My 32M and 32F. We’ve been dating 5 months, she doesn’t tell me when something bothers her, things seem normal and then she just lets its all out when I least expect it. This has happened twice now and I’m not sure how to handle this.
First time, was in our 3rd month of dating. We were joking around having breakfast and she grabbed my belly fat and said look at this tire! So of course I joked back and poked her stomach. The rest of the day seemed completely normal, we continued to joke around, then that night she just walks into the bedroom and angrily said I fat shamed her and asked me if I go around making people feel bad about themselves. I was taken off guard but talked through this with her, she said she didn’t know why that came up that way. So I figured its a one off and would be careful to stay away from anything related to her body. Since then she’s made a few more jokes about my body and I’ve just changed the topic
Second time, happened this week. She’s been distant all week, she told me she was busy with work and tired from gym. I thought something was off, so yesterday I surprised her by bringing over her favorite dessert and some flowers. That seemed to brighten her mood and she started texting regularly again. Tonight were joking over text, lots of “lol'” and emoji’s. Then all of a sudden she said she doesn’t like the conditions i put on her and wants to talk about it. I was confused because I don’t recall talking about conditions. I offered to call her and talk on the phone, she said no – shes tired and wants to sleep. She said the dessert i gave her yesterday had caffeine in it and she couldn’t sleep so she’s sleeping early tonight. I told her I was confused by our interaction, the joking into sudden seriousness then she wants to sleep without giving any opportunity to talk about it. Her response was that we’ll talk at dinner tomorrow.
I’m genuinely confused. We’re meeting tonight and I don’ t know what to say about this. I understand some people need time to process but I’m starting to feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
25 comments
She sounds quite manipulative. If this is her typical behavior and you’re only 5 months in, I’d not expect this to improve.
I’m guessing if you confront her about it, she’ll call you abusive or say that you’re manipulative. This one seems like trouble.
Edit: it’s unfair of me too assume so much about her, but you need to have a real grown up conversation with her. Be blunt and honest with her. See where things go from there.
This sounds tiresome but I would try to have an honest and understanding conversation with her about it. Not just about “waiting until things are at their breaking point” but also about her hypocrisy (why can she make fun of your belly fat but isn’t able to make fun of hers). I would try to approach the conversation from a vulnerable place because, based on what you wrote, I think there’s a chance it can be blown up (similar to what the other poster said, if you “confront” her it’ll only be an argument. Try to approach it more about how it makes you feel and be kind when you say it)
At that point listen to what she says and have a dialogue. Ultimately, at the end of the convo you’ll either have greater understanding of each other or learn that you’re incompatible and should move on
I wouldn’t meet her, just send her the “goodbye ..goodluck” and move on, she won’t say anything important, it will be noise and waffle and a waste of earwax formation.
I don’t know an answer for you for why she’s mad currently, that’s something you’ll have to wait for I guess. Maybe if you let us know what was said immediately prior to it turning serious, we might to be able to provide some insight.
I do think it’s odd she’s blaming you for the dessert having caffeine and keeping her up. It’s her favorite dessert, so she knows it has caffeine – why can she not take responsibility for her actions and idk eat it in the morning if she knows it’s going to effect her sleep. Sounds like she turned a sweet gesture into a negative thing.
Sounds like your best bet is during the conversation is to reassure her it’s okay to talk to you when things are wrong and that you want to solve any issues that come up in your relationship together.
This woman is toxic… to grab your belly fat and not have the awareness that she also body shamed you shows how immature and selfish she is. proceed with caution. she’s finding reasons to attack you and take out her shit feelings on you when likely they aren’t even related, she’s just labile
She sounds like a horrible communicator with narcissistic tendencies.
I’d wish her the best and move on.
This relationship is doomed man.
So, to recap, she is totally fine saying you have a spare tire, but you joking in a similar way is fat shaming.
Then you do something nice for her, and then she brings up something totally unrelated.
At best, you have a grown woman with 0 communication skills (and it sounds like bad people skills), at worst, she is a manipulator. Is either option something you want to deal with in a long term relationship?
