Point of View Differences: Me (28F) and my boyfriend (19M)

Note: In this post, there will be the perspectives of two people in a relationship, and we were hoping to get some feedback from Reddit about who is in the wrong here, overall. Mine, the female side, was written first, and his was written after reading mine and typing his response. Posting to Reddit was his idea.

Her Side:

I’d like to begin this story by introducing some context. About two years ago, I met someone online. I was looking for someone to role play as my love interest for one of my writing characters. I mean the writing kind of roleplaying. We quickly bonded, and we became best friends. We were writing a heterosexual couple, with myself being a lesbian in real life, and him being a gay man in real life. we have always known about each other’s political differences, and we have always been respectful of the opinions that each other will have. There are times that we drop political conversations so that they do not become uncivil, but, for the most part, we are genuinely able to engage in mutually beneficial discourse.

Several months ago, he had approached me and said that someone who was bugging him before to be in a relationship was back. This was a girl, and it was no surprise to me that he had turned her down multiple times, because he was a gay man and she was a girl. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, he messaged me, saying, “Remember that girl from last year? She’s moving to my dorm, and I think we’re dating now?” I was heartbroken, but, of course, I didn’t understand why I was heartbroken, because I was a lesbian and I could not possibly be in love with a man. However, after this girl arranged for a sexual liaison between him and another guy, I realized that what I was feeling was, in fact, jealousy, and I wrote a letter about how I felt, never intending to send it. I, nevertheless, made the mistake of letting its existence slip, and of course he wanted to read it. After I confessed, he asked me out, and within a couple of days, he then asked me to marry him, to which I promptly said yes, because this is quite unlike any other love I have ever felt, and there was never a question of saying yes.

I should also add that he was never officially in a relationship with this other girl, and, in fact, they had a conversation and realized that they were going to be friends with benefits. When we got into a relationship, I made it clear that monogamy is my hard and fast line, and this is something that we discussed at length. We do currently live in different countries, but we both agreed to be exclusive. This girl was always obsessed with him and it was very clear that she was, in fact, also in love with him, with her doing things such as moving all the way across the province to go to his college, and her later admitting that it was because she did, in fact, hope that he would fall in love with her. Upon learning that we were in a relationship, she asked if they could still kiss and cuddle and engage in other physical contact that is borderline intimate, or directly intimate, to which I said no. she continued to try to press boundaries and get him to do things without telling me, and there came a point where I had to ask him to cut her off. It was never a decision I wanted to make, but she crossed many lines that I’m not comfortable divulging, because it would violate the privacy of everyone involved.

He lied to me, telling me that he had, in fact, cut her off. He later admitted that he had only told her that it would be until I calmed down. In the midst of all of this, we have been having a major problem with identification. Whenever the issue of an open relationship has come up, he has insisted that I knew that he was a very sexually active person and needed men, and that I shouldn’t be hurt because he does not find me attractive, because he would understand if I did not find him attractive, being a lesbian. I do find him attractive, but he has said on multiple instances that he feels invalidated by me calling myself a lesbian, given that he is also a trans man. At the same time, he has insisted that he is a gay man and that I should not be surprised that he does not find me attractive, because he is a gay man, and this led to a fight that resulted in him admitting that it’s more important that he is allowed to call himself a gay man, because he is trans than it is for me to also be allowed to call myself a lesbian, because that invalidates him. He went so far as to allege that I had succeeded in my conversion therapy and that he would now call himself straight, when that was never what I had asked for. I do not think that it is fair for him to be allowed to justify needing an open relationship and not being attracted to me simply because he is a gay man if I am not also allowed to call myself a lesbian. The label has never even mattered that much, and the only reason the sexuality thing has come up is because he has used it to explain why it should be okay that he is not attracted to me and does not find me attractive. He knew going in that I was a victim of sexual abuse for my entire childhood, and that it has left me borderline asexual, and I knew going in that he is the exact opposite, being a very hypersexual man. I don’t think it is fair for him to say that I have to be okay with him not being attracted to me just because I knew I was getting into a relationship with a gay man. He also knew, even when we were just friends, that I’m borderline asexual and that monogamy is my hard line. This is a problem that has gotten worse, it seems, and it seems like there is no way to get over knowing that the man I love is not attracted to me. Worse, he doesn’t understand why it hurts so much, and his constant solution when I try to talk about it is just to tell me to break it off, then. I don’t want that. But I also want to be wanted.

