What do you suggest? I truly want to improve my social skills.

12 comments

1. drink alcohol, you’ll feel it’s easier to socialize

2. https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/czah6t/today_i_turn_33_here_are_33_lessons_ive_learned/

   Numbers 2-7 are especially critical when you’re just starting out.

3. Are you in a position where you could investigate the possibility of getting a diagnosis of anxiety? And if that was forthcoming, going on medication?

4. Strongly recommend you read, no study, “The Laws of Human Nature” by Robert Greene. Changed my life completely. Good luck m8

5. Here’s what I suggest:

   1. If at all possible, get a friend you fully trust and tell them about your struggle. Don’t make your problem theirs to fix, but look to them for support. It’s important to have someone you can share your experiences with so you can make sense of unusual situations and celebrate your wins.

   2. Find a therapist. Because the friend in step 1 is not a replacement for one. When trying to build social skills you’re likely to encounter lots of social anxiety and a therapist can help guide you to unpacking and processing it in a healthy way.

6. My best tip for you is to find someone incredibly social and start asking them to hang out! For me this was a friend of my roommates – after a few weeks of chatting casually when he came over, he started inviting me to things. It’s helpful to have someone to mirror and facilitate initial interaction. Once you find that person that pushes you into those situations, you’ll quickly find yourself building social skills!

7. Try not to think about it as much. Sometimes I can socialize if I just do it instead of thinking about what I wanna say for to long.

8. Looks like you’re ready to take a big step towards improving your social skills. That’s great!

   First, focus on building your self-confidence. You mentioned feeling insecure and comparing yourself to others, which can be a major barrier to socializing effectively. Try to work on accepting yourself for who you are – as cliché as this sounds.

   Also don’t try tackle everything at once, but focus on one or two areas where you can improve. This could be anything from working on your conversation skills to seeking out more social activities that (ideally) align with your interests.

   Remember to be patient with yourself. Improving your social skills takes time, and it’s okay to make mistakes along the way. Just keep practicing with an open mindset. And don’t forget to have fun! 😉

9. Please read the book The Four Agreements. It will change your life. It will change the way you feel about yourself and your relationships.

10. Take baby steps! For example, a good practice for being approachable is when people greet you “good morning” you greet them back. If you have a dog, take it out for a walk, and when a random stranger compliments your dog, stop and talk about your dog. 🙂

11. I’ve recently read this incredible book called ‘How to make friends and influence people’ by Dale Carnegie. It has been an incredible resource for me. People view as me as more approachable, and I feel more confident because I understand what people want and how to give it to them. If you’re like me and struggle with picking up social cues, or maybe you pick them up but don’t know how to respond, this book will tell you how to navigate these situations with plenty of real life examples. Already I feel like my social life has improved dramatically and I’m way happier as a result.

12. A lot of social anxiety is based on the unknown.

    Humans love safety, anxiety is the little alert system in our brains that’s telling us that there’s a danger somewhere that we have to be aware of. When it’s pointing to people and situations, it’s hard because people are complex and situations are unique. If I’m anxious because I don’t remember turning the oven off, I can resolve the feeling by checking the oven but there’s not any easy fixes for complicated situation.

    There’s some pretty easy steps we can do to prepare for the unknown, to have tools when we encounter new situations or new people. We can prepare ourselves for situations by understanding what we can do to influence the present situation.

    So I can offer you 3 steps that helped me.

    1) Scripts. Figure out what events or situations cause you the most anxiety and develop a plan to handle those situations. Most people have a serious of scripts they run through most conversations with, they just don’t realize it. The opening of the conversation is always the same 3-4 phrases, they respond to information with the same phrases, they respond to good and bad information with similiar phrases. There’s comfort in scripts because we know how to respond to most situations, we have a response prepared. ‘oh wow, tell me more’ and ‘oh, that’s interesting’ are some common examples.

    We don’t know other peoples’ scripts but we can develop our own.

    For me, it was when I ran out of things to say or talk about and there was an awkward pause in the conversation or when I didn’t understand a social cue in a situation. I developed some pretty simple scripts for those situations. When there’s that akward pause, I say my scripted line and it moves forward the conversation. When there’s social cues I’m missing, I crack a joke about it and let people know in a funny way that I’m missing the cue. The unknown is gone and those situations are a lot easier.

    2) Recognize how much of what you are experiencing is based on what other people think and feel. You can’t control the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of others, those can’t be things you consider. People suck, that’s an unchanging variable. Don’t try to play the social games, only focus on yourself in those situations. Like of course notice if someone is uncomfortable or upset, your job isn’t to interpret those emotions though. Be direct, ask questions, and it’s not your problem if they don’t answer them. If you feel akward, be direct and acknowledge it. If you are overwhelmed, be direct and tell people you are gonna take care of yourself for a moment. Filling in the gaps takes away peoples ability to do it themselves. If you think to yourself ‘they probably hate me or think I’m a dummy’, cool, that doesn’t matter because people suck. Embrace that everyone thinks shitty thoughts about people, worry about how you feel not them.

    3) Don’t put yourself in situations to socialize, put yourself in situations to enjoy yourself. If you like bowling, go bowling. If you like swimming, go swimming. If you like Dungeons and Dragons, post an ad to find a group. Socializing is a secondary activity not a primary activity, friends are the consequence of engagement and not something people just get by themselves.

    We talk about the things we do, mechanics talk about cars with each other and gym bros connect over gym stuff. Find your passion and do hobbies based on it, the conversations around that activity will morph over years into friendships.