We have been together for 8 years now and have lived together for 6. We love each other very much and we honestly love living together haha.
So anyway, the difference between myself and my partner are that he’s a lot more career-oriented than I am. I thrive more in just earning enough, not hating my job/position, not being in a lot of stress to support the hobbies I love, being able to eat out without worrying, going out every now and then, buying things and traveling! Even though we don’t travel a lot but having that option open makes me happy already. We both graduated college together with a BA in psychology, then we both diverted to tech in the long run. He really tried his best in a tech bootcamp, getting the job and hitting that personal goal of making 6 figures before 30. In which, he achieved so well obviously. I on the other hand have just jumped from job to job and eventually learned coding on my own through different positions and now I’m earning about 70k as a web ops while he’s earning around 150k as a software lead.
I could easily make more but the reason I’m hesitant is because I see what happens to people when making around that much. I sincerely HATE the work culture here in the USA. Again, I know it’s different for all fields but the stress is there and usually going up that ladder means you’ll typically have to become some kind of team lead/director/svp etc … in which I really don’t want to. Even my partner is making his job basically his life.. he’s a team lead and he’s in meetings the whole day 4x out of the 5 days.. he’s helping out his other team members on top of having to be part of mostly meaningless meetings, he doesn’t finish work until 6pm and even then he’s still trying to work after that… Even on his days off he’s still constantly thinking about work. Like there’s absolutely no rest.
Another example is my SVP and director in my company, where literally they’re on their phones sending emails during the holidays, after hours, etc. My director was part of a meeting (in which he didn’t need to be cus he was in PTO), while his wife was giving birth in the other room…. Please sit on that real quick. My director VOLUNTEERED to be in the meeting regardless of his wife giving birth. TF?!
The SVP of my company tried to reach my manager and I during NYE at 11 PM cus of some merchandising we needed to do. I didn’t answer nor took care of it until we got back to work. My manager did send an email literally saying “Hello! We will make sure to prioritize this once we get back during our working hours, have a great new year!”. And also we’re “hybrid” but our SVP comes in everyday and would commute 2 hours a day… again our SVP doesn’t need to come in everyday but CHOOSES TO… and our SVP is literally an hour away from the office.
I don’t mean to sound judgmental because at the end of the day, you do you. But this kind of “work culture” is what I see in the USA where it’s always a competition to work faster, better, and basically make it your life. I’m just not into that period. For me, I feel like I’m making a decent amount (70k) even if I were to live on my own. We don’t really go out often, we save a lot (I have 40k in savings right now, and he has 60k) and our rent is actually pretty cheap (1500 for 2 bed/1 bath, 1200 sq ft).
Anyway, my partner is stressed out and he has been discussing with me on possibly making more so he’s not under a lot of stress, and that he can “step back” without worrying. He does cover more of the bills even after I insist in just splitting everything, and maybe it’s why he feels like he’s under a lot of stress. Covering meaning instead of 50/50, it’s more of 70/30. I know his frustration is valid, so should I just insist on making more? Or go to another company that’s making more? I really do like where I’m at now and the company – I’m in 1-3 meetings each day, and sometimes I don’t have any for the day. There’s not a lot of responsibilities on my end, and I tend to get work done as quick as I can and just be on standby when needed. I get to go to the gym, cook lunch/dinner, make a small trip to the grocery store, go for a walk, etc. I’m just not ready to give that up because I need to make more. I’m just feeling pressured a bit, but maybe it’s just me being too comfortable and I need to step out of my comfort zone perhaps? I just feel like by me making the salary I have now, that it’s not enough for HIM given we’re living such a comfortable life right now…. Idk I feel like it’ll still be the same if we were both making the same together. Idk. I feel like he thinks we won’t have the lifestyle we have if HE IS making less than what he has now.
What do y’all think?
tl;dr partner wants me to make more so he doesn’t worry financially and wants to continue the lifestyle we currently have
EDIT: I guess I wasn’t very clear here when talking about splitting the costs… we split on everything BUT the rent, so he’s paying 70% of the rent and I’m paying 30%
12 comments
So is stress is that he’s paying more, even though it was his decision? Why not sit down with him and explain that moving forward, everything is 50/50. And then ask what other things are stressing him, or if there is some larger goal he’s saving towards
Do you guys invest in your futures? You mention you rent. Is there a goal for buying a house? Do you invest in shares? What do you do with the savings you have? Does your husband and ideas or plans for future goals? When he says you’re not making enough, what are the financial targets he’s seeking to hit? Do you guys have a budget you’ve sat down and worked on together?
