Posting on here as I don’t know where else to turn, on an alt as my friends know my main.
Hello, I just discovered my wife of 4 years been cheating on me for months with another man. I came back home from work one day to hear her talking with another man on the phone, she tried to claim he was just a friend but I knew better. I looked through her phone to find out the worst- she was cheating on me and had been for months.
In their messages, she said she plans to leave me and take everything. She said she would claim I’d been emotionally absent and cruel and take everything I have.
Please, any advice for divorce proceedings would be great, I’m just so upset and confused about everything right now.
37 comments
If you can get her phone – screenshot EVERYTHING that proves your innocence. Have it for your lawyer.
Get off Reddit and get a fuckin lawyer.
Get your proof and go to a lawyer.
How could she take everything? That’s not how divorce works. It isn’t based on who was the good guy or bad guy. It’s just split down the middle.
Get the evidence of her cheating and file for divorce first, under the grounds of infidelity- include her plans to try and rob you of all assets under false accusations. Definitely consult with a lawyer.
Lawyer up right away, do not give her the chance to file!
Please tell me you made copies do those texts for yourself
Don’t say anything until you get them. Then straight to a lawyer
Before you divorce her.. record what you found, especially her messages about taking everything – it would work in your favour
Record or take title of assets in your name, keep it and record it all.
Change all your bank account passwords and signatures
Get your wife’s off all of your insurance plans
Save ALL your bank statements (especially those in the joint account) if she used the account to buy AP gifts… you mgiht claim it back from her
Nanny cams and screen shots of all her communications!!
Lawyer!!
STD test!!
r/lawyerup
So are you going to ask her about it? Make sure to record her reaction because she might perform a monolog about her plans.
Gather all the evidence you can find a trust worthy lawyer, NOW!!
My advice, lawyer up and follow there advice.
With her saying she’s using emotional distance, emotional abuse as her “reasons” if you start doing anything even opening up new bank accounts before getting the proper advice she can
And probably would use this as evidence against you.
“Look he opened up an account he’s leaving me, I’ve done nothing wrong I’m the victim, he’s controlling me.”
Sadly as your the man it’s easier for a woman (I’m female) to play the victim.
This does piss me off.
So yeah start getting organised but get professional advice before you do anything and make clear to lawyer she’s going to be using “control abuse” for her actions.
Whatever else you do, don’t do the old, “Well I was hoping we’d get back together, so i failed to protect myself financially so we wouldn’t be mad!”
Put a camera in your home to catch her cheating and use it in court and save all the messages she has
Get legal advice
screenshots!!! you need to get that proof of what she said, it’ll change EVERYTHING in the end
Also, blow up all your socials so that everyone knows shes done this and is planning on “ruining” your life bc she “CAN”
phone companies can often print out logs of text messages if the number is on your plan… just a thought, bc you can possibly get EVERY text shes sent him, including those after she was caught. if they discuss ANY retaliatory ideas itll get them hammered in court.
Just take her phone and run to a lawyer
You need to be talking to a lawyer, not us. Although make sure you screenshot everything on her phone which proves she’s been having an affair and is planning to lie in divorce proceedings.
I know it’s hard right now, do not give away that you know.
Get a copy of all the messages/ emails.
Open up a new bank account. Put money in there.
Have that mail go to a friend/ family.
Contact a lawyer asap.
Settle on advice. Pack what’s yours. If you can move out- then photocopy all the messages and put them on the bench and walk out.
Step one – document everything you can. I am talking sit down and write out everything, the day you met, marriage agreements, what you were both earning entering the marriage, what you earn now, what assets or goods you each brought into the marriage. Purchases made and who has been paying for what.
Step two – document any proof she was going to claim emotional absence. Document any proof like you messaging her saying you love her/cards/gifts you bought her, etc. Trips together, dinners out… anything that proves her allegations are false.
Step three – plan YOUR exit strategy. Look at who’s name is on what agreements/bills/utilities. What are YOU liable for, what are in both your names?
Step four – see a divorce attorney with all of this information. Give them as much information as you can and find out what your situation is.
Adding: please get an STI test if she’s been cheating.
Get evidence of what she was planning to claim and go to an attorney ASAP for legal advice. If she is planning on making false claims you will need a lawyer.
Go get a lawyer and get everything you can on here…
You are 26…I don’t know how much you possibly obtained in your marriage or what you saved for retirement…I wouldn’t worry too much but get a good lawyer and pray a judge cab see through her cheating greedy ass ways.
I agree with the people posting; be as sneaky as your wife was (or rather sneakier, don’t get caught.) Collect evidence of her cheating and plans to defraud the court in a ploy for money. Consult a lawyer and follow their advice on what financial moves to make to get in the best situation without compromising your position in court. Be sneaky the whole time. Then, when you’re fully prepared, enjoy the look on her face when you tell her that she’s getting the divorce she wants but none of the rest.
