36F have been on a couple dates with a guy (35M who I’ll call “Tom”) and things have been going well… except I made a little bit of an error and I’m trying to figure out if I can walk it back.
After date 1 we had great chemistry and Tom said he wanted to see me again, but I was going out of town so we made plans to hang when I got back. While I was gone we texted a lot and one night I got drunk and the texting became sexting. I made it clear over text the next day that I was interested in a relationship and wanted to slow the sex stuff down and Tom said he was totally onboard to do that. I’m not the kind of woman who needs to go on X dates before sex, but I’ve just learned sex can make you overlook red flags in the beginning of dating (at least for me) and I want to be intentional about my dating.
We went out last night for drinks and it was a great date. Tons to talk about, lots of laughs, some great kissing in the bar, talks of future plans, and he asked when he could see me again so we made plans to have another date. We went to his car and made out for a while with some PG13 touching happening but we stopped and said goodnight.
Making plans for our next date, he invited me over to his place. I said I was cool with everything that happened the night before but I preferred us not to go to each other’s places at this stage and really wanted to focus on getting to know one another, so I suggested dinner or an activity. He said dinner was too “formal” at this stage but we could do an activity.
That kinda seemed like a red flag to me, like I’m not worth going to dinner with or something? I made a half joke about that seeming like a player move and he got offended. We are going back and forth about this now, but I’m feeling awkward. He is saying all the right things about wanting a relationship, but in my experience, a lot of guys will say anything to get laid.
Did I take away a relationship option by making things sexual too early and I can’t get out of that now? Or am I overthinking this? I have some past history that may be making me overly sensitive, but I also don’t want to miss any red flags.
28 comments
Honestly if you ruined your chances in any way it was with that player joke – I’m a woman and I would have been offended by that too.
Some people don’t like dinner dates early on. The fact that he was willing to do an activity date and didn’t abandon ship when you shut down going to his house is a good sign. For what it’s worth I did a second date dinner date at my partners house and had sex with him. We’re engaged now. Stick to your boundaries 100% and never go to someone’s house before your comfortable but don’t assume just because a dude invites you over or won’t go to dinner means he is just out for sex.
I think that if he see a real potential with you and he really want a relationship he could go on 10 dates with just kissing… Just got out of a short 2 months thing and sex really blur the overall vison you have of someone. The dinning thing is weird. I went dinning on some first dates wich led to more dates and some didn’t led no where but were still a fun night. No big deal to me talking over some food..
It’s a third date and he hasn’t taken you to dinner yet? He’s a grown ass man, not a teenager. Drop him.
Just because you did something in the past, doesn’t mean you’re locked in to do it again/next time/etc. If someone thinks like that, then they are an issue.
I don’t see any red flags here. Dinner is inherently formal with someone you don’t know very well and it can come across as stiff. It’s a lot more casual to do it at a pub or at someone’s house (which doesn’t mean he’s looking for a casual relationship). He also agreed to the activity option.
I also prefer at home dates for a second date but that doesn’t mean I’m trying to get you naked either.
He knows your boundary, so no need to assume that he doesn’t follow through. And if he doesn’t, then no need to see him further.
[removed]
I don’t think so. Maybe dinner is something he plans later.
I guess you should have held out to see what the activity was..but yeah I don’t think dinner is too formal by the third date.
What? A lot of guys take me to dinner as a first date. The last guy I hung out with even offered to make me dinner on the first date.
What a punk
I went to my last boyfriends house for dinner on our second date and didn’t have sex. Didn’t even go near the bedroom. I spent the night on our next date and still didn’t have sex.
Unless you’re wanting to go to super fancy restaurant, I don’t see what is so formal about a dinner date. It’s a good way to talk and get to know one another. If someone didn’t want to do that with me by date three, I’d be turned off.
[removed]
Maybe he has a strategy like negging your choice so you work harder to connect/prove your worth?
Maybe he doesn’t eat out at restaurants and sees it as really fancy.
Maybe he’s concerned a traditional date is where he finds out he pays for dinner and you ‘play hard to get’. (I know it’s not playing.)
Maybe he really prefers an activity date to take the pressure off, conversationally.
Maybe he could have phrased it differently. I see where you’re coming from and honestly that would’ve felt like a red flag to me too. I prefer activities over dinner dates BUT it’s just the phrase of saying that it’s too formal that would throw me. Stick to your boundaries and trust your gut.
Given your sexting history and what seems like an intense make out session early on, your relationship is leaning towards a physical rather than an emotional connection. I would stick to getting to know the person in a public setting.
I had a similar problem and canceled a 2nd date with a guy and stuck to talking on the phone until I felt like there can be a deeper emotional connection and it worked magic! It helped us focus on the emotional connection and got rid of the initial sexual tension until we were ready for the physical stuff. We ended up talking on the phone for hours and I was comfortable enough to fall asleep while he kept talking during our first week of dating. Highly recommend it! 🙂
Little side bar but dinner dates sound boring. I don’t know what normal dates the average person likes. But dinner movie etc. Sound kind of lame to me. I rather do something like skydiving hiking kayaking etc (something outdoors if possible) Something that takes you out of your element. So if things don’t work out for either person at least you had some fun. Save the dinner dates and movies etc for maybe further along in the relationship.
