We’ve been dating for 6 months. We spend a lot of time together and we have fun, but everything is on his terms. Im worried that I won’t necessarily be “taken care of” and will always be catering to him. I do a lot of things to make him feel special and I don’t really feel that in return.. I don’t feel any compromise on his end, like I’m just here to be with him and I’m not a person in this relationship.
Examples:
At first, he was the one making all of the date plans. We are both the “planners” in our group of friends, but I am ok with him taking the lead. He made a few comments here and there about how it would be nice if I planned something instead of him doing it, he wanted me to take initiative. Ok no problem.
I planned a dinner and ice skating night. I purchased the tickets, sent it to him. Booked a dinner reservation for after ice skating. He asked where we’re going, I told him, he said no because he doesn’t like Italian food. (We always eat Italian food…) Then the date comes around and he cancels because it’s “too cold.”
Then, I suggested we go to Christkindle. I’ve never been, he’s never been. He didn’t wanna go.
Then, I suggested we go see a comedian that we watched on Netflix when we first started hanging out. Make a staycation out of it, it’s about an hour away it would be fun. He said he wasn’t feeling it.
Today he asked me to go to that comedy show…… when I suggested it he didn’t want to go. Now we are going to go.
He always calls me, I always answer and am excited to talk to him. He never answers my calls, so I stopped calling him. I called him today and he was so short with me.
We only watch movies and shows he wants to watch. Shoots down my suggestions. Same with restaurants, we’ve never once gone somewhere I want to go it’s always his spots.
It’s making me lack confidence in the relationship. I’m a person too, I want to feel like he’s interested in me. I’m interesting too lol.
Need some advice on how I can address this, or is this just how some people are? We come from different backgrounds where he was very wealthy (VERY wealthy), and I was not. I’m trying not to judge him but I think he’s someone whose never been told no before and always has things on his terms.
TLDR: i cater to my boyfriend all the time, not feeling that it’s reciprocated.
8 comments
Hes 31, so dont expect this behavior to change. That doesn’t mean its pointless to bring up to him, but most likely that will just be for his benefit to help him grow a little. You aren’t going to be happy in this relationship long-term.
Why are you with him?
Break up. He’s self-centered and honestly seems kind of manipulative. Like he suddenly doesn’t like Italian when he used to choose to eat there? He says no to the comedy show but suddenly wants to go when it’s his idea? I don’t know what’s he’s trying to accomplish, but I suggest leaving before you find out.
The purpose of dating is to see if you’re a good fit. This is not a good fit. Stop wasting time hoping things will change. When people show you who they are, believe them.
Point out this behavior to him. Give him a chance. If he does not change, move on.
You know, he does this on purpose. It is part of destroying your self confidence and doubting yourself. “All your ideas are awful! Why don’t you know what i like and put effort into our dates? You are such an awful gf!” “Nooo, i never said i didn’t like this comedian! Sheesh, you really need to get checked out…”
And i wouldn’t be surprised if he does this with other stuff.
He is 31, he won’t change. It are just 6 months and you already have this shit. Do you really want to feel as if you never can make something right? And spending money an him for nothing? And i wonder how often did you appologized when you actually made no mistake but just felt awful? It is just manipulation and guilt-tripping as if you ruined the evening but actually he did. He is an abuser with still having half his mask on.
Yeah, this feels like a weird power dynamic and it’s worth a conversation. It’s really only a problem if he isn’t willing to do some self reflection and work on changing the behavior. If not, he’s either just not ready to date someone healthy who’s worked on herself, or he’s manipulative and controlling and not worth your time.
I’m usually the one to bend to make my partner feel comfortable, so if I was told or asked to be more decisive, and I was met with rejection for my ideas when I stepped up? I would be SO frustrated.
Are you not familiar with the option of not being in a relationship with him?