Hello everyone ! So I don’t know if I am crazy/toxic/selfish…I can’t even find the words to describe what I may be because of this whole situation. So a quick recap, I was in a super toxic relationship with a narcissist for 2yrs & 2m. It was a long distance relationship and it was really hard for me to leave when I was given all the red flags possible. I literally paid for everything when we went out, I would take his gifts every time I traveled over to see him, he would indirectly physically hurt me, he was wayer older but acted like a 15 yr old. Anyways that’s a whole different story that I can write a novel about 🙃. I ended up leaving him because I caught him cheating in a ways but it was worse, he tried to sexually assault three different girls in his town and they were all actually friends. I found out he was also consuming💎 and all these other narcotics when I wasn’t with him and all this other crazy stuff that I found out. So I basically block him and never spiked to him again.
My current bf has always been my best friend since he was 15 and I was 17 ( currently M22 and F24) so we have always been there for each other in good and bad. He lived in Cali and I lived in TX so when we would go to the same town out of the states we would hang out and catch up on things. We would talk here in there in the states but we aren’t great at keeping up with texts so whenever we would see each other we would catch up on things plus me and his sister have always been close so I would catch up things about him when he was in Cali via his sister. So I knew all the girls he went out with and he would literally tell me everything since we trusted each other that much and we would give each other advice etc. We always liked each other since day 1 but since I was older than him and I didn’t want to go out with someone younger than we because it was “awkward” and plus he was way shorter than me ( I know pretty dumb). So since he didn’t want to hurt my feelings or anything (according to him) he didn’t make a move at all because he preferred to have me close as a friend then end up messing things up and losing everything. Plus this dude wasn’t prepared to be in a serious relationship nor leave his addictions either. I was there through all his relationships except his most recent ex because I was in my relationship and my ex knew we liked each other just by the way we would look at each other apparently. We did make out in like 2 different occasions and in the last one he got so drunk and we ended up seeing each other in the same place (i was with my ex during that time) and we got an argument and he left. So I then leave with my current bf and we confessed everything he felt for me and literally told me everything he felt towards me and everything he would do for me and how angry he would get when he saw the way my ex was treating me and all this stuff. So we stopped talking but it was December of 2021 that we started to talk again since he moved to Tx (which was one of the things he promised he would do) and actually he lived 30 min away from me which he didn’t know when he was moving down here. He has accomplished almost everything he promised except the part of him marrying me and forming a family. Anyways we start talking and hanging he was with his ex I was with mine and we both ended our relationships because we both got cheated on more than twice and in march we started dating (I know after so many years of us liking each other).
Soooo here comes the good part, his ex treated him like shit, verbally abuse him, degrade him, used him and even cheated on him more than once which one of the guys was her ex husband. I witness her making out with her ex husband (which I didn’t know she was married, nor did my current bf knew who he was and at the time of this scene I was with my ex) and my current bf saw everything she did in front of him even though several people had already seen her with other guys doing things when my current bf wasn’t in town. She was F26 and my Bf21 and she has been married with that guy since she was 15. My bf proposed to her 10 months into the relationship and he refused to marry him and then after the cheating part was when my bf broke up with her. So I guess my resentment is that he dared asked a girl that was way older than him and would treat him like 💩 and only use him for her benefit. He had promised to “marry him” by this December-January’23 the latest (keep in mind without me mentions or asking him to do so) and he hit me with,” I was think about the whole marriage topic that I want to give you a promise ring first…I want to do everything right and give you all three rings which is what you deserve; the 1st one being a promise ring and ending it with a wedding ring. Sooooooo I’m over here like how the hell were you able to jump straight into marrying someone that wasn’t right for you and with me not do the same? I am a good girlfriend I have always been there for him, I’ve helped him with his depression, talked him out of doing things, I’ve been there 100% since we were friends . And you hit me with this 😶, I just feel like I am not worth it as much as the other one….but then I look at everything he has done for me and then I’m like sheesh he does things for me that he has never done for other girls and he said he would never do for anyone and hear he is doing everything he said he wouldn’t ever do for anyone! I don’t know if it is an insecurity of mine or I am just acting crazy but I need to know what y’all think 🥲.
6 comments
A lot of this is academic at this point. The only way to move past it is to have an open and honest conversation with him about your feelings and concerns, and see if you both are on the same page about the future of your relationship
Maybe he felt like he made mistakes before and wants to make all the right decisions. Give him time.
TL/DR
I married my my best friend of 13 years. We dated for a year and were engaged for a year before we got married. I felt I didn’t need to date him that long because I already knew him so well. But being friends with someone and knowing their history is not the same as knowing if you’re compatible as a couple. How you fight, how you respond to situations, how you clean, how you relax after work, how you raise kids, and so much more you wouldn’t even think of. We’re divorced now. And I’ve learned a lot. I don’t want to make the same mistakes. I’m guessing he’s thinking somewhat similarly. He probably cares for you a lot but doesn’t want to rush into things because obviously that didn’t work for him before. So don’t be offended that you’re not getting the same treatment as his ex. I would see it as a good sign that he’s being more cautious. I admire a man that can learn from his mistakes instead of repeating it over and over again. It’s nothing to do with you personally. But it’s good that you guys both establish a strong foundation before moving onto the next step.
Short possible answer is he proposed to the toxic ex and has since realized it was a major mistake. Most likely he realized he proposed for the wrong reasons and does not want to make the same mistake a second time. Him not proposing to you is not about you at all. He has talked about and followed through with most of his promises to you showing how much you mean to him. Another explanation is he could be taking the time to heal before being ready to marry something (the correct and healthy thing to do)
A secondary comment here the way you write about this makes me scared for your bf. Comments like “how dare he” and talking about all the things you have done for him acting like that entitles you to anything. I realize emotions are probably high right now so I’m not trying to accuse you of anything here but initial impressions are of insecurity. Every relationship is different and noticing good can come from comparing them especially when you add toxicity (both your ex and his ex) to it. At the end of the day less than a year of dating (regardless of how long you have known each other) is a short time to get engaged. What you should be focused on is questions like:
are you happy? Is he happy? Is marriage in the future on the table? Are you both treating each other well?
Focusing on the past is not the answer. I realize that’s much much much easier said than done but it’s true. He will propose when he’s ready. Try to focus on building the best relationship you can and heal your own trauma from being with your ex because that shit will come up and bite you in the ass when you least expect it.
I married after 17 years 😂😂.
Now i didn’t need to get married for me it’s just a piece of paper because really nothing changed
My kids wanted us the same name plus it’s easier because his last name is southern Europe while mine is northern (taxes/ traveling etc)
So don’t think too much of it and enjoy eachother.