So a little background me (26M) and my GF (25F) have been dating for just over 6 months and we both come from cultures which don’t really allow sex before marriage. We have both had sexual relationships in the past (I’ve had one sexual partner and her two). At the beginning of our relationship I was going through a very stressful time and experienced issues with performance anxiety. She unfortunately took this very badly and took it as an indicator of me not finding her attractive, which I totally understand as she has struggled with self-image for a long time. However despite my efforts to reassure her this topic led to a lot of arguments and unfortunately she struggled to give me the same sort of reassurance and would get upset and defensive. This led to days and days of rumination on my part and really knocked my confidence in regards to sex to the point I was really put off of wanting to have sex and thus making the issue even worse. Eventually we did end up having sex and I was feeling alot more comfortable and starting to build my confidence again. The sex wasn’t amazing as we were still getting to know each other but it was decent. After having sex around 10 times maybe, around the new year she told me that she thinks we should stop having sex.
This is something that we’ve discussed before as I know having sex makes her feel guilty and she feels bad about it afterwards however it reawakened a lot of feelings of resentment I had towards her due to the way she handled my PE and the pressure she put on me and our relationship beforehand. I do not think I’ve had adequate time to heal properly and to add to this it bothers me that the sex she had with her previous partners was better than the sex we’ve had.
I know that’s coming from a place of insecurity however I know she had better sex with her previous partners and we’ve barely had the chance to build up any sexual chemistry and this thought really bothers me. To add to this we have actually had sex since then as she is really forward with kissing and touching however afterwards I can tell she feels upset and she totally throws the vibe off which makes me resent her even more as she seems to be more eager for sex than I am beforehand. I know I can’t expect sex from her and it is totally her choice whether she wants to or not but I can’t help but feel a type of way about how she’s dealt with this situation and I can’t shake the insecurity I feel about the fact she’s had better sex with previous partners.
So I guess my question is, how do I stop resenting her so much? as I find myself feeling really angry towards her about this, and also how do I get over this insecurity? as I know we probably wont be having sex in future
1 comment
Your feelings are valid. It’s natural to be upset when something like this happens. It sounds like both of you have some complicated sexual hangups and don’t have enough experience to work it out with each other. My question to you is, where do you see this relationship going? Do you want to marry this woman? Would there be sex in marriage? I highly recommend taking a long, hard look at what this relationship is for you and whether or not you want to commit to this. If you do choose to commit, then please find some outside help to cope with the deep-seated insecurity.