I’m hoping to get an unbiased perspective. My fiancé and I spoke to our own separate group of friends and they seemed to agree with the person they were closest to (surprise!). I will start by giving you some context.
I met my fiancé 1.5 years ago. I was single at the time and wasn’t looking to settle down because I was close to 40 and had not met “the one” yet, which made me believe that she didn’t exist. We met at a friend’s house and the connection was instant. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, extremely smart, funny and I could tell that she had a great heart. She divorced a while ago and has two children. Our love story progressed and I could not have imagined a more perfect person. I fell in love with her children and view them as my own. I had initially wanted to have a biological child but once I got to know and love them that desire completely went away. They have a father that they spend 50% of their time with and he is very involved in their lives and a good father. I proposed to my fiancé after a year of being with her and have never been more certain of anything.
We never spoke about finances until a few weeks ago and it has now become a major pain point in our relationship; to such a great extent that it is being viewed by both parties as a non-negotiable. I have been able to save a sizeable nest egg because I am frugal and I have also been fortunate to have help from my parents with downpayments for real estate purchases. I am extremely close with my brother and he unfortunately is not in good financial situation. He’s heavily indebted and has no assets. On top of that he has two children. My parents have not helped him because of his financial instability. My plan was always to give him 100% of my assets but now that I am getting married I want to give him my real estate which is about 50% of my net worth (including life insurance). Not only because I received our parents’ money and would not been able to purchase it without their help but also because I don’t want him to struggle financially when I pass away. My fiancé has a great job and a nice home but is worried about money and setting her children up.
She does not think my brother should get the real estate and she believes that when you get married to someone you are 100% committed to them in all aspects. She got screwed over financially in her previous marriage where she made more money than him and he ended up with 50% of her assets. I’m not sure how much of this reaction has to do with her past trauma. The ex-husband by the way has an extremely wealth family and he will be inheriting $10+ million, which will ultimately part of the children’s inheritance. Additionally, they will be getting 100% of her assets and a 1/3 of her parent’s assets which should represent at least $1milllion. She argues that if I had a child with her that I would have given the child 100% and that I am not treating the children like my own. I’m pretty sure I would still give my brother money but what she doesn’t seem to understand is that if we did have a child they would only be getting my assets and not those of her ex-husband.
This may ultimately destroy our relationship. I have no idea how to resolve this and whether her ask is reasonable.
12 comments
> My fiancé has a great job and a nice home but is worried about money and setting her children up.
This point is sticking out to me. She wants you to allocate all of your assets if you were to pass to her and her kids. Her kids who have a father with plenty of assets and a mother who, per your description, is already working to ensure they’re set up in the future should something happen.
> She argues that if I had a child with her that I would have given the child 100% and that I am not treating the children like my own.
And that would have been your prerogative for your children. And you’re not treating them as your own **because they’re not**. They have two parents who share them 50/50 and support them.
At the end of the day, it’s your money and how you allocate it after you pass is ultimately up to you. However, the fact she’s wanting all of it for herself and her children is a bit of a red flag and she sounds a little *too* worried about what would happen if you died. This could just be a trauma response from her experiences with her divorce, but that doesn’t mean she gets to push them onto you.
Finances are one of those sticking points, like whether or not to have children, or if one spouse should stay home with kids while the other works. If you don’t have agreement about it, there may not be much you can do. Love is not enough to have a successful marriage.
The way you describes this makes it seem like a hopefully-distant event — your death — is rather immediate, and pressing. That, somehow, the assets you have now should belong to your spouse without regard for any other relationships you have.
I’ll give you a situation in which this was certainly not true. My wife’s mother died in the mid-1990s. My father-in-law remarried some years later, and the woman he married was also widowed with adult children.
Because they each had assets — houses, a boat, vehicles, personal collections, jewelry, etc. — they decided to get a pre-nuptial agreement. The idea was to delineate which assets would be considered shared, and which would belong with the corresponding family.
For instance, the wife’s jewelry was hers, and if she died, then it would go to her children according to her will. My father-in-law’s farm, where he grew up, was his, and if he died first, it would go to his kids. When they decided to buy a condominium together, to have single-level living, it was a joint asset; the survivor could stay there as sole owner in the event one spouse died.
This protected the inheritance for the children and grandchildren for both families. (A good thing, too: One of the wife’s adult children always seemed to think my father-in-law was looking for any opportunity to sell the wife’s personal effects, like jewelry, which wasn’t the case at all. Fortunately, my FIL had a good relationship with the eldest son of his second wife, who lived in the same town and was aware of all the arrangements being made.)
You are not obliged to make all of your assets shared assets in the marriage. But you would be advised to get a pre-nuptial agreement to spell out what things are exempt from joint property, and get it agreed to and signed before you proceed with the marriage. (You both should get wills put together, as well, to spell out such stuff.) Your plans for your assets with your family should not be scrubbed just because you are developing a new relationship. You are perfectly capable of making any income and assets from this point forward joint assets for your new family.
If your fiancée insists that you share *everything* and to forget your existing plans, it makes her sound more like a gold-digger than someone who respects relationships. If she is unwilling to work with you to figure out a pre-nuptial agreement, I don’t think you should get married.
