My 23F boyfriend 24M wants threesomes even after I told him I’m uncomfortable with it

15 comments

1. If he doesn’t respect your opinion and the fact that “no” is reason enough then I’m afraid you may have to give him an ultimatum.

2. Don’t tell him that he’ll “risk” you walking away. Tell him that you want a monogamous relationship, period. Tell him you WILL walk away if he cheats. If he cannot provide that or tries to cheat on you then you two do need to break up.

   He doesn’t respect you rn imo, so he’s probably not going to take your warning seriously and is likely still going to cheat but at least he got a warning.

3. He is not very mature. He thinks with his appendage not his head.

4. The question you have to ask yourself is what would you do if he went ahead and did it anyway.

   He clearly wants to do it and said so.

   You clearly don’t want to do it and don’t want him to do it without you and have said so.

   From there you both need to make your choices.

   You can’t control what he does, you can only choose what you do about what he does.

   There’s nothing wrong with ultimatums. They make the consequences of choices clear.

5. “I’m thinking of telling him that he’ll risk me walking away from us if he tries to go behind my back with this”

   Do this. If you can not count on him respecting your boundaries than you are safer and better off moving on. You deserve someone who both respects you and shares your beliefs

6. If youre completely unwilling to leave him, then Id suggest couples therapy. He clearly doesnt understand how much this hurts you. If he does know… well, then, he doesnt care.

7. “Hints for Relationship, Confused Response”

   

   For context, I’ve known this guy since I was 14. We hooked up a few times in the past, but it never progressed into a relationship. Recently he’s been dropping hints that he might want a relationship with me, but when I told him through text that I was “smitten, but wasn’t trying to pressure him into anything or do anything to make him uncomfortable” he text back “smitten?” And then sent a text about the show we watch together. Since then he hasn’t text me back or been active on any of his social media. Should I be worried?

   It’s difficult to say exactly why he has not responded, but it’s possible he may have been caught off guard by the use of the word “smitten” or he may have simply been busy. It may be helpful to have an open and direct conversation with him to express your feelings and clarify any misunderstandings. If he’s not receptive or responsive, it may be best to respect his boundaries and give him space.

   

   FYI I’m not looking for break-up advice, I’m looking for relationship advice. In the beginning stages of our relationship I told him I’m willling to try new things since I haven’t explored things the way he has in previous relationships. He’s the second person I’ve been with seriously and he’s had more than 2 serious relationships in the past. We reached out to a couple that was willing to try something with us, I set my boundaries and told my boyfriend what I was comfortable with and we were really going to meet up with said couple. I quickly realized I wasn’t comfortable with it and we cut everything off, even though he was annoyed we’d gone so far with it. He let it go for a couple of months but recently he’s been bringing it up a lot. I told him I never want to try it, I’ve realized I’m not comfortable with it at all and I’m very monogamous. He said it’s been one of his intimiate fantasies he wants to fulfill. I told him that’s not happening. More recently, he brought it up again and I said no again. He said he won’t talk about it with me and I asked him if he’ll try to talk to women or a couple about it and he said that he would but he won’t involve me. I’ve made it very clear that I’m uncomfortable with that whether that’s a fantasy of his or not idgaf. I feel disrespected and hurt that he is bringing it up so much like he’s trying to change my mind about it and I’m also fearful he would try to meet up with a some people to fulfill this sexual fantasy behind my back. I’m thinking of telling him that he’ll risk me walking away from us if he tries to go behind my back with this, but I don’t want to have to give an ultimatum for him to respect me. Please help 🙁

   It’s important to have open and honest communication in any relationship, especially when it comes to intimacy and personal boundaries. It sounds like you have clearly communicated your stance on this particular matter and it’s not negotiable for you. It’s not uncommon for couples to have different desires and boundaries in their relationships, but it’s crucial to respect each other’s boundaries.
   You can express to your boyfriend that you feel disrespected and hurt by his persistence in trying to change your mind on this topic, and emphasize that it’s not an option for you. Remind him of your boundaries and how important it is for him to respect them. You can also express your fear of him going behind your back to fulfill this fantasy and how that would damage the trust in your relationship.
   It’s important for him to understand that fulfilling this fantasy, even without involving you, is not an option for the health of your relationship. It’s also important for you to be clear about the consequences if he does go against your boundaries. You should not have to give an ultimatum, but it’s important for him to understand that you are serious about your stance on this issue.
   Ultimately, it’s important for both of you to prioritize each other’s feelings and respect each other’s boundaries in order to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.

8. I would have to side with your boyfriend. It is something that he wants to do and will forever try to do it or to make it happen. After he does it that will be the end of it. Otherwise he will resent you and he will not be truely happy

9. So if he does go behind your back would you still not be looking for ‘break up’ advice?
   You need to think long and hard about that.

10. Break up with him.

    I know you said that you aren’t looking for breakup advice, you are looking for relationship advice. But sometimes, there isn’t any relationship advice. You have told him you don’t want threesomes. You have told him you don’t want monogamy. The issue isn’t that you have been unclear. The issue isn’t that he doesn’t understand.

    The issue is that you both want different things. He wants threesomes and to sow his wild oats. He is willing to push you to get it. He is either going to cheat, break up with you, or wind up resenting you.

11. What he wants to do is what he wants to do

    However how much you put up with is up to you

    It’s a deal-breaker for you so I would be out of there , he won’t mind , you come second to this for him

12. He’s basically telling you that he intends to cheat on you. There is nothing you can do to stop this short of making it clear that this will end your relationship, and then actually following through with it if he crosses that line.

    I know you don’t want to break up but what’s the alternative? Do you imagine there’s some secret magical way to get him to not want this sexual experience more than he values your boundaries? If you don’t want to have to give him an ultimatum to get him to respect you, don’t stay with someone who clearly and repeatedly pushes your limits. Because this is where you end up – having to go nuclear in a desperate hope that this will get him to act the way you want him to rather than the way he actually is. And that’s nearly always a losing battle, because if he really did value you, you would never had gotten to this point.

13. There is literally nothing you can DO BUT break up. He has already told you that he will talk to other women behind your back and he is going to pursue this regardless of your desires.

14. The fact is you’ve mentioned it multiple times and he continues to disregard your wishes. At the end of the day, he needs to decide if his desire to have a 3 sum or intimacies with other couples is worth sacrificing your relationship for. You can’t make him respect your wishes, but eventually he’s gonna realize you’re serious and decide to either shelf the fantasy or date someone who’s more compatible sexually with his desires.

15. OP, just tell him that you’d be happy to have a threesome because you’ve always wanted to see him get pounded by a big bruiser..See how he feels about that.