Think you pretty much blew it here. Got him all riled up for sexy time then hit the brakes. All he is thinking about is the sexting. Lesson learned?
If a man wants a relationship with you he will do whatever it is to make you happy so long as it doesn’t compromise his morals. So you can’t ruin things or relationship with someone who wants to get to know you on that level.
You can definitely ruin things with someone who doesn’t want to get to know you, other than for their own selfish reasons.
Not wanting to go to dinner and calling it too formal for a third date sounds immature. How old are you both?
Anything and everything can be entertaining when you’re with someone you genuinely like and want to make memories with.
I’m a guy, most of my long term relationships got sexual after the 2nd or 3rd date. I think that when both people genuinely want a relationship getting sexual early isn’t going to ruin things.
However, saying you want to wait before getting sexual is a good way to weed out the guys that are just trying to get laid.
I have been on a couple of dates with a guy and he mentioned he should come over to watch my favorite movie since he’d never seen it. I’m trying to move slow so I automatically threw a wall up and told him I wasn’t interested in sleeping with anyone new unless we were both interested in the possibility of a relationship. He was like “oh, I really just wanted to watch a movie.” This is the same guy who asked permission to kiss me on the first date but I wasn’t ready. He asked me on our second date and I was. I really think he’s being honest.
He’s saying what needs to be said to get laid. Just get it over with and see if he hangs around or not.
As a dude I absolutely hate dinner dates. Esp if it it’s early and I feel like I like the girl after the first date. You are stuck 1 on 1 with nothing else, nerves would absolutely get to me and make me highly uncomfortable.
So I get my dinner feels “formal”. Luckily my girlfriend and I didn’t do dinner for the 3rd date. We did an activity and then had food after which felt alot better.
Maybe he just worded it wrong. Maybe just hang out for a bit more and no sex no dinner?
Did you ask him what he meant by dinner at this stage would be too formal?
What other activities might he suggest in view of getting to know each other in light of a relationship? What might be other ways you can conceive of ways for the both of you to connect?
It would have at struck my curiosity but wouldn’t have been a red flag for me. But that doesn’t mean his intentions are pure but I wouldnt be distrustful in the face of that but I’d be smart about it.
Maybe he was trying to suggest something else as opposed to I don’t want to spend money buying you food or spend that much on you or you’re not worth dinner now, youve been relwnquished to Fwb status etc. etc
Its hard to say. I’d gather more info on what he meant and depending forge a path towards that relationship If possible.
Furthermore if you I didn’t agree with his perspective and felt dinner was okay at this stage I’d let him know that. It could be that he is trying to anticipate your needs and checking in, indirectly. Who knows what experience he has had.
With all that being said, don’t stifle your gut feelings, but don’t let hunches ruin your chances at having good relationships
>He said dinner was too “formal” at this stage but we could do an activity.
FWIW, I read this as dinner is too “stiff” or not fun, tbh. Whereas an activity (depending on whatever it is) would be more fun especially since you kinda have a rapport and dynamic going on already. (I’m not a dinner date kinda person myself so I get it. I think that’s more like already in a long-term relationship-y thing to do.)
Most people have sex by the third date if there’s chemistry there. Just saying. Don’t know what this guy wants, but it’s not unreasonable.
You’re overthinking things. If you’re having a good time then continue to go with the flow. Going against your natural inhibitions can really screw up the organic budding of a relationship. Also, try to avoid making assumptions about his intentions, i.e., him suggesting an activity instead of a date means you’re not worthy of one. Just focus on having a good time and you’ll figure out whether he’s someone you want to be with in the long term.
Maybe removing booze from this situation would help? Twice in your post, you basically say, “I drank and then things became sexual.” I assume booze also accelerated his desire to seize the sexual moment. I’m not trying to judge but I don’t see how I can see either side of the story because you both give into impulse after drinking. Maybe you’re both to blame for things being too sexual early on.
Another poster said most of his long term relationships were sexual in second and third dates. My experience has been similar to this. I don’t think sex early in dating immediately invalidates long term potential. If both of you want to work on long term goals, my guess is you’ll have to work on it together to make it work. I don’t know.
If you’re both tested and safe , i (mid ni 30/ male) feel un wanted If there’s not sex ,oral, or heavy-petting by #3. For me physical develops from simultaneously withe emotion and inlelllet
Wait, why are you afraid that YOU made things sexual too early? There’s 2 people needed for that and absolutely no need for you to blame yourself.
To me personally it sounds like he’s after sex, which is fine if that’s what you both want. That’s just my take from my dating experience. If you don’t want to sleep with him yet, don’t go over to his place.
I also find the comment about dinner off putting because you don’t have to have a super formal dinner at a fancy place, there are so many more relaxed (and cheaper!) options. And as a woman it seems like a safer option until I know the guy a bit better and feel alright meeting him at home.
If he doesn’t understanding your reasonings, maybe you two aren’t a good fit and it came up early enough!