I (M29) make more money than my GF (F25) because I am just further along in my career. I would say I probably make about 50-75% more than she does.
Usually when we make dinner together the person who is hosting will do most of the cooking and also buy the groceries so that way we keep things ‘even’. When we go out for dinner I usually pay and for lunches she would usually pay as I feel it’s unfair for her to have to pay for dinner since I make more money.
In the beginning of the relationship we didn’t really track who paid for what because it wasn’t that important (at least to me) and I felt we usually took turns anyway.
We recently went on a trip for a weekend again where we made turns to pay but now she suggested that we start adding what we paid during the weekend to an app to track and make sure we are even.
I thought she did this because she felt maybe she was paying more but after adding things up she owes me more than I thought and now I feel bad that she has to pay me back.
My question is:
How do I make sure that this doesn’t become an issue where we constantly feel like we have to track and add everything we spend on each other? If I just feel like spoiling her now I have to almost announce that I don’t want her to add it to the app which then makes it look like I want her to congratulate me or something and not just because I’m doing it out of a place of love.
Any advice would be welcome!
TL;DR: My girlfriend wants to start tracking our spending so we can see who owes who money but I’m scared it becomes an issue where I can’t just spoil her without it looking like I am trying to “show her up”.
7 comments
It seems like *she* doesn’t want money to be an issue. She is right though. She doesn’t want it to be hanging over her head
Are you sure she was asking because she thought you owed her? Unless she is really bad at math, and really bad at paying attention, it probably is clear to her that you were paying much more than she was.
I’d bet she brought this up so that she was paying her fair share.
If you want to spoil her, just say that! “Hey, this is a gift, and gifts shouldn’t be tracked between people who care for each other. Let’s stick to just tracking actual expenses.”
I like where she is coming from , I like to feel fair. I make more money in my relationship, I make 1/3 more than him so I cover things about 60 % of the time.
I will say- we don’t go out to eat much, whoever invites the other out pays. We alternate in the weekends when we do go out and eat cheaper when he pays.
I think it’s fair to have a conversation, you make 50-75% more, you are willing to cover the shared cost that about 50-75 percent additionally. I think that is fair.
This is important because you earned your way to have fun and enjoy life and you want to share that with her. She can contribute more in the future as her life unfolds .
The goal is to work together so thar we both meet our goals financially and enjoy life.
Hope that helps.
Why do you feel bad that she can pay her equal share? That sounds like a good accomplishment to be self-sufficient. Are these vacations or dinners out of her budget? If so, then you can pay the additional portion if you want to go somewhere more expensive. Why do you have to “spoil” her just because you make more? That sounds weird to me and I’d be uncomfortable in that dynamic.
If you wanna treat her then just say xyz is on me I want to do somthing nice for you. That’s what I do (granted I pay for most the stuff so I get how this could be different).
As others have noted, this can be worked out through conversation. I’ll also note that whatever you mean by “spoiling” her, you want to make sure it’s in a way that she’s comfortable with. She clearly feels uncomfortable with you paying for too much within the relationship; you’ll also want to talk with her up-front about the kinds of gifts she would feel comfortable accepting. If she prefers to stand on her own two feet financially, she may not want to be showered with pricey things. When the time does come, you can just say, “My treat this time,” or “Let me take care of this one,” or whatever — it needn’t be a big thing, I don’t think.
Split everything you do, but you pay 65% of the cost and she pays 35% of the cost.