Context: F, high school
It took me a *ton* of work through therapy, personal research, and experience to get to the point where my social anxiety is low enough so that I’m able to talk to new people. If I need to partner with someone for an activity, I can match their personality for the most part– joke around with them if they’re in a good mood, stay quiet but on task if they’re also the quiet type. I’ve made a few new friends this year through doing this, which is a huge achievement to me, but the issue isn’t those guys, it’s the friends I‘ve *previously* made.
I’ll only refer to one specific friend for convenience; let’s call him Jason.
Jason and I have known each other for about a year and a half. Last year, we were sort of friends, but my social anxiety was at its peak; I could barely exchange words with him whatsoever.
This year, it’s gotten a lot better. We got each others numbers and have texted a little bit, and in person, we often will sit together and have pretty average conversations. That’s the pattern: We sit down, talk about one fixed conversation subject (ex. English class, driving, whatever) and then the convo ends when one of us leaves. Nothing emotional ever comes up, our relationship never gets any deeper.
I’m not saying this is a huge problem by any means, but it’s been starting to frustrate me recently. With my new friends, I feel comfortable enough to use my considerably more social and joking personality around them, but with Jason, since he’s known me since *before* that version of me, I can’t exactly suddenly switch to that version. I guess I want to know, how exactly do I slide into being the person I really am around him? I’ve tried, but all my jokes feel forced and I feel like I constantly have to be putting up an act, whereas it comes naturally for my other friends.
2 comments
I think one of the easiest ways to connect with someone emotionally is to talk with them about something very personal or tell them a secret maybe. If he’s not channeling the same energy and willing to open up to you after that he may just still not feel comfortable yet or maybe has trust issues. If you continue to try and get him to open up and it still isn’t working then idk what to tell you really. I would say just try something different each time but still try and be yourself obviously. Sorry if this isn’t the best advice I am just really use to just being myself around others and I’m not sure I’ve had a problem like this in a while. You could also maybe try asking him to do something different together you guys don’t normally do. Even if he sees the past version of you, people are always changing and he can’t expect you to be the same forever
I think you’re getting tripped up by fixating on arbitrary rules your anxiety is laying out for you.
It may simply be that you’re just not on the same wavelength as the people you knew when you were more shy, hence why conversation doesn’t just flow. Or it could be that you’re getting stuck on this black and white timeline you’ve built in your head, that consists of a “before” and a “now”. You’re one person. There aren’t two tracks here. In a year, you might be even more confident. You have no loyalty owed to the person you were at any point during your life; the only obligation you owe to yourself is to continue to be yourself, and that’s always changing. So really the only obligation you have is to not limit yourself any more than is necessary, in your ongoing daily life, as you continue to get older and (hopefully) learn and grow.
I’m assuming your therapists & research has touched on letting go, of unhelpful thought patterns and being harsh with yourself. When you feel like you’re forcing a joke, try letting go of that judgment. If you want to say something that’s funny to you, say it; if you feel like you should be saying something, don’t say that forced comment.