I’ve( 23F) been in a relationship with this wonderful boy (23M) for 3yrs now. I love him, he loves me. The problem(I think?) is exactly the title. I’ve noticed the comments he makes on kids, or people with kids. He told me he wants some and I’ve always told him that I don’t think I do.
He’d make comments about kids and I’ve always been blunt abt it. The thing is, even though he knows my stand on this, I feel like I’m being an asshole. Actually I’m afraid I’m being egotistical, feels like I’m holding him all for myself when I know this will be a huge dividing point in the near future. What do I do? Is it too soon to have the kids talk? Should I just enjoy the relationship and see where it goes? Both options make me feel uncomfortable.
Imo, having the talk now seems too soon. But just going on with the relationship feels shallow on my part.. if he wants kids he should be out there lookin for the girl who’ll want to give them to him, as building a relationship with someone you trust enough to have kids with takes a long time, but that thought alone sends shivers down my spine,I don’t want to lose him. I need your help.
TL;DR: basically the title
7 comments
You’re both adults and in a relationship for 3 years. It is NOT too soon. This is a make it or break it thing. You can’t do kids part time. All or nothing so you need to be on the same page. Or you’re wasting each other’s time.
How does this only come up now? Three years! You’re adults! He is not a “boy”, either. If you are not on the same page regarding children, this needs to be out in the open.
When he broaches the subject next, tell him you are certain you are happy without kids and don’t want them. This is not an issue to compromise on!
This isn’t just about him; you also deserve to have what you want. And it sounds like this is a serious compatibility issue. Kids are a dealbreaker for a lot of people, and something any couple should agree on if they want a long term, serious thing. *It’s okay* to end a relationship over something that life-changing, and make space for someone you’re more compatible with. It’s very important that you sit him down and say, “Listen, I don’t want to have children. I need to know how important this is to you for your future. I understand if you want to have a life partner who will have children with you, but that isn’t going to be me.” Or something like that. And if he tells you that’s a dealbreaker, do not compromise for his sake. Do not have children you don’t want, it’s a recipe for disaster. There’s a world of options out there, and you can find someone wonderful who also doesn’t want children. (I did.)
“Listen, I think we need to talk about the future. I love you and I’m happy with our relationship. But….I don’t want to have kids. Not ever. I don’t think I am going to change my mind, and I’m concerned that one day down the road this will be a deal breaker for you. I never want you to feel like I have lied or misled you, so I felt like I needed to make myself 100% clear before we invest any more time into this relationship. I’ll respect your decision, no matter what it is.”
I feel like the kids conversation happens within a year. So at three years I don’t think it is by any means too soon. You have told him before you didn’t want kids but the question is did you make him believe you may change your mind? Or that it is up for negotiation? Because then there is false hope that needs to addressed. But if you have stated your honest feelings previously then I feel like he is informed enough to know if he wants stay or leave. Kids can be a dealbreaker and also something I don’t think can be compromised on. Have the kids talk again when it comes back up.
You’re three years past the “kids talk” point.
This is a critical deal-breaker in many relationships, if one person wants kids and the other doesn’t – it will end in a lifetime of disappointment and regret for one of them.
Ultimately, the one that wants kids will need to decide if it’s “worth” staying in the relationship, knowing they will be unfulfilled for the rest of their life.
You didn’t mention what kind of jobs or income you had. Children are expensive and you have no idea what issues you may be dealing with.
Are you finished with your education? Still in college?
Also, would you be getting married before you had children?
Once the child is here would you have family and friends helping you with child care? Or would the child be in daycare from practically day one? How much maternity leave does your job offer?
I would just like to hear more details about the situation. But it does sound like you and him need to get on the same page about a few things, and that tells me y’all not NOT ready to bring a child into this world.