Just from an internet stranger’s perspective, this is kind of manipulative and her feelings seem to be jumping all over the place. It’s really rude of her to make jokes about your body and then get so upset about you making a harmless joking gesture in kind. Maybe she is wildly insecure and those feelings are messing with her. Either way… This is not a good vibe. She needs to be better at communicating her feelings and actually be vulnerable with you.
JesusChristSupers1ar’s advice on how to approach this is really good. If she can’t be vulnerable, then take the first step and tell her how all of this makes you feel. Avoid starting sentences with “you” and instead start with “I”. It could still blow up, but it’s important that you stand up for yourself and don’t put up with behaviour that’s clearly making you feel bad.
I think people take conflict resolution for granted. I’ve always felt it’s a skill developed via experience, and to that end, practice improves communication and makes conflict easier to navigate.
I view identifying issues and problems early on with the analogy of hitting a right or left turn signal while driving. You’re signaling in advance and indicating helpful information to the people around you.
You two could create a code word? That’d be a cute, non-threatening way to let the other person know that something is bothering you. Is it juvenile? Sure, but who cares? It’s hard to get better at this sort of communication without building experience.
You want to encourage talking about problems. That goes in both directions. If it’s unnatural for you, then make it something you purposefully work at improving on the communication front and the self awareness front.
90% of a relationship, to me, is sorting out how to make this type of shit work for both of you
She’s being manipulative. On top of that she comments on your body despite her admission that comments like that make people feel bad about themselves. The rapid changes in tone of the conversation for no apparent reason. There are just a multitude of red flags in this short post. I’m going to guess that if you spend a bit of time thinking about it you can come up with a long list of examples of this same behavior. It’s probably a good idea to just disentangle yourself from this girl as quickly as possible.
When you feel like your walking on eggshells this early, it’s time to bounce. Also, someone who doesn’t have any self-awareness not to offend someone about their physical appearance yet take offense at a joke being reciprocated is lame. Sometimes it’s a matter of applying the golden rule and if someone is not capable of doing that, then the relationship will probably not be great.
I don’t even know her and I’m exhausted from her antics
I definitely agree with others who have stated she is toxic and a bad communicator. I am going a slightly different angle, and I sense someone who is cripplingly insecure. Of course none of us actually know.
The sudden switching of moods, is often something people experience when talking to someone who has traits of a personality disorder. Things seem great and then suddenly you’re fighting and there was no clear line from point A to point B. What really raises red flags, the term “walking on eggshells”.
There are many ways to handle this, and the good news is, it’s up to you. If this is not a few off instances of extreme insecurity (and I’m not saying it’s okay if it is), it may be something you can convince them to work through. However, no matter what is causing this unacceptable behavior, you unfortunately cannot fix it for them. Nor is that really your job.
As others have wisely stated, I’d be cautious if nothing else. I was married to a person who was clinically diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. I will never fully recover from what he put me through. The beginning of our relationship was very much so good with little strange “one offs”.
>We were joking around having breakfast and she grabbed my belly fat and said look at this tire!
And that’s not body shaming by her own definition how exactly? She sounds awful, and you’re in for a lot of heartache if you stick around.
Abandon ship!
oh god, i use to be this girl, sooo moody, “walking on eggshells” is a comment i remember lol. mine was due to having zero communication skills and the inability to be honest and vulnerable.
it’s not you if that’s what you are worried about. it’s a really good tactic to get someone to give you attention and “show they care”, so try not to play into that.
In college, I had a similar interaction where I thought a partner was calling me fat. It didn’t start with me poking fun at him, as far as I can remember. Either way, I was really insecure and a bad communicator at the time. It bothers me how I reacted to him back then (like 18 years ago) as I have grown in confidence and relationship skills since then.
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She’s in her 30s. She’s drawing this out while you’re doing kind things to put you on edge. How immature. It sounds exhausting. Don’t put yourself through that. You deserve much better.
My ex wasn’t exactly like this, but very similar: he would mention things in passing that bothered him, and then bring it up when I’m trying to tell him something he’s doing that bothered me. Example:
Me: hey this thing you did bothers me, could you not do that again?
