My friends dad just died. How can I help him?

18 comments

1. Just mention that if he needs you, youre there for him. Dont be overbearing but assure him that if he needs you that he can come to you anytime. People grieve in different ways so he might just want space.

2. Acknowledge it, offer support if they want. Check in at appropriate intervals depending on how well you know them. It take a long time to process grief so bear in mind over the next 12 months that they might respond differently. If you have common friends, tell them and make sure they acknowledge it too. Not acknowledging it will become a sore point eventually – I learnt this.

3. Just be there, don’t sit on his shoulder but let him know you are there if and when he needs you

4. Making yourself actively available would probably be helpful. I don’t just mean a vague ‘call me if you need me’, because a lot of the time people won’t do that. Instead try to make plans, pop over now and again, and chat by phone or message. There’s a point where that becomes overbearing, of course, but I’m sure you know what’s normal for the two of you.

   The other main thing is not to expect him to greive in a certain way. Grief manifests in a lot of ways, so just take your friend as you find him.

5. My Dad died after a swift decline last November. The thing I notice today is that I think of him all the time, and it’s left a huge hole in my life, but I don’t feel like it’s fair to keep talking about him to my partner, friends etc. So it would be really thoughtful of you to invite your friend to talk about his dad from time to time in the future, we’ll beyond when you’d think the dust has settled. I’m sure he’d appreciate that.

6. Set a reminder in your phone for a month after he died, and a recurring annual one. Make sure you get in touch before and on those days. Lots of people could be around to support him now, but when the anniversaries come round it can be really difficult as people have moved on to an extent. Also make a note of the birthday, same thing applies.

7. My mum died a year and a half or so ago, not entirely unexpectedly due to an illness but also very shocking (and at a relatively early age).

   What your friend needs and how they feel will be affected by all sorts of things – how close they were to their dad, if they are close to any remaining family, how close you are to them as a friend. You know your friend best and you are going to have to play this by ear a bit. They may not want to show emotion in front of you, or they may need a shoulder to cry on.

   Let him know you are there for him if he needs you. Let him decide what he may or may not want to join in with. Do invite him for social things, perhaps to do something just with you such as a walk, or a walk with a pub at the end. Something where he can talk if he wants to. Something where he can hang a few steps back if he needs to.

   What I wasn’t expecting was how this would affect me longer term. There is so much to do in the first few weeks after a death that I was able to power on through supporting my dad. But now a year and a half later I am beginning to realise that this experience has had a significant impact on my mental health and how I view life.

   I struggle with being motivated to do things socially. Just because I am not getting in touch with people and making plans doesn’t mean I don’t want to keep in touch with my friends. You may need to be the one making plans, organising things, and keeping up contact.

8. Offer him a shovel and an alibi I guess

9. Food. Take him food. Make him food.

   One of the best things you can do for a grieving person.

10. August last year I lost my mum suddenly, my last remaining parent.

    She’d been at my brothers for the weekend and came home Sunday at around midday. She was fine, happy, telling me all about her weekend.
    Around 3pm she mentioned she had a stomach ache.
    Around 7pm she was screaming in pain.
    Around 10pm she was in the ambulance going to hospital on blue lights.
    She died 9pm the following day. A ruptured bowel, leading to peritonitis.

    In some ways it was good that she went quickly with no lingering illness. She missed my dad terribly and was struggling with loneliness since covid sent the world to shit.
    In other ways, it was (still is) difficult for me to process.

    Trust me when I say I know what your friend is going through.

    Be there for him. Don’t try to force positivity into his life, just reassure him that you’re there if he needs help with anything, or a shoulder to cry on. Keep in touch daily, check how he’s doing.

11. Sit down next to him, put a hand on his shoulder, give it a squeeze

    Hand him a cuppa.

    say nothing.

    he know’s you’re there.

12. Just be there for him, as and when necessary.

    Don’t tell him you know how he feels.

13. If you’ll genuinely be there for him, tell him (everyone says “if you need anything” but most people will not actually act upon it)

    Message him every few days – just something funny or random and then throw in a “Do you need me to get any food for you?” type thing. He’ll probably appreciate you being normal around him and not being on edge incase you upset him or say the wrong thing. Set a reminder for important dates (dad’s birthday, Fatherss Day etc) to send him a message to let him know you’re thinking of him/there if he needs you

    Offer practical support – if he lives alone, you could message him with a “thinking of grabbing a pizza. Want me to drop one in for you too?” (gives him the option to decline, you to offer practical food *and* company *if* he wants you there – don’t be offended if he’d rather be alone though. Check in with the funeral arrangements too (and various money/mortgage/contacting people – “Hey mate, do you want me to ring the bank for you and get his account closed?” type support.

14. My mum suddenly died a month ago.

    The best thing to do, is just be there for him, whether it be with his favourite snack/meal or a funny anecdote, running an errand they may need. Make plans and encourage them to get out, take the lead, don’t be vague.

    Listen to him, encourage him to think about the best times that he had with his dad and check in as much as you can and don’t forget to check in when it all settles down, that is when he will need you the most.

15. Offer to do stuff with him. Take a walk, shot some hoops, a round of golf. Men need to take action this is one of the ways they grieve. Also, be with him for the long run. He will have a lot of people about him over the next couple of weeks but over the next six months he will still feel the pain but most people would have moved on. He shouldn’t feel any pressure to feel or act anyway. It’s going to take him a long time just be next to him.

16. Send a simple 1 word text…. “pint?” And then proceed to meet him in the pub for a few

17. Just go round and sit with him.

    Source: my dad died when I was 18, I had a mate who did this and it was just what I needed

18. When I lost my dad very suddenly I can’t really remember what helped, if anything. But just knowing that people are a call or message away lifted things a little.

    Having plans can help a tad (a walk, visit or whatever)

    Grief is a unique thing though, but you’re a good friend by asking. Best wishes to your friend