every time that he might think your baby looks like “shit”.? Or sending picturesque of it to his friends so he doesn’t appear as a vulnerable caring dad? He definitely had his own insecurities but unlike you he hasn’t dealt with them!
Remember, after this that man, had chosen to put a whole ring on your finger and openly commit to you. He didn’t have to do that, his actions have spoken louder than just those few words. Try to move forward and not let this ruin something far more important.