Him: sure, but I have to say you also do this other thing that bothers me and you should stop doing that
I felt like he would only bring things up as a “counterattack” almost, and imo it’s deflection. It also made me feel like he wasn’t going to ever address his issues with my behaviors unless I had issues with him. It’s like he’s saving it as ammo to use at a later argument. He broke up with me at the 4.5 months mark over it when I called him out on it.
You don’t want a partner who can’t be emotionally mature or emotionally intelligent enough to have a conversation about things like this. You’ll eventually feel like you’re walking on eggshells around her. Plus she fatshamed you multiple times? Fuck that.
My ex bf had exactly the same kind ho behaviour. He would catch me very off guard with random, angry stuff, related to something minimal I had already forgotten.
I think that when people behave in this way it means that they are lacking emotional maturity and insight: they don’t know how to handle their emotions, basically, and they cannot handle communicating them in an healthy way.
Or, worst case scenario, you are dealing with someone that is trying to manipulate you, either consciously or not.
I was going to say that it sounds like you two have different communication styles, and it really can make long term relationships difficult because it adds stress (such that you are experiencing)
… but after re-reading your post, it kindof sounds like she is just mean and inconsiderate. At 30+, she has to know that “we’ll talk about this tomorrow” does nothing but cause the other person to stress out all day, and that stress can seriously damage your health. Also, being angry over fat shaming that she started and continues to do?
Either she is being malicious, or she isn’t mature enough for adult relationships
There is nothing for you to handle here. She is responsible for her own communication skills.
I don’t know her and obviously all I know of the situation is what you wrote here, but I have a feeling that if you keep up with this person it’s going to get more and more toxic. The fact that she jokes about your body but gets angry by you doing the same shows a lack of self-awareness. She’s immature in the way that she approaches conflict.
But gets me the most is: *She used your nice gesture as a weapon against you* when you were trying to push for answers from her. The second it got uncomfortable for her, she tried to make you feel bad by mentioning the caffeine in the dessert. I’m not one to yell “red flag!” at every little thing but OP, THIS IS A RED FLAG!!! Your partner shouldn’t be *deliberately* trying to hurt you. While I’ve never had a romantic partner like this, I have had a friend like this and I regret not walking away sooner. Be better than me.
My advice? Don’t meet up with her. Don’t talk to her. She’s going to try and manipulate you. Send her a text that you don’t think it’s working out and then block her on everything.
Yes, you *are* walking on eggshells. Instead of talking about it when it happens, some people store all their grievances up in a backpack and then dump them out when it gets “too much”. These are the people who will remember grudges for years and arguments will have stuff come out of nowhere – like a sniper. Maybe *this woman* is different, but based on my experience, nope. And I won’t go through it again.
I’m sorry that this is happening to you.
>First time, was in our 3rd month of dating. We were joking around having breakfast and she grabbed my belly fat and said look at this tire! So of course I joked back and poked her stomach. The rest of the day seemed completely normal, we continued to joke around, then that night she just walks into the bedroom and angrily said I fat shamed her
Rules for me not for thee.
OP, this is classic her able to make a joke, but you are a horrible person to make a joke back. It is emotionally childish, and it is being a bully. She is allowed to make jokes about your body but you cannot in return? She continued to make jokes about your body afterwards. Does not sound healthy.
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>I thought something was off, so yesterday I surprised her by bringing over her favorite dessert and some flowers. That seemed to brighten her mood and she started texting regularly again. Tonight were joking over text, lots of “lol'” and emoji’s.
I may be looking at this through a microscope (look at my post history). It seems like she has low emotional maturity and needs others to help manager her mood. It is like “what can you do for her” to help lift or regulate her mood. You feeling something was “off” is hint this person needs caretaking versus a romantic partner.
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>I’m genuinely confused. We’re meeting tonight and I don’ t know what to say about this. I understand some people need time to process but I’m starting to feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
I guarantee you were not the first to have this feeling. You need to be firm with her that these major shift in emotions are not something you are experienced in or may handle.
Lastly, you did **NOTHING WRONG, OP**. Your intentions came from a good **Heart.** If, I am saying IF, she is a person that thrive off conflict, this is her normal way of communicating to have control of the relationship’s communication. It is what you can do for her, and your self-esteem goes all down hill from there
She’s manipulating you buddy, textbook hot and cold technique. Run as fast as you can 🏃🏻