I’ll try to keep it short: I don’t throw around this word a lot, but my dad has been a narcissist my entire life. He’s got every trait of a Vulnerable Narcissist. For example, 2 years ago he did the landscaping for my forest wedding. My husband handmade us a wooden arch for us to get married under. My father threw the biggest tantrum about it, thinking we were trying to “upstage him.” I’m the one who had to apologize to him for hurting his feelings in order for the day to continue. As he gets older, these kinds of things occur more frequently. Growing up, he was verbally abusive, neglectful, and a raging alcoholic.
My oldest brother struggles with addiction and won’t speak to him. My middle brother is also a recovering addict who moved back home with my parents. He got more abuse than any of us from my dad and now he’s just emotionally crippled.
My mom is my rock and she knows well how awful my dad is, but she also stays with him and many times makes excuses for him behavior. She also knows she can’t change or control him. When he yells at her or puts her down, she just laughs. I am not at that place.
In 3 weeks I am going to have my first child and my dad just recently attacked me the day of my baby shower. I went off on him and blocked him. I’ve had to block him many times. Last January he went off on me for some mental health put I put on my Instagram story. He’s constantly accusing me of treating him horribly when I have tried for years to please him by making him gifts, visiting often, and stuffing my true anger out of respect and need for peace. He can’t stop raging me on, especially on important days.
If I shut my dad out, I feel like my mom will suffer and she’s my best friend. She is insisting that I allow my dad to be in my son’s life. I would like that but I’m also afraid of exposing my child to my dad’s abrupt rage.
I have no idea how to proceed and it’s making me depressed.
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TLDR: My dad is a covert narcissist who rages when he feels insecure and i don’t want him around my baby once he is born, but I don’t want to hurt my mom or complicate things for her.
14 comments
You need to go no contact with your father. Oh, and your mom is just his enabler. Either she accepts that you want no contact with your father, or she also gets cut off. That might sound harsh, but drawing strong boundaries means following through.
Do what is best for your child. If that means cutting your dad out, then do that. If your relationship with your mother suffers because of this, that’s a price you have to be willing to pay. She has played the role of enabler for your dad with you and your siblings, and now she’s trying to do it with another generation. I would not let that happen.
>I would like that but I’m also afraid of exposing my child to my dad’s abrupt rage.
**Why** would you like that? Why do you want your child exposed to “rage”? What I think you mean is one/both of a) you’d like your child to have a normal loving grandfather, and b) you don’t want to deal with having to tell your mom you don’t want to be around him.
Really, really bluntly, you need to pick what’s more important to you – your feelings, your child’s feelings, your dad’s feelings or your mom’s feelings. Can’t keep everyone happy. You just can’t. That’s not an option. “Normal” isn’t an option. But you can prioritise yourself and your child. Your dad has made his own bed, and to be honest, so has your mom, by tolerating this behaviour or by expecting you to do so.
I do get that it’s easier said than done. But your dad isn’t going to change. If your mom expects you/your child to suffer his tantrums for *her* sake, then she’s hardly doing the right thing either. “Make yourself and your family unhappy because it’s harder for me if you don’t”, is an appalling attitude. Again bluntly, your mother hasn’t been an ideal parent by allowing you, her child, to be constantly exposed to this behaviour. Are you going to mirror that and continue the cycle by exposing *your* child to it? Or are you going to draw a line in the sand and protect your child? Whose feelings are more important, your innocent child, yours, or your parents’, who both clearly have serious issues? Think very, **very** hard about your answer. Because there’s no magical approach where everyone’s happy.
You have seen how your dad has damaged all of you in his cycle of behaviour. Do you want your child to become another victim of these cycles?
My dad was an addict and my mum was a narc so neither were example parents. I remember the moment i my son for the first time and something in me flipped. I had been NC for a while at this point, but my son made my resolve to maintain NC 100x stronger.
No child should become the victim of their parents’ choices, including addiction. The emotional scars run deep and are permanent even with therapy.