I think you have a healthy perspective on life and have a right to feel the way you do. But it sounds like you may also have some avoidant traits that may be complicating healthy discussion, and that your husband might too.
When is the last time you got a raise? How long have you been at your current salary? Cost of living has skyrocketed – many of us are thinking about how we can increase our household incomes to keep up/stay ahead, and sounds like your husband is grappling with that. Are you able to negotiate a raise at your job? When’s the last time you tried?
It can be incredibly helpful to sit down and talk about budget and short-term and long-term goals for you as a couple. It doesn’t have to be a hostile discussion. It can be a loving and exciting one. And financial anxiety can be reduced when you both feel on the same page about finances and know where your money is going and for what reasons.
Hope this helps.
Depending on where you live, there’s a lot of middle ground between an entry level sys admin role and SVP. It sounds like he’s not happy with your current arrangement of taking on more domestic duties in exchange for making less money. Could you meet in the middle and at least explore some job opportunities that would pay more?
It’s reasonable for your partner to ask you to contribute 50/50, especially if covering the majority of the bills is causing him so much stress. It would be unfair for you to continue to spend his money, knowing the stress that it causes him, while refusing to take on the stress of a higher-paying job yourself.
I think you basically have two options here. One is to budget your money differently and cut some costs, so that you can chip in 50/50 without changing jobs. The other is to find a higher paying position, either at your current company or somewhere else.
I think he needs to chill out. You guys are already doing amazingly well financially! Your rent is practically nothing, too. You can offer to split things 50/50, but I wouldn’t worry about getting a new job just bc he’s never satisfied. That’s his own personal issue to deal with.
I get the sense that even if you split things 50/50 there would be lingering issues- either resentment that he works all the time & you have an easier time in life or something about you not reaching what he sees as the top of the pyramid. Because on 1500 rent & salaries/split you describe, I can’t imagine the extra 500 a month really makes such a difference in his bottom line.
I think it’s a little nuts on his part tbh. You earn a good living and you’re happy with the role you have – that’s something you should be proud of! I could see it more if you were unhappy in your role or you were in a low paying job.
When he says he wants to “take a step back” what does that mean to him? Taking a year off? Finding a job more like yours?
At the end of the day I wouldn’t change my job to suit him at this stage in your relationship. I would change the financial split however because that may ease his burden slightly and it might make you feel more confident in making your own choices without thinking that he’s sponsoring them.
As a web ops you sound underpaid tbh. I make more in marketing but I also live near DC
You’ve had some great advice but I wanted to suggest that perhaps you need to see a financial advisor.
It seems to me that he’s stressing about being financially able to meet certain goals. What goals they are and how to reach them is something you need to talk about. Perhaps revisit some of the key relationship discussions such as marriage, house, kids, retirement etc. Talk about not just what they are but the timeline for when he and you want them.
See what you uncover from that conversation. For example, he seems to want to retire relatively early. You seem to be willing to work longer to enjoy a better work/life balance in the present. Is this a problem? How do you manage this difference etc.? What about children if you want them? How do you deal with and balance childcare and careers?
In answering the ‘how’, perhaps a financial planner could be invaluable.
They can help you work out what life will be like financially in 5, 10, 15 etc. years, both together and alone. They can highlight any disparities in what you want versus what you can reasonably achieve. They can also help chart you a course forward.
That will probably help reassure him. Seeing things in cold, hard numbers and explained by a professional can give a lot of perspective. Perhaps it might even help him realize his goals are closer than he expects, or that he could take a step back.
It also takes the he said, she said out of the equation.
Keep your job but INSIST on paying 50/50. There is no “he won’t let me” excuse. Etransfer money to him, you don’t need his approval to give him your fair share.
Maybe he’s stressed cause of his job???? Goodness me, he’s dug a big hole for himself, and now hates being in it.
This isn’t about your job, it’s about his. I suggest you put your foot down, possibly come up with a budget for how low of a salary he could live off and propose to him that he job hunt anyway, as his job hunt doesn’t hinge on you being in a new role.
Don’t get rid of a job that fulfills you and does everything for you that a job is **supposed** to do, just cause he’s unhappy in his.
Don’t fall into the trap of spending more money because you have nice incomes and you’re fine! Enjoy your life. Corporate America doesn’t give a shit about either of you ♥️
If you two combined are making over 200K and he’s stressed about finances, there’s either something really wrong with this picture or he’s completely out of touch and lost the plot.