TLDR : I’m thinking that maybe my girlfriend doesn’t love me and is just using me for attention.
I(19M) have been in a relationship with this girl(19F) ,who I love so much and want a future with, for 7+ months now. We both love each other and are ready to spend the rest of lives seriously committed to each other as we enjoy each other’s company so much.
However, I have been thinking that she might be using me for just attention and does not actually love me. I might be just imagining things and going in over my head and that is why I want second opinions on this.
So it goes like this : I’m from India and we were in the same high school and met each other and started talking halfway into 12th grade(Senior year). Initially, we were just friends although I fell for her in maybe just a week after we first talked because she was so much my type. We had another guy in our friend circle who was kinda good looking and had a girlfriend. While it is true that me and her talked and laughed a lot whenever we were at school but she used to be “inclined” towards him….I’m really not sure how to put this in words. It was purely platonic but I felt left out, maybe because I was in love with her and wanted all her attention.
Fast forward a couple months, me and her became pretty good friends and one day I took the leap and told her that I loved her, she politely said that she is not ready for a relationship yet and it has nothing to do with me. We stayed friends after that, genuine ones, not awkward ones. We were done with high school a few months after this and were just at home, preparing for med school entrance(yes, med school is after HS in India). I stopped talking to her for almost all of July last year, even though she kept sending me texts asking about my day and trying to strike conversations. When we were done with the entrance test, our school results came out and I was at the top position.
She texted me to congratulate me on this and we again started talking. A couple of days after this, she told me over text that she is ready for a relationship and wants me but is afraid of heartbreak. She also confessed that she missed me so much all this time and even cried at one point but didn’t want to bother me as it might mess up my exam prep. I told her I love her too and we have been in a relationship ever since.
The issue is…that I talked to a couple of her friends and they told me some things which might not bode well. Her friend told me that that she used to have a crush on that good looking guy in high school. I remember that she herself told me while we were in school that that guy’s girlfriend asked him to block her(my current gf) on IG just because that idiot sent a heart to her in return for sharing notes.( I know nothing was going on between these two because it was a small school and I would surely know).
This got me thinking that she might be just using me for attention because she cannot be with him? I’m really not sure of this though. I have several proofs to the contrary :
1. She rejected a pretty good looking guy before me and was kind of? friends with him too after that but stopped talking to him when we started dating. This guy is admittedly better looking than me so she could just go to him if she wanted attention.
2. She told her mother’s sis(I know she did, not just believing her words) that she likes me and talks to me. This might sound silly at first but it’s actually a big deal. She is VERY close to that lady, way closer that she is to either of her parents. She says that she did so so that she or her parents don’t find a guy for her(a common practice here in India). Also, telling your parents or any influential family member that you’re dating someone at this age is a pretty big deal here in India.
I just want honest second opinions on this.
1 comment
Why anyone would think being in a committed relationship with someone is a good strategy for getting attention from someone else is beyond me. Sounds like doing the opposite of what would be smart… So no, I don’t think she is just in it for the attention.
Sounds like way to much speculation. Being 19 and insecure is a given. I understand that you feel insecure, but if you let your insecurity get the better of you, you risk blowing up at the relationship. Showing vulnerability to your gf and seeking reassurance is a better strategy than to overthink, suspect and question what you have. Don’t let these thoughts grow in the back of your mind. This is how jealousy and controlling behavior start out. Shed light on these thoughts.
I have written a post about healthy relationships which you find in my post history. Use it to evaluate if you and her has the right things in place.
You don’t trusting your gf to love you for who you are, but for what you are, is a deeper trust issue which must be sorted out, or it will affect you negatively. A lot of this is rooted in your self image, your self esteem and self worth. Your history with her is a constant reminder of rejection that has turned to an inner monologue about not being good enough, leading to you doubting yourself. Work on your self esteem, open up about thoughts that are hurtful (just make sure they are not directed at anyone else when you do), and use positive self talk. Some resources you will undoubted find helpful regardless: See Alfred and the shadow on YouTube. 5 min vid. If you struggle with cognitive distortions, look into CBT.