I have trouble understanding what my partner means beyond what they say.

It seems like the majority of our fights relate to this concept. My partner will tell me something specifically either in person or by message, and then I will reply in turn.

Most recently, I asked if my partner had an opinion about me going to friend’s house after I found out that my friend’s partner had a cold. In this case we were using a chat app so the conversation was saved. In reply, my partner said they didn’t care and that they appreciated me asking.

Later, right before I left, my partner started telling me all of the things that I should do to avoid getting sick. I admit that I was a little stressed out as I was getting out the door, and I replied with some annoyance. I suggested there wasn’t much I could do except not go and that this timing was not helpful. I also suggested that when I asked my partner for their perspective, they should have offered it honestly so I could account for their perspective. But my partner was not happy regardless and even went so far as to say they didn’t appreciate me asking because it just put the decision on them. I noted that in the message thread my partner clearly said they appreciated me asking, so I was confused. I ended up not going because I better understood my partner’s concerns. That almost made things worse because then they thought I was punishing them.

A few days later, we had a service done at our house that I was present for. It didn’t go exactly according to plan, but we were dealing with it okay. Toward the end of discussing our next steps, I suggested there might be some terms to account for liability. My partner didn’t appreciate this and said very annoyed while walking out of the room that there were no terms, etc. After further clarification, my partner suggested it was a stupid point by using the word stupid. So I suggested it’s fine to be stressed out, but I’m on your side and not meaning to make stupid suggestions. So the criticism probably isn’t warranted, although I understand the stress. Well, my partner didn’t like the idea that they criticized me either, even though that’s objectively what happened.

So my issue has to do with a bit of a reality filter. I really expect one of us to get stressed out and potentially take it out on the other from time to time. But I also expect us to acknowledge it shortly after it happens. For me this is about calibration. As long as we can acknowledge in the moment (or shortly after) that our stressed caused some type of reaction that hurt the other, we can keep our mutual respect and love for each other in sight rather than letting the misunderstanding sprawl.

Unfortunately, it can take hours or days to get on the same page. Usually we end up acknowledging that the person who was stressed out almost certainly said something out of frustration, but it just takes so long to reach that mutual understanding.