Question for men who’ve been married a significant amount of time. If you were to advise your younger self on choosing a wife, what qualities would you recommend looking for? I have been married 16 years but am curious about perspective of others looking back.

Also, yes, I get that “choosing” makes it sound like the other side doesn’t have a say. That’s not what I mean, for those sensitive to such things.

26 comments
  1. Disclaimer: My answers go both ways. These apply to me as a husband as much as they do to my wife.

    Able to communicate effectively (this may differ from person to person; this is where I personally would use words like “compatibility”). I have known/dated women in my life that certainly communicated their needs/wants/desires etc but we didn’t communicate effectively *together*. My wife of ten years and I communicate phenomenally.

    Shares the same life goals and views the relationship as a team. Understands that individually we may grow & change in ways, but as a teammate invested in the relationship willing to work hard to be vulnerable, listen, display empathy, consider perspective, etc.

  2. Find someone you like being around and then figure out if you want to put up with their crap. If you can, done. You’ve found a wife.

  3. First, make sure you are husband material. You should focus on making yourself the best YOU that you can.

    Then, look for a potential spouse who basically does the same thing. That means that they value themselves, beyond just their appearance, and seek to better themselves in order to be a better partner.

    And yes, compatibility is 100% a necessity. If the two of you are not compatible sexual partners, have aligned value systems, financial priorities, and long-term goals, then the relationship will probably end in divorce.

  4. It would depend if your looking for a wife, or a wife and mother of your children. I was looking for the later. The quality i would look for most is a wife is loyalty. Anyone can stay with you when its going well. A loyal wife is there by your side when your chips are down and the kids are being jerks.

  5. Call me a romantic but if you don’t love someone and you aren’t thrilled at the idea of spending time with them, then they aren’t a good choice.

    Pragmatic factors are important, but surely have to come second.

    Can go too far the other way with that, though.

  6. I was married for about 3 years. Now, my opinions are:

    Sexual compatibility comes first. I can get every other kind of intimacy from other people, but ordinarily I can only get physical intimacy from my wife, so that has to be top notch. Any kinkshaming whatsoever and you’re out. Shaming *my* kinks in particular is obviously also not OK. We need to have a healthy overlap in terms of frequency and breadth of activities. Crucially, she needs to *bring something* to the bedroom (she can’t see sex as simply something that happens to her) and she needs to understand that we are *different people* *wanting different things*, so the “I will only ever do things that I personally enjoy” attitude won’t fly.

    After that comes the ability to have conversations where I can be vulnerable, where I define vulnerability as being emotional + being negative. No-one struggles to accept male vulnerability when it’s about being happy or agentic or typically masculine. Everyone struggles to do it when the man is being negative: unconfident, sad, etc. So that’s the crucial test. That’s what “good communication skills” actually means to me. Can I tell you you’ve pissed me off and have you hold space for me and listen rather than counterattack? If you expect my language to be 100% perfect non-defensive communication before you’ll give me the time of day, it’s not going to work.

    After that comes rough financial equality (the one bit I did get right with my ex-wife). Then religion, morals, attitudes to children, travel etc.

  7. Marry your best friend, seriously, it sounds nonsensical to say, but it really is true.

    If she is anything less, next.

  8. Someone you never get tired of being around and someone that you tell all of your secrets to. Beyond that expectations are usually a relationship killer. What I mean by that is if they don’t already do something like cook or clean don’t ever expect them to start. I’ve been married 24 years and have 3 children. Two of those children are out of the house. After the third one leaves it will be just me and her again and that’s alright by me. I will take having her in her worst mood ever over not having her at all.

  9. Excellent question. Here’s a random stream of consciousness on the question.

    1. The ability to consider your emotions, boundaries, and opinions in all things. Not necessarily AGREE but if you’ve got an opinion, it’s considered and respected.