Sorry this happened to you. I hope you cram it up her cramhole. Cheaters are the fucking worst.
Lawyer up now. Do not leave you home to “give her space”. Stop your direct deposit into any “joint” accounts – do not hide assets, but be able to ensure you have a source of cash. The instance they your marriage is ending, the relationship with your “spouse” becomes a business relationship. I know it’s hard to take the heart out of the matter, but it has to be done. Also, get counseling from a qualified therapist. You will need it more than you know
Stop with Reddit and immediately seek legal advice from an actual lawyer.
Good luck!
I see someone on Reddit do this. Visit a lot of divorce lawyers for consultations. As many as you can to limit her options for find a divorce attorney. Some guy did this and won a lot of things because she had to find some random lawyer that paid a lot.
I don’t know if it really works but it sounds like a good idea to me.
Step One- Screenshot everything you can get your hands on.
Step Two- Call attorney, and if where you live allows it, file for immediate legal separation- your joint debt stops accruing on that day, and she cannot legally dissolve any financial accounts- if you reside in an area that allows that.
Step Three- Open bank account for your income. Depending on where you live, take half of what is in joint accounts and put it there, but your attorney will advise on that.
Not a step, but very key- DO NOT move out of your marital home. This is considered abandonment of the property in many places, and can have big consequences for your divorce. If able, just move into another bedroom or area of the house.
And good luck OP, I’m sorry this is happening to you.
First, make an appt with the meanest attorneys in your area for a one time consultation, saying you are shopping for an atty to represent you. Then none of them can represent her. My experience was being reasonable didn’t work. The ideal is to find an atty who is tough but also isn’t the type that wants the fight to go on forever to run up the bill. Good luck, it is the pits. And add in some therapy if you can afford it.
Did you back up all these messages you saw on her phone as evidence. If you didn’t then you will surely lose everything.
GET PROOF.
Take screenshots of her infidelity on her phone, change all passwords and anything that she has access to, make sure she has no access to your money in any way. Pretend you know nothing while doing all of this, don’t confront her. And GET A LAWYER.
Hit her first, don’t let her get the drop on you.
Get back on her phone as soon as you can and get copies of every message you can and take them to a lawyer so you can get the process started to protect yourself.
Once you have that sorted you start doing whatever you need to to make yourself happy. Either therapy or hobbies (if not a mix of both) would be my suggestions.
1. Get as much evidence as you can. Photos, screenshot, anything you can.
2. Make appointments with ALL the best lawyers in your area and as far out as you can. Consult each of them. Why? It means your wife can’t use any of them.
3. Prepare for the next steps. Decide if you want her gone from where you live or if you want to move out. If the first, make sure you are ready with a locksmith. If the second, make sure you can move out in a day.
4. Once all your ducks are in a row, file for divorce.
Get that stuff as proof to bring to court. It’s proof of her cheating and proof of her lying in court. They won’t like that.
Screen shot everything!! Save all evidence. Take your money out of any/all joint accounts. Change the passwords on all apps, accounts and devices. See a lawyer, asap. Actually meet with the top 3-4 divorce attorneys in your area as a preliminary meeting. Then she can’t hire them. Pick the one you like the best. Know all your options. Change your emergency contact at work and with Drs. Change your beneficiary on life insurance , if you can before divorce.
See a therapist if you need one .
Decide exactly how you want to proceed and then have her served with divorce papers. Ideally at work. Forward your snail mail to someone/some place you can trust if you’re not moving out yet.
Read Leave a Cheater, Gain a life. Go grey rock, 180.
Good luck, so very sorry.
Everyone is saying take screenshots.
Don’t. Screenshots can be faked all too easily.
Take pictures or video of her phone with the messages pulled up, after you show the data about her phone(make it obvious, too, that it’s a picture of a screen.)and send them to a private preferably new email with only evidence for your divorce. Also, show the contact card for her affair partner, so that you can use it against him in the future if you desire.
Then consult a lawyer, preferably from a large city near you. Don’t do anything else but document the texts until you consult with the lawyer. Don’t move any assets, or change your direct deposit before the consult, all those can look bad. Use that same email address, only, for communication until the proceedings are in the open. Don’t save the password on any devices, and don’t write it down. Sneaky cheating people are often sneaky in other ways and she may be monitoring you.
Gets copies of all the messages via pictures take it to a lawyer. Also a subtle note don’t sleep with your wife anymore most don’t mention that and in several states they use that as an excuse to say you forgave them… close joint accounts and move everything you can, to only your name accounts.