Are we in a FWB or some weird relationship?
Hi there so I’ve been talking to this guy he’s 41 and let’s call him Daniel. So I’m 28 years old. I’m going to be going on 29 soon.
Daniel and I met in a certain department of our job and we have only been talking for about three months now. We work in different areas so I’m not worried about shitting where I eat. So we both came to this agreement that we are just messing around kind of just enjoying this friends with benefits situation. Which I understood that and everything but now it’s starting to get a little bit weird.
Daniel has a daughter who is about five years old I never met her before, but he had her talk to me on the phone for the first time. He is an ex marine and he is a contractor worker, single. I’m not gonna lie and say he doesn’t have his ptsd issues & and he gets a little mean. But nothing out of hand.
So I’m just a little bit confused I’ve tried talking with this man and asking him about what the heck is going on here. Because some of his insinuations are more than just what our friends with benefits really is. Today he got really upset because he wanted to go through my phone and he openly showed me his phone. I’m like..why does this matter? We aren’t dating.
He gets jealous if I even talk to other men. He became really jealous when other men would give me attention , super possessive over me.
But when I say OK, are we in a relationship? He’s like no we’re just messing around I said OK, so why are you getting jealous and then he will change the subject immediately.
He will ask me who I’m texting. He will look at my phone and see if there’s other guys and then make fun of me if there’s other guys trying to hang out or so. And I’m like I’m not messing around with anyone else I just don’t have the time. Then he will flip it back on me and say oh it sounds like you want a relationship! Then he goes on to say like how he doesn’t want to relationship doesn’t want to be locked down.
We have gone on dinner dates, heck the dude gives me free tattoos. Tells me about his daughter. When I say yo, what happened to just chillin? He immediately deflects it down.
It’s still too early to say but I’m going with the flow. But where is the boundary? When I try to set it, he’s immediately changed the subject! Please help!
TLDR, man gets jealous of me whenever I talk to other dudes but he freewill can sleep with whoever, but says we aren’t in a relationship. But gets hella possessive. Even trying to talk about it he changes the subject! What do??
Update: I forgot to mention this man has now done a bunch of my tattoos and all now too and buying me clothes and all of that stuff, claiming to take on trips which he has but I’m like ok but why
13 comments
He’s a bag of Red Flags and a controlling jerk. Run.
-But where is the boundary?
Yeah lady, WHERE IS IT?? You know when they say “when a person tells you who they are, believe them?” Your dude keeps saying he wants to be single. BELIEVE HIM.
I get you’re confused. Men like him usually have a few fwb, and rotate the attention so they are constantly getting it. He likes the fun parts of a relationship, confiding in someone, going on fun dates, doing the cutesy stuff. But that’s all they want. They don’t want to actually be in a relationship with you.
Or maybe it’s only been 3 months and he’s still feeling you out on whether going into serious relationship with you is what he wants. But you know how you’re never gonna find out? If you don’t have your boundaries set.
Set your fucking boundaries girl. If he’s insistent that he doesn’t want anything other than fwb, then stop going on dates with him, don’t let him vent to you about his life problems, don’t accept seeing or speaking to his kid (it’s kinda fucked up tbh, to be introducing his kid to you when he also wants to be single, don’t you think?)
Have an adult conversation about it. The fucker is 41, he KNOWS what’s up, and you should know what’s up too (whether you just want a fwb or want a real relationship moving forward) and you deserve to have clearly defined boundaries on where you guys stand and what he wants. Then actually own them. If he keeps wanting to do these things with you, and you give in, he knows he can just break you down. If you know you want something serious and he just is giving you the fwb package, you need to know to move on as well.
Best of luck lady! IMO it sounds like he’s eating his cake and having it too. A relationship-light, so to speak. If you’re cool with that, that’s great. If not, set the limits.
He doesn’t want to commit to you, but he wants you to be exclusive to him. Kind of like “we aren’t dating, but I don’t want you dating anyone else either”.
His expectations are off. He actually can’t have any expectations when you’re not even in a relationship.
I’d probably end this situation. He sounds like he would be a toxic and controlling partner if you ever did get together.
So, he wants the benefits of a relationship without having to actually be in one. He gets to do what he wants, but you get controlled. Get the hell out now.
> says we aren’t in a relationship
Then you aren’t in a relationship. A relationship takes serious enthusiastic consent from two people. Not enthusiastic consent from one and the other playing along/dragging their feet/leaving things intentionally ambiguous/being possessive. Also, instead of what are we, there are better questions you should be asking yoursef: whatever this arrangement is, is is making me happy? Am I feeling secure? Am I feeling loved? Is the level of monogamy/non monogamy in this relationship in tune with my core values?
Bottom line: no, you aren’t in a relationship, but more importantly, you aren’t being treated well, and labeling what you have with this man “a relationship” isn’t going to change that. You need to take action here and put your long term happiness above the short term comfort zone you seem to have gotten into with this dude.
No, I wouldn’t call that a relationship. I’d honestly run far away from that situation if I were you. Sometimes possessiveness can seem endearing at first but it’s awful as it progresses. He’s definitely trying to control you. You aren’t a possession and he’s treating you as such as well as benefiting by dicking around. It’s a win win situation for him and lose lose for you. Toxic abusive people are the worst. Seriously run from this situation, it can get dangerous fast.
Source: Been in a possessive relationship and my mother was in a domestic abuse possessive relationship too, similar behaviors present.
Oh, I hope you are not dating him.
If you aren’t intentional about what you want from the jump, then you cannot show surprise that you fail to find what you want from this man or any other man.
This man told you what it was. His jealousy and possessiveness isn’t the indicator that he now sees this relationship as more than, but an indicator that he seeks to find women who want to be jealous and possessive of him too.
I would tell you that his coy nature while seductive, is not one where he’s lying about what he wants from the relationship. He would like a girlfriend who doesn’t seek any attention from other men but doesn’t ultimately want marriage because he doesn’t want marriage. If that sounds like something you’d want then feel free to stay, but otherwise it is definitely time for you to leave and to remind yourself that speaking with clarity will aid you on your journey for love even if you find it more alienating early on in dating.
Obviously controlling, manipulative, and jealous. He thinks it’s OK for him to sleep around, but you aren’t permitted to do the same.
This isn’t a FWB, nor a relationship – it’s a one-sided monopoly where he gets to do what he wants, and you don’t. You’re his property at this point, at least he thinks so – hence the possessive nature.
Advice you drop this guy like a hot potato.
He’s afraid of commitment. It’s FWB, but he wants all of the benefits .
You’re in a relationship of sorts – an insidious, sneaky, and progressively toxic one. A “whether you want it or not” relationship.
He’s jealous, controlling, and “a little mean”. Sounds like a keeper to me.
Good grief sis, respect yourself more and come up with some kind of existent standards.
Are you that terrified of being alone that you just put up with anyone because you’d rather be used by a shitty man than have to be single?
Sheesh, I’ll never understand stuff like this.
Girl, you should stop any interaction with him.