We have 2 kids 17 and 14 I’m very family oriented so I will just put up with it for my kids sake but honestly it’s driving me nuts, and I really want her to join in the healthy lifestyle and lose weight, sorry if I sound like a jerk that’s not my intention i really would like some opinions like I said I’m a family man and will stay either way I’d just rather have a better love life since the one I have now is nonexistent
19 comments
When you say ” let herself go” can you provide a weight comparison from 5 years ago or when you last felt attracted?
I think that one spouse becoming morbidly obese is a legitimate issue in a marriage. You at some point will become her caretaker because her health will fail and you are not having your needs met. I would probably live with it until the kids are adults and then reassess.
You’re not being a jerk and if anything you wanting her to get healthier and look better is for her as much as it is for you. Others may feel otherwise and you’re being selfish but I get what you’re saying.
Keep encouraging her. If she goes for a walk then praise her but if she takes that extra piece of dessert then keep your mouth shut. Only positive vibes!!
Maybe you can get the kids to join you on a healthy lifestyle from meals to a work out routine. This family activity may get her to eat to join you and the kids and push it along!?!?
Beat wishes and good luck!
If she’s in the same age group as you, it’s reinforcing behavior and you need to sit and have a scheduled adult conversation where you’re allowed to put forth your efforts to tell her your honest view.
Let her know this comes from a place of love but it’s also standing up for the person you need as a partner. Remember you’re going through something/journeys alone and you’re not communicating.
How can she join you if you don’t invest in the business of marriage?
I like the analogy that because you’re working out, you will be taking care of her instead of enjoying life with her.
Sit
Talk
Explore
oh wow after reading one of the replies that she doesn’t shower, i wouldn’t sugarcoat it for her if was her friend. She is not a child, so i would maybe baby her for a couple days, make space for what is and that’s it. After 2 days, what kind of example does she set for her children? As a family you probably tell children to brush their teeth, wash hands, comb hair, take showers, put stuff away, eat their veggies etc every day! At this point I wouldn’t accept any complaints and expectations she can not live up to herself.
I am very sorry you are going through this, if you want to have something you currently don’t have, you also need to do things you haven’t done before! The old dynamic is a part of how you got to this point where your love life is as of today.
Do you both work? What is home life like? Who does the majority of domestic tasks? Who takes on the majority of the mental and emotional load (planning family events, holidays, events for the kids like sports).
I’m sure you’ve probably already thought of this, but have you encouraged her to participate in your healthy activities? For instance, I go to 24 Hour Fitness and they have this “Buddy Plan” offer where a friend can join you for workouts for only $10/month. It’s so inexpensive it’s kind of a no-brainer. Anyhow, I got my wife to sign up and now we workout together and do spin classes sometimes. (I should note that my wife doesn’t have weight issues so this might be apples and oranges.) The key point was I never pressured my wife to do any of this. I presented the opportunity as a great deal and she made the decision on her own. That’s going to be critical for you (and her).
As other commenters has noted, this could be a mental health issue, in which case you should probably tackle that first.
talk to her and encourage her to join you for evening walks. take the kids to the park. are you helping with cooking/cleaning? the no shower thing sounds like major depression. she def needs mental health care. approach her with love and kindness.
The not showering enough issue would be a really big issue. That’s just not healthy. Yes, I realize that there were times in the past when people couldn’t bathe every day, but we don’t live then.
Surely, she’s depressed. I mean, that’s not something I could see not doing unless she were severely depressed.
I would sit down and talk to her about you concerns about her health. I am having the same issue with my husband. You can only do so much for your spouse. The rest is on them.
The no showering makes me think that she is in a poor place mental health wise. What does she do all day? Does she work? Does she have any friends that she sees? Would she be interested in talking to a therapist?
You’re not being a jerk at all. I’m in the same situation currently. My husband was always on the bigger side when we started dating. He wasn’t terribly overweight and maintained the same weight for a long time. We’re engineers so we spend a lot of time walking from jobs across the site and up and down stairs all day. That’s about our only form of exercise. When Covid hit in 2020, our jobs went virtual. We both spent all day on teams and in our offices sitting all day. We tried to work out a little bit every day to make up for how much we weren’t moving every day. I never really noticed him changing in how he ate or how much weight he gained until our annual appointments at the end of 2021 and he had gained 60 pounds. His doctor brought up the concern since he’s at a high risk for diabetes because of his family medical history. We started to eat better and returned to work in person so we were back to walking and stairs again. He was out of breath constantly, his knees and back always hurt, and we couldn’t walk at the same pace we used to because he just couldn’t keep up. In November of 2022, he had finally lost 20 pounds and got a referral to a bariatric surgeon and had gastric bypass. He’s back to the weight he was in high school and tried on a pair of jeans his mom still had. He was so happy he almost cried and it was the first time I had seen him happy about his weight in a long time. There’s so much of a stigma around weight loss surgery and I think it needs to change. If he didn’t get that surgery and change his ways, his life would be way different.
With regard to your post, you accept your wife as she is. With regard to the “doesn’t shower” comment…yeah, nah. Communicate.
Has she had a physical lately? This could be depression. It’s possibly related to hormones, as well. Please encourage her to see a doctor.
You can’t control what other people do, and you say you won’t leave. So you need to change your perception.
Attraction and love isn’t just physical. I can’t tell you how many times I think to myself how incredibly sexy my husband is just because he changed my tires, or washed the dishes without being asked, or offered to put our kids to bed after pouring me a glass of wine. Instead of focusing on the things you DON’T love about your wife, start focusing on the things you do love. You’d be surprised how much just viewing your partner through a more positive lens can change things for you.
I don’t think it’s the extra weight so much that you’re not attracted to, it’s the lack of interest in herself and her lack of trying..right? Like if she was a bit curvy but was eating healthy and working out with you I’m sure you would want to jump her bones. You’re not being a jerk at all.
Is she depressed and overwhelmed with the kids and family life?
Why do I get the feeling that the folks that have a problem with your post have a weight problem themselves? It’s completely normal to feel the way you do. You’re making changes to better yourself and you just want the same for your partner. Life is short and you should surround yourself with people that make you a better version of yourself.
My husband told me he’s lost attraction to me and I found out later that he had been hiding a porn addiction from me probably our entire 23 year relationship. Porn rewires your brain if used often just like drugs because of the dopamine hit you get in your brain from it.
Instead of focusing on her, maybe take a look in that mirror and see what you can improve in yourself. You only have control over yourself and not other people. What ways can you improve your attraction to her? In what other ways are you building intimacy with her besides physically? Is there a way to increase physical activity as a family? Maybe talk to a therapist about your expectations and get some feedback from them. Are you thinking about this issue respectfully? Good luck that’s a difficult position.