I’m in that funky/haven’t fully moved on/still a bit of a rollercoaster stage after my last break up. I’m not sure if it’s still part of the garden variety grief response but I actually get pretty sad every time I think about intimacy and sex and I think it’s because so much of it was associated with my previous relationship.
I initially thought I could try exploring the whole rebound/casual sex route to expedite the process but I’m not really built for casual sex or ONS so I’d appreciate any advice on how I can move past this.
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There is no shortcut. Focus on the things that make you happy (exercising, reading, work, hobbies, friends or partying) and little by little you’ll stop thinking about it as much.
I’m right there with you op. I even had one person straight tell me “you just seem like a relationship guy” mid make out.
What’s worse is my ex and I had a great sex life so it makes the idea of ons or fwb even less appealing bc nothing is gonna come close to years of built up intimacy.
I’ve found getting off the dating apps and doing all the stupid, boring, typical shit people tell you to do post break up (work out, reading) actually helps.
Hey OP, I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. A few years ago, must be 5 or so years now, I got dumped by the love of my life. We had a really good relationship and the sex was amazing. It was so connecting, deep, weird, fun, and we both gave so much to each other. After she left me I was devastated. It was probably 6 months before I could even acknowledge she was gone. For the next 6 months after that I think I was crying every night. Then 6 months after that I started thinking about dating again, or at least the possibility of being with another woman someday. I started dating again at that point and it was a shit show. The women I met were so bad in bad, the two one night stand were boring and uncomfortable. The lack of skill and enthusiasm and connection was killing it for me.
Eventually I did meet someone and we’re still together now. We’ve gone through some tough times sexually, it’s hard sometimes to be open and talk about what I need from her, but at least sometimes it’s pretty good.
I don’t know if you’ll ever forget about your ex, probably not. It probably means you’re a sentimental person, or at least you valued this relationship very highly. Maybe you learned a lot or it opened you up to many things. Obviously it was important sexually and that may be something you search for in the next relationship. I don’t know what the right thing is for you, but I know it took me a long time to be OK with seeing other people. A lot of tears and lonely sad nights. My only advice is not to force yourself to go out and have sex with people you aren’t into or feeling up for. It’s ok to just not be ok for awhile
Not what you want to hear but time is the best medicine. I’ve been there. Most of us have. Get your mind occupied on something else. Stay busy. If you need to talk with someone, find a support group or counselor. Separation in some cases can lead to great depression. Just keep your head up. Hope you feel better.
I’m going to say this – everyone told me post-divorce that I had to wait two years. I just really should. Everyone except one person – my therapist. She never told me to do or not do anything. She would simply ask me to connect with what I really wanted and needed.
Over the course of those two years? I had three relationships, none of them right for me in the long run. But I also personally needed them, because I needed to experience connections that helped me understand different things about myself as I healed.
I was never dishonest about where I was with my journey with my partners, in fact, I would overshare. One left me because she realized I wasn’t – in her judgment – ready. The next two were emotionally avoidant game players. Both broke my heart with their games. Those experiences were hard, and left fresh scars.
But as I’d been married for 17 years since 18, with no girlfriends prior to that (religious upbringing that I left during the divorce) something in me intuitively knew I needed to experience relationships as I healed – and I came to understand that I would attract people who were wherever I was at emotionally. In other words? If I’m healing, so are they.
My therapist put it to me this way – a successful relationship isn’t one that lasts. It’s one that serves its purpose and ends before growing toxic.
Sadly, the last two relationships I mentioned did end with toxicity, and they were difficult. But the benefit of them? I am now ready to first and foremost love myself, and am content to be alone.
And as soon as I hit that space? The woman I believe to be the love of my life showed up. I didn’t do apps, I didn’t flirt, nothing on my end initiated the connection – except being willing to go with the flow.
Now, who knows? I could be wrong about the one I’m with now – or worse! Right, and have the love of my life not last. But the space I’m in now, regardless of my relational state, is one of observation and acceptance of whatever is right in front of me.
Right now? What’s in front of me is this phone and this keypad as I finish up a note to broken-hearted stranger on Reddit, so I want to be sure to send you well-wishes and love that is appropriate and healthy for your present.
You are beautiful. You are loved by the universe. You are worthy of that love. And you are enough. ❤️