Your mum has allowed you and your siblings to be mentally broken down by the man she chooses day in and day out over protecting her children. She is not as innocent as you may believe. She is infact a bigger risk to your child than your dad. She will find a way to manipulate you into backing down in any decision you make regarding your child and your dad.
This is time to decide if you want to break the cycle. Maybe consider a therapist to help guide you through the turmoil that going NC can bring. Also, look for SMART recovery. They do a fantastic family support programme that will help you deal with your dads addiction, boundaries, and the sub conscious behaviours you have adopted.
> I feel like my mom will suffer and she’s my best friend
Your mom is saying that to be in her life you have to expose yourself, husband *and child* to your dads bullying and rages. She is saying that abuse is the price of a relationship with her. She is not your friend.
Your mom has learnt how to keep the marriage going with her husband. It’s clear that she is not able to stand up against him.I understand where she is coming from and I’m glad you see that too
You can keep your dad on a very very low contact with your baby. Make excuses.The baby is sick, crying , you’ll find million excuses but do keep your mom
You’re going to have to accept that your mom is an enabler.
She could have left him a long time ago. She chose not to.
Hey op, other people have already made all the most cogent points so read their posts and take it in.
What I wanted to share with you is that I have been in the exact situation you’re in with the opposite parents. The fact is at the end of the day, my dad realized that his relationship with me can be totally separate from my (non existent) relationship with my mom. He understands and respects that just because he chooses to be exposed to her toxicity, doesn’t mean I have to. So there is hope that you and your mom can come to the same place. I wish you the best in navigating these tumultuous relationships and hope your pregnancy and delivery will not be too fraught with stress because of the circumstances.
Congratulations on your little one.
If I shut my dad out, I feel like my mom will suffer and she’s my best friend. She is insisting that I allow my dad to be in my son’s life. I would like that but I’m also afraid of exposing my child to my dad’s abrupt rage.
Your mum is being foolish
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I come from a similar situation. My mom left my dad a few years ago, but before that they were a packaged deal and I love my mom. The way I handled it was by telling mom that my relationship to her and him was different and separate. In the same way her relationship to me is different from her relationship to dad, a friend, or anyone else.
Stayed close to my mom and cut him out of my life. She’s left him since then and we are still close.. You have to do right by you and your kid
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I come from a similar situation. My mom left my dad a few years ago, but before that they were a packaged deal and I love my mom. The way I handled it was by telling mom that my relationship to her and him was different and separate. In the same way her relationship to me is different from her relationship to dad, a friend, or anyone else.
Stayed close to my mom and cut him out of my life. She’s left him since then and we are still close.. You have to do right by you and your kid
As another person who grew up with a narcissistic parent, the only solution will be to go no contact with both your dad and mom. Your dad will continue the cycle of abuse on your child and again your mom will just stand by and do nothing. It’ll seem fine at first but once your child starts talking and developing a self (around age 5ish) your dad will abuse them the same way they abused you. Unfortunately your mom seems like a friend but is standing by and accepting that you get abused so that she’s not the punching bag. She let her children be the punching bag and will also allow your child to become the punching bag for your dads abuse.
You can go no contact without giving them a reason, block them (social media, phone and even email) they will try to reel you back in but if you’re prepared you can keep them at bay. I’ve been no contact now for about 2 years and let me tell you it’s the best feeling in the world to not have to feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time. If you want any advice on how to go no contact feel free to message me or head over to r/raisedbynarcissists. It’s going to be hard but so worth it.
>f I shut my dad out, I feel like my mom will suffer and she’s my best friend.
That’s her battle to fight. She didn’t fight for you were you were a child, I’m not sure why you are obligated to fight her battles for her when she is an adult.
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> She is insisting that I allow my dad to be in my son’s life.
Your mother let your father terrorize you, now she wants to let him to terrorize his grandkids? Nah, hard pass.
I’ve dealt with what you’re going through. I’m sorry to tell you this but the only way to escape is to move far far away. And even then you might get a few awful phone calls that would ruin some days. But your relationship overall with them would be better, limited, controlled. and your suffering would be limited to the days you allow them to speak to you on the phone for more than 5 minutes a day.