You are under no obligation to bail out your brother. Why should your brother get your real estate? He has no doubt had the same chances for advancement in life as you. If you have made him this offer it was a very poor decision. When you accept a wife and family, your focus in life becomes them, not your brother. There is no guarantee that your fianc’e’s children will get anything from their father. In any event you are under no obligation to them either unless you adopt them. Their inheritance will come through your wife and their father. I’m siding with your fianc’e on this.
I honestly don’t really understand how anyone could be on your wife’s side here. Like, is this how her and her friends would describe the situation? Because your solutation here sounds amazingly reasonable.
>She argues that if I had a child with her that I would have given the child 100% and that I am not treating the children like my own.
You didn’t say how old they were, but your wife’s children already have a father. That father is not you. That doesn’t mean you can’t have an incredible relationship with them, but they already have a dad. So yeah, your job is *not* to treat them like your own kids. Your job is to treat them like step kids you love.
Getting married doesn’t mean you forgo all previous familiar obligations entirely, either.
I also think that when you get married later in life, finances look different than they would if you had married young. In situations where you are controlling a large family estate or have grown a substantial nest egg before getting married, it’s totally reasonable to allocate that differently than if you had earned everything during your marriage.
I’d honestly encourage you to see a pre-marital counselor on this if it’s really so unresolvable. I don’t know what else you could do that would be more reasonable.
You’re not their father. That doesn’t mean you can’t love them like your children, but they’re not your children and never will be. The people who have a say in their life are their parents, not you. The people with financial responsibility for them are their parents, not you.
My mom has been with my stepdad since I was 12 and my sibling was 6. He’s never helped out with us financially in any meaningful way. What he has helped with is freeing up some of my mom’s money to have more for us. Like he helps with the mortgage and buying food and what not, just normal relationship stuff. When he dies I don’t expect to get anything, but similarly when my mom dies all her stuff goes to me and my sibling. I know any asset they had after marriage is going to us and any before I don’t honestly know. He could surprise me but I feel like it will go to his siblings. So their house in Oregon they bought 5 years ago is mine and his house in Nevada he bought 30 years ago will go to other family members.
But yeah I would look at it as premarital assets and post marital assets, just like if you get divorced in 5 years she and her kids aren’t entitled to your assets from before your marriage. So tell her your brother gets all your premarital assets and she will get all of your marital assets.
Also you might want to look into a prenup and/or a living trust to separate out whatever you want to give
Like others have mentioned, I think your fiance is in the wrong here. I have 2 children- one with my husband and one from a prior relationship. My husband and daughter will get a large inheritance when my father in law dies. (it’s around a couple million just for the life insurance which will be split between my husband and his sister, in addition to savings accounts, assets, etc.). Some of this will also go to our shared child. It has never once crossed my mind that any of that money should go to my child from a previous relationship (or even to me) And my child is on the younger side and has known my husband for years. It’s your money. You do what you want with it. Especially considering that you’re both older. I’m assuming the accumulation of this money had nothing to do with her so honestly, she really (in my opinion) doesn’t get a huge say in what you do with it
It’s not your responsibility or obligation to give her child anything.
Since you did not sign a pre-nup, you pledged “all your worldly possessions” to your wife.
**Let me know if I understand:** The plan is to give the pre-marital assets to your brother in the event he outlives you, and then over the next 20-30 years that you work you will grow marital assets that will be 100% hers if she outlives you.
I don’t think it’s terrible. If you (or even she) was younger, and esp if you were going to grow a family, I’d disagree with you, but you’re middle aged, not having kids of your own, yada yada yada.
**Considering her feelings:** How do you feel about starting to put $500 a month into a 529 for her children? Or how about starting to build joint assets?
**Will This End Your Marriage?:** If she cannot reconcile that she’ll get all your money during the marriage (because you’ll be investing with her, traveling with her, etc.) and wants your assets attained beforehand, too, then you should make a final decision.
In that final decision, see a lawyer and state that your brother (or his heirs) will receive either that specific real estate or 50% of your total non-joint assets, whichever is greater. That way you can sell the property without worrying it leaves your brother out because you can put it into a fund or CDs or whatever.
What do you think?
It’s not like you’re young kids just starting out. When you get married later in life and have already accumulated assets, prenups are pretty common. You should be able to apportion your current assets as you like (brother and whatever), but anything you accumulate after getting married should all go to your wife if you were to pass away.
Go to pre-marital counseling and try to resolve it. If you can’t resolve it, I would not get married. Money will eat a relationship alive.
As someone who had an ex that destroyed her financially, I can possibly understand her point of view. In my mind it’s not necessarily that she wants the real estate for herself or her children or that it’s about any particular amount. It could be bigger than that and about his attitude towards money and where it should go. The fact that he feels somehow obligated to do this for his brother, it would scare me how far he would go in the future in giving money to family should they “need” it even if a financial crisis were going on in the family he married into. It would just make me question his priorities when it comes to finances. If his brother’s a priority to him that’s fine, but I can see her wondering how far that’s going to go and if it would extend to other family. And if she’s been with someone who had their financial priorities with her and the kids way too low, I can see her wanting that to be a critical area of compatibility for future marriages. I think the financial trauma could explain a lot of her point of view.
You really shouldn’t ignore glaring red flags. You got engaged incredibly quickly, and sometimes when things seem to good to be true, it’s because it is.