Long time lurker, first time poster.
My husband and I have been married a little over a year, bee together for 6 years. When I met my husband on an online dating site, he was my “time to step out of my comfort zone” attempt. I had a type, as most people do, and my type was not working out for me at all. I was so sick of being someone’s secret, being lied to and just not respected. Only thing was, the sexual/physical aspect of those relationships was there and I was missing the emotional and supportive aspect. I met my husband and from day one I felt safe with him. Everything came easy. There was no anxiety, no doubts, I felt loved, supported and he put me on a pedestal (still does.) Physically though….I don’t feel that rush, that passion, that want to rip his clothes off. Never really have. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is handsome but I went completely opposite of what I usually went for. I feel bad, I’m very much a HLF and I guess my husband would be too but I honestly wouldn’t know, I guess I never really gave him the chance to be. I guess i would be LL4U with him? And it’s obvious in our talks that I’ve had more sexual experiences than him.
We are both heavy set, I’ve always gone for the bigger guys but my husband is a lot heavier than what I’ve dated before so it makes sex a little difficult which makes it feel like more work than anything else and not so much fun. I get off every time, it’s just vanilla. I have a lot of toys and have asked to use them together and the one time we did, it just seemed awkward and not really the reaction i wanted from him. I constantly think of my old sexual experiences and wanting that physical passion back but my husband is not who i picture in my fantasies. I just feel so bad that I can’t get that way with my husband. It’s like a mental block. For once i didn’t need to use my body to try and prove that i was good enough for someone and I feel like I settled for the emotional side which is what I was lacking before. But now I’m lacking the physical. I don’t know. I don’t even know if I’m explaining this right. I just feel guilty. He’s such a great guy and deserves everything good in this world. I want to be Everything for him but I can’t get my mind to be that freaky woman I once used to be. I’ve never even put on the 20 pieces of lingerie I own for him. I used to love dressing up. I hate my brain right now. I’ve tried to push myself and I just can’t do it.
1 comment
OMG! NO No no no! I have been there and this is an absolutely heartbreaking and impossible situation. I want to ask you a very straight forward question. Would you be attracted to him if he got fit? seriously, think about it….
I was once with a man that was big, and then really big, and still was handsome and literally was a great match for me in all aspects. But I never had that thing you were describing. That lustful passion. I knew I had to end it when I had the realization that it was not actually about his weight. Ironically he lost 80lbs and I am still not attracted to him! and I knew this even before the weight came off.
And you know why I wasn’t? because for some reason unkown, even though he was objectively handsome (he is a somewhat pretty well known public figure) I just did not feel “that way about him” period. He could gain or lose or have a 12 pack. I could still say he is handsome, loyal, sweet to the core, but totally did not do it for me in that arena.
I kept hitting myself, “am i really going to leave such an amazing human?” “am I really going to throw away a happy future?” my answer ended up being yes. I was 30 years old at the time, had a lot of life ahead. It was the fairest thing I could have done for both of us. AND it hurt like hell to jump off that cliff. to hurt him and to give up our life and the security i would have in him. It was honestly the horrible. And it gave me so much panic that i was ungrateful for god’s gifts and what if i never found the someone who was the whole package.
Fast forward 7 years later, I am with the right man for me, and I can even admit he is not as dynamic as my previous man. But he is loyal, dependable, works through problems well, funny, kind, and YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? I’m deeply attracted to him, even though he’s not who i thought I would end up with. AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?? Me and previous guy are great, great friends. and he deserves someone who wants him every night.
I am so glad I fought for more for myself.
(if you think weight loss will help your attraction and his confidence then there is hope for you two. And if not, well, you both deserve more)