My boyfriend (21) and I (22) have been together for 2 years. He always makes me small presents, showing that he really listens to me; plans trips for us (we both pay of course but he shows he cares), flies over to me often (we are in a long distance relationship at the moment), I can call him in the middle of the night, he listens to me, whenever I have problems, we have the same values etc.
But there have been several red flags: The first one happened half a year ago: When he was drunk he texted a girl on instagram (someone he went on a date on as he met her before he met me) and asked her how she’s doing etc. Although he has pictures of us on instagram and the girl later asked him whether I am his girlfriend and he said yes, he didn’t initiate the ‘I am in a relationship/ this is my girlfriend. When sober he apologized to her and then texted with her the next day (she also has a boyfriend which he claims he’s known) – Basically he told me it meant nothing because it would be stupid to go after a girl with a boyfriend while he has pictures of us on his social media.
Still weird. Secondly, he knows how much I hate porn – I’ve talked about it a lot, as I have problems with the sexualization of women. We had a very big argument recently and I ‘broke up with him’ (my bad, yes), immediately afterwards he watches porn (I know because by accident it popped up in his browser when we wanted to watch a movie on his pc) – Yes, we were technically not together but it was clearly a Oh let’s break up then in the middle of an argument and that literally 5 minutes afterwards he turns to porn instead of returning my calls (where I wanted to apologize, talk things over, I was really worried about him as he was crying) shows that he’s pretty weak – he has promised me not to do it again, but I don’t trust him.
Thirdly, he tells small lies convincingly. He says he never lies to me but I can’t believe him anymore as firstly, he says he has never watched porn in our relationship ever; secondly, when the porn popped up he immediately lied it was from before our relationship before correcting himself – but he said it so convincingly and straight out lied to my face…
I know he’s human and everyone makes mistakes; I’m not perfect either, for example breaking up in the middle of an argument – but still, I feel like there’s something off with all this – I never texted a guy from a dating app to ‘see how he’s doing’, I don’t say I never lie but then lie, I would respect him not wanting me to watch porn… I feel like I can’t trust him. But then he does all these things and flies hours to see me and makes me presents and talks to me every day
Oh, another red flag: immediately after our argument he talked badly about me in front of his friends, like 5 minutes after the argument instead of talking it out – I get that everyone has to communicate but like 5 minutes afterwards, texting everyone?
What do you all think? I’m not sure I’m overreacting and missing out on all the good things, should I break up with him?
TL;DR: Red Flags
5 comments
i don’t have much to contribute but don’t let people here convince you YOURE the bad guy for being against porn.
The IG thing I don’t really think is that big of a deal. I still talk to plenty of guys I met on dating apps and it’s not because I want anything with them. To me it would be weird if one of those guys said “hi, how ya doing, I have a girlfriend.” You weren’t hidden.
The porn thing doesn’t make him “weak.” You broke up with him, so he owed you no immediate conversation. He likes porn, you don’t. That doesn’t mean he has to change for you, just like he doesn’t expect you to watch porn because he does. If he did stop for you, it was out of respect for you, not because he stopped liking it. Not a red flag.
The lies thing is a problem. However, if it’s about porn, maybe he’s in a situation where he doesn’t feel safe telling you because of your extreme views on it and you thinking it makes him “weak.” Try to have a rational conversation with him where you listen to his thoughts and he listen to yours, without judgment. If you think his lies extend beyond this one thing and you can’t trust him at all, you can’t be in a healthy relationship.
Instagram thing is nothing to worry about, it sounds like. I randomly message people sometimes too.
It sounds like the lying and the porn are connected. A lot of people have porn addictions and aren’t willing to admit it— plus everyone tells them it’s fine it’s fine and then you, the girlfriend, are the asshole for having the views you do on it.
I used to be super chill about porn, but honestly it CAN create problems. It sounds like your bf knows how you feel about it, and he doesn’t want you to know about his porn use. He is probably ashamed and doesn’t want to lose you because of this thing that he wants to keep doing and isn’t sure is bad. The lying isn’t good, but it is something I can understand.
To me, I would not drop this relationship because the rest of it, as you described, is good. I would have a talk with him about the porn/lying, and communicate how you feel about it. Be kind. Porn is made to be appealing to men, and it can be very tempting— and it’s EVERYWHERE, with EVERYONE telling him it is healthy. Tell him that you need him to be honest about where he is at with this thing— that’s more important than the porn itself imo. Is he struggling with it? Does he want to change his behavior? Does he use it as a stress-release and needs help finding new ways to do that? Does he think it’s healthy and you are overreacting? Is he willing to give it up? If not, how do you feel about a compromise? Can you guys make sexy videos or pics together as a substitute? Would you be more open to it if he stuck to porn that is explicitly respectful to the women involved?
That’s a lot of questions, I know, but there are a lot of angles to this thing. I’d have a good think about it yourself, maybe write out your thoughts, and then have a sit-down with him. Best of luck, and I hope it works out for you guys.
He was a good learning experience for you. Time to move on and the next time you will detect these problems earlier.
You said Instagram but later say a dating app – which one is it? Dating app – yeah not cool. But Instagram? You’re being ridiculous about that.
> I have problems with the sexualization of women.
I’m assuming you mean “exploitation” or “objectification” instead of “sexualisation,” otherwise this makes no sense. Not all porn exploits or objectifies women. Telling him what he can and can’t do is super controlling. Porn is not your thing – that’s fine. It’s ridiculous to dictate what other people think or feel or do with their own body. If he wants to watch porn and you don’t like it, breakup.
“I would respect him not wanting me to watch porn.” This is dumb – you clearly wouldn’t watch porn given your opinion on it.
Honestly, you sound exhausting.