    2. The ability to understand that there’s 3 options for every decision or path forward. Lead, follow, or get out of the way. There are some things she will lead, some things she will FOLLOW, and some things she simply must accept she has nothing to do with. I’ve found my marriage that most arguments will distill to a disagreement on who is leading, following, or something one of us should just let go of. I emphasize FOLLOW because a weak ego would make it difficult for a woman to follow her man in something. And what I’d advise for every man looking for a partner is to see what are things she’s LEADING in the relationship (e.g. nurturing, home/nest making, her own happiness and fulfillment), what things she’ll follow (e.g. where we’ll live, major purchases such as a vehicle, etc), and what stuff she should not have a day (what my hobbies are, assuming they’re not destructive). Note, just because she’ll ‘follow’ a decision doesn’t mean she isn’t consulted. A good partner always considered the other. See number 1.

    There are VERY few things in my opinion i consider as truly 50/50 decisions (e.g. number of children). So limiting what those are are important in a marriage.

    3. The ability to grow and mature. If she cannot ever accept she was wrong, not considering an important perspective, or was missing a key piece of information prior to passing judgement, that’s a major red flag. Accepting you’re ignorance and humility and taking your mistakes as an opportunity for growth is absolutely vital to a healthy relationship.

    Edit: formatting

  10. Everyone has the most correct answers. I want to add something physical since that’s what younger people often look for.

    A good smile and pretty eyes go a long way all through life. Bodies change but good teeth and big eyes are (hopefully) always there. Prioritize that over weight and shape, especially young.

    If body is important to you, don’t go for body as much as healthy habits. You don’t need a gym rat or marathoner, but someone that is active and eats healthy without trying will probably stay how they are, as opposed to being skinny, crash dieting or just being “naturally thin.” That’s just called being young. That goes away.

    That said, weight shouldn’t be that much of an issue. I’ve found that as my wife’s body has changed and we’ve both aged, I find her body and similar women the most attractive. I don’t like the sticks with no curves that I liked as a kid. Mom bods for the win.

    But the connection as a partner is more important. Just wanted to add something not mentioned much.

  11. Find somebody you can be completely honest with, and somebody who is completely honest with you.

    Resentment simmers away and is venomous to all.

  12. Re: Choosing, the key to a long marriage is to keep choosing each other every single day. Which also means making yourself worth choosing.

    Younger me figured it out. Coming up on 12 years and she makes my life so much better. Someone who sees your relationship as being part of a team and you win and lose together. Someone who doesn’t fight, but can discuss to figure out what’s best for the team. Someone who can have an honest conversation without getting defensive.

  13. That it’s a 2 way street… That he should look for someone who gives hiim confidence that he can trust her to consider your wants and needs in all her decisions – because she knows that he considers all her wants and needs in all your decisions.

    We’ll be married 35 years this April and, despite all our ups and downs and problems over the decades the fact that each of us damn well knew that the other was doing their best for both of us is what saw us through those times when one of us fucked up.

  14. Gotta enjoy sex. Gotta be faithful. Gotta like people. Gotta know how to make something in the kitchen other than instant coffee

  15. G. Gordon Liddy said he was mainly attracted to his wife for her excellent math skills, but he was a bit of nut.

    Find a partner who you enjoy being around a lot. You’ll still need little breaks here and there, but mostly you should love their company, even if you’re just sitting quietly doing your things. By the way, you’ll know right away if you feel this way or not.

  16. It can’t just make sense on paper. Granted, it has to make sense on paper – similar values, goals, and capacity to grow and communicate better. You have to enjoy being around them and it should be obvious they enjoy being around you. Marriages aren’t royal alliances. Sometimes someone can check most of your boxes and you’re somehow stymied as to why you don’t want to spend more time with them. Marry a good friend.

  17. I’m not sure if there is a word for this, so I will describe it.

    Pick someone that moves closer to you when there are hard times.

    When you fight does your partner step away or towards you, do they seek to solve the problem or isolate themselves from it. Do they expose their vulnerability to you or armour themselves against potential pain that you could cause.

    Financial problems, fertility issues, miscarriages, family deaths, sickness, will come to every couple, almost ever successfully strong marriage I know has become stronger in adversity.

  18. Dad always use to say “find a woman that likes smoking and raw oysters. “

    Not really sure what he meant.

  19. Look for a woman that adds to your life, not detracts from it. One that supports what you want to do. She should be your partner in crime, your back up, your Jiminy Cricket, your inspiration, your lover.

    You should want to come home to her. She should be the first person you think to call when something great or awful happens.

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