My (35m) alcoholic brother (30m) stresses me out. He’s been an alcoholic for +10 years. He’s a functional alcoholic, from 9-5 he’s fine, it’s during his off hours that he drinks.
When he drinks he chugs grain alcohol and then either passes out within an hour OR picks a raging fight with me then passes out.
He also denies being an alcoholic. I can list the “proof” here but I think it’s unnecessary ssary (multiple DWIs, stumbling and passing ou noon on weekends, hidden bottles everywhere, alienation from everyone etc…).
We do not live in the same city so we only see each other 4/5 times a year. Every time it’s a disaster. He gets into explosive rages over nothing. My children (2,5,9) end up witnessing it and are very upset, often crying.
I’m at the point where I feel nothing for him. Not even sadness. I’m only concerned with how upset he makes me and my family.
I feel bad about not caring anymore. I feel I have some moral duty to care and to try to support him in the (exceedingly) rare times he does reach out to me. He only calls me when he’s really in trouble and has no one else to turn to.
My children are sad because they adore him and want to see him.
He can’t even bother to call them on their birthdays or Christmas.
Deep down he is a good, loving person – but I haven’t seen that guy for years.
Where does the sibling obligation end?
Am I a selfish jerk? Should I be more understanding?
TL;DR Brother is an alcoholic. Creates chaos but niece and nephews love him. Is it morally wrong to cease engaging with him?
4 comments
NTA please make sure you talk openly with your children about what his addiction does to him. Contact him before he starts drinking.Let him know that you love him and know he is a good person when not affected by alcohol and that you are putting the health of your family first and can no longer have communication with him until the drinking stops and he gets therapy to help him stay sober.
It’s okay to cut toxic and abusive people out of your life. No matter who they are. You are not obligated to suffer for the convenience of another adult.
Your first priority should be the health and safety of yourself and your children. Your brother has made his choices, and the consequences are not your fault or responsibility. Absolutely don’t bleed yourself dry trying to help him or even maintain a relationship with him, it’s not worth it.
Sit your kids down and tell them that their uncle is sick and they can’t see him until he is healthy again. Then call your brother and tell him as long as he doesn’t accept that he is an alcoholic and doesn’t try to get sober for good, you won’t be in contact with him. That you love him, but you have to protect yourself and your family from this man who was once your brother.
My younger brother had a terrible drug addiction issue that mirrored a large amount of what you’re describing. When it comes to the concern of going NC… You have a right to your own mental well-being and that of your family. Your brother, like mine, probably won’t be able to get away from his addiction until he hits rock bottom and CHOOSES to try and recover.
If he doesn’t choose it himself, it may never stick. And as long as he is unable to get past this, you have ever right to cease all contact, with no guilt or worry.
My brother, after hitting his bottom, was able to start on his actual recovery and we’re now rebuilding a relationship. I hope your brother can start his own recovery journey and you two can rebuild.
TL;DR: No, it would not be wrong to go no contact. You and your family deserve peace of mind and safety.