My ex & I were friends for a decade before we ever dated. We were more like FWB, but got along great before and after the deed was done. Over the years we grew more involved in each others personal lives, and would even hang out without sex. It wasn’t easy because I always had feelings for her. To me, she was this incredible woman and everything I could possibly want. Things grew to a point where dating was the logical next step, but she would always self sabotage.
I always forgave her when she came back around because I enjoyed her company. Everyone would tell me she was no good for me, deep down my mental health was deteriorating but I would gaslight myself into thinking I was thinking too deep into it. Plus, the sex was amazing and for a guy in his early to late 20’s I had almost no self control.
Long story short she eventually came clean about her feelings, we dated for almost a year and she dumped me. She told me she loved me but wasn’t “in love” with me. We tried to be friends after, but I always wanted more. Eventually things grew to me settling for a half assed friendship where she would treat me like a bf when she felt like it, and like some annoying creep when she wasn’t in the mood. I hated myself that whole time. I hated the hold she had on me but I couldn’t let go. One day she spoke to me a certain way, and I cut her off without looking back.
We don’t speak now, but as time goes on, I’m so embarrassed for how I acted. I hate that I went above & beyond for somebody who gave me the bare minimum in return. Even in friendship, I deserved more. My therapist says so as well. Seems like everyone does. I hate knowing if I ever brought that up to her, her response would be “I never asked you to”. Everyone around me saw it, but I couldn’t. I showed her grace and kindness when she didn’t deserve, felt like I was losing my sanity constantly. She would always tell me I was “overthinking”. I’m honestly just embarrassed. That isn’t me. I was this person around her I couldn’t respect, and i know she didn’t either. I don’t even know who that guy was. The more time I spent away from her, the more myself I felt. Have any of you been there before, and how do you move on from the shame & embarrassment?