My husband (30m) banned friends of the opposite sex within our relationship. I (27f) had a few good guy friends who have only ever been friends, nothing more. But I have recently found out that he has remained friends on Facebook with multiple girls that he slept with. At the very start of our relationship, I deleted everyone that I had dated or had a past with. I feel betrayed, disappointed and hurt. I feel like he is being u fair, hypocritical and controlling? Thoughts?
29 comments
Red flag to have those boundaries. Even worse he won’t meet his own standards.
First red flag is him dictating that you can not have male friends at all.
This can be a very slippery slope where he starts to control who can be your friend and isolate you from anyone who he does not like.
Second red flag is that he is obviously holding up a double standard where he is allowed what you are forbidden
I would put an hard stop to this bullshit before he gets even more controlling
Oh boy. Your husband ‘doesn’t allow’ ???
You should be able to have male friends, female friends, whatever. Your partner should never tell you you’re not allowed. Only exception is if you guys run into a situation where that friend is a problematic ex or something and even then… It’s not unheard of to stay friends with an ex
And is one of the friend the 17y/o with whom he had sex when he was 26?
It seems you have many problems in your marriege like control, hypocrysis, secrets, lies, maybe cheating (why else keep the girls “warm” with who you had sex?)… Do you really know this man?
Your feelings are accurate. Moreover, he created his “rule” for you, because he’s projecting his thoughts and behaviors on to you. He’s keeping these people in his life for a reason. A reason that he thinks is unacceptable for YOU. What do you think that means?
Your husband is a shitty hypocrite. The reason he doesn’t want you to have guy friends is because he doesn’t want you to behave the way he does. It’s called projection. There’s nothing wrong with having agreed-upon boundaries in a relationship. However, rules for thee but not for me. No fucking way.
Big red flag , he’s manipulating you
The good old: rules for thee, but not for me…
Personally, I think this is a great “boundary” for a relationship. The crowd will of course try to convince you he’s being controlling or insecure. It’s 2023 so any relationship related rule is considered controlling. However, your husband is violating the boundary you both agreed to. What’s fair is fair. He needs to be confronted.
He’s saying YOU can’t have male friends because he knows what he does/has done with his female “friends”
So this is what I get out of this entire post/comments
1. He is a groomer (slept with a 17 year old when he was 26 year old)
2. He controlled who you can and cannot be friends with
Hypocrisy is the least of your worries. You are not stuck (I think you mentioned that in the comments). Marriage doesn’t mean the end and you can’t get out of it. You can file for divorce – it maybe a lengthy/costly process, but you can do it. And if you can’t, you can separate until your have the funds for it. That is unless you want to be with someone who grooms minors and isolates you.
I don’t understand all this~ delete your ex, forget you had a life before me, if you touched each other’s sex organs ever, you must cut contact with that person. It doesn’t make sense. We share parts of our lives with different people, they help create who we are… if the end wasn’t running for your life why can’t we even be Facebook friends with them? OP you are an ADULT. What gives this man the right to BAN anyone from your life, history or social media?
The reason he set that kind of boundary is because he himself is shady, so he expects you to be shady too.
You’re with him because…?
First, it’s a big concern that he’s asking you to give up male friends. But, for hom yo keep people he has a sexual history with? It would be a very interesting dinner discussion in my house.
Good luck, and don’t let him deflect or say he forgot to delete them.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
Go about your business and if he ever objects to a male aquaintance, tell him that since he chose to remain friends with [name, name, and name], you have decided that the rule doesn’t apply to you either. He can deal with it, same as you have.
You’re feelings are valid. He created a boundary that both of you agreed to and then he failed to follow it.
It is unfair and deceitful. I would be suspicious of his activity and faithfulness if I were in your shoes.
Leave.
Next time a possible romantic partner tries to separate you from friends, you’ll know not to go on another date with him.
Get back in touch with them.
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
Your second to last sentence is 100% accurate.
Well since he set the rule and is ignoring it he clearly is planning on keeping his back ups for when you dump his cheating ass. Tell him you want transparency and reciprocation or else he can take a long walk off a short divorce papers.
This is not normal behavior.
Did not bells go off when he expected to give up all your male friends?
Of course…
Ew gross. Those boundaries are ridiculous first of all, but the fact he won’t stick to them himself shows that he’s only interested in controlling you. Throw the whole man away.
You should be mad at yourself for allow him to “ban” your friends.
Your husband doesn’t get to make rules.
Just decline to follow the rule and get on with your life.
Why did you even let him set that rule when he said it you were supposed to tell him I don’t think so. What did you tell him when you found out that he remained friends with women that he had slept with sounds to me like he’s keeping his options open