His Side:

A year ago or so there was this person that I met while volunteering and she started to come on to me. I wasn’t interested at the time and rejected them. Multiple times. Like a lot. She got a little weird with it, telling me about sexual dreams they had and sent me plenty of explicit messages. Well, eventually, she wore me down and we slept together. A mistake. I know. I do regret it. I didn’t know what we were at the time so I sent my best friend a message expressing my confusion (“I think we’re dating now?”). We were not dating. We never were.

When I learned about the letter obviously I wanted to read it. If I said, “Hey I wrote this letter to you but it’s a secret” I’d expect the person I wrote it about to be less than pleased.

From here on, She refers to my partner and they is the other person for clarity’s sake.

It was a surprise to learn she was into me. I felt something for her but I considered it to be the kind of love you feel for a friend. When she admitted it to me, I took some time to examine my feelings more closely. I don’t regret asking her out. I don’t regret asking her to marry me. Yes, I should have waited but I didn’t want anyone else to steal her away. I want her to be my wife. I think she’ll be an amazing partner and I don’t want to split up. But…

Things got complicated. She was quite… worried… about my friend. “Across the province” isn’t true. They came from the same city as me and my college is like 30 minutes away. They were also already going to my college and just moved into residence. Yes, they asked if we could still have that physical contact but I’m affectionate with all of my friends. I’ve kissed them, we’ve cuddled, it wasn’t a big deal to me. She didn’t see it that way. Someone I’ve been in bed with was not allowed and it was a boundary I respected. I thought it would be enough. It wasn’t. Then we couldn’t drink together or smoke weed. Then we weren’t allowed to see each other in private lest they force themself onto me. Then in pubic wasn’t allowed for fear of being mistaken as a couple. I lied to her. I admit it. It was getting annoying. Every single day she brought them up. Over and over again, it drove me insane. I just wanted a break. I remember crying to her about it because it just started to stress me out so much.

In regards to “identification,” I’ve never had an issue with her calling herself a lesbian. As long as she knew she wasn’t with a woman then it was alright to me. I wanted the same freedom to be called gay. She didn’t like that. Didn’t want to be seen as a “beard” (Someone used to cover up sexual orientation). And yeah, makes sense. I wouldn’t want that either. At this point I just call myself bisexual for simplicities sake. Suppose if you really want to get technical with all the fancy terms I’d be homosexual and biromantic. I don’t really know. If it makes her happy I’d call myself straight though it’s absolutly not the case. I’m just so tired of pointless arguments. Maybe some part of me feel invalidated, I’ll admit. It’s nothing I’m not willing to put up with.

I am ashamed to say I don’t find her attractive. I don’t find women attractive in general. I like the way men look and I can’t change that. I really wish I could. Life would be so much easier that way haha. I know it hurts her. I wish every day I could fix it. She likes to bring it up a lot. She makes constant digs at me about it. I don’t want to live the rest of my life knowing my wife will never forgive me for not finding her pretty. My only solution is for her to leave since she’ll never truly be happy with me. She won’t. She tells me I’m the one who has to do it. I’m not the one who’s miserable. That’s a lie. I am miserable. But not from our relationship. It’s wonderful, truly. She’s the most brilliant woman I’ve ever met. It’s just all the fighting I can’t do anymore. I try so hard to make her happy but it never works. I’m out of ideas and I don’t know what to do.