I’m a healthy weight, normal skin, pretty face but my bodily insecurities are killing me.
It isn’t even anything extreme but like, for example, I have a lot of stretch marks on my ass. And my boobs are looking kind of sad because of weight fluctuations. And I have slight body hair. And all the shaving and waxinf is causing slight follicle marks.
I DONT KNOW. I know when I write it down it doesn’t feel like a lot but I feel horrible. I want to be perfect. And I don’t feel like I can show anyone or be vulnerable until I’m perfect.
I hate that I’m 21 too. I’m getting older and I feel like I’ll look worse with every passing year.
I feel like I look like a 10/10 with clothes on but then they come off and I’m disappointing. I’ve only had one long term sexual partner before who was a cheater and porn user.
I just don’t know. I hate my body and I just want to feel free again. I want to feel adventurous and beautiful and sexy but I just feel wrong.
I went to a doctor to ask what can be done about some insecurities I have and she said nothing. I don’t know.
20 comments
Nothing anyone will write here will make you feel better about yourself. You have body dysphoria and now you are fishing for pity and complements. You need therapy and hard work on self acceptance, not a bunch of Internet strangers pandering.
It’s gonna be something you’ve got to tackle down in your head. Throw out a compliment to yourself. Not every day, just when you really like your outfit, or makeup, or ya notice one feature of yourself you really appreciate. None of us are perfect. I have stretch marks as a dude, n it took me forever to get over it. Personally, now I think they’re kind of sexy to see on a girl. You’ll find your way. You may be getting older, but you’re still very young too. Good luck to you đź’™
This is actually incredibly common. I have had problems relaxing during sex all of my life due to self esteem issues. I tend to hyper focus on certain flaws and intrusive thoughts prevent me from relaxing. I struggle to get out of my head.
You are very young. I’m 41 and I wish I had been able to overcome my anxieties. I have ADHD though so it can be really difficult.
There are things that you can do to help you relax. It doesn’t matter if people tell you you’re attractive, overcoming these self esteem issues is so difficult and you have my empathy.
My advice would be to try to eliminate your worries. If you need to have the lights dimmed during sex, dim them. You can also find underwear that flatters your shape I have very small breasts and sometimes I am too self conscious to have sex without a bra or tshirt on… so I keep them on.
A good partner will understand and not push you to do things you aren’t comfortable with. Try not to let the actions of your one past partner dictate your sexual future.
I hope you are able to overcome your issues with your insecurities and get out of your own head.
Much love and solidarity, OP.
I think one interesting thing in life is that often we can end up being super hard on ourselves, even to the point of bullying ourselves, in a way we never would to others.
Like if your friend came to you and showed you her body which was much the same would you say “oh yeah I hate your body, you should feel horrible, you’re not perfect, you should feel bad and not show your body to anyone!”
And if not then why would you talk that way to yourself?
I think a persons relationship to themselves is the one which has the biggest impact on how they feel and how their life turns out.
How long since the shitty partner? That kind of thing can hurt your confidence for a long time.
But also you are 21. That’s so young! You’re still growing! Just speaking for myself I think I peaked looks-wise somewhere around 27-28. I’m only mid-30s now, so who knows? Might swing back around.
Idk. I get it, I don’t have advice. I don’t like the look of myself naked but no one cares about that but me. I’m not saying let yourself go or anything but also you kinda just have to get comfortable with the ways bodies just… are.
Do you live alone? If you feel safe, might do you some good to close all your drapes and double lock the door (and crank the heat lol) and just. Be naked. Like nothing sexual at all just a normal afternoon or whatever home alone except naked. Like immersion therapy or something haha!
Spend more time naked, until you start to feel 10/10 without clothes on. Perfection is an illusion, it doesn’t really exist.
Go to the gym. It’s not imposible
Forget 10/10, it’s a pointless system that feeds into the patriarchal attribution of value to feminine beauty. Also one person’s 10 is another’s 1 and vice versa so the system is nonsense. Your body is a perfect expression of you, it IS you.
Stretch marks are beautiful. They are interesting. Body hair is lovely, it reminds us that we are all animals, and as a bonus it is wonderful to caress. Breasts don’t look sad or happy, all breasts are magnificent.
I have enjoyed being with hairy women, shaved women, women with stretch marks or without, big women, petit women, women with breast that hang down and women with perky breasts… and my attraction to them had nothing to do with those factors. True attraction is mental and when there is a connection, the person in front of you will love every part of you.
If you are ever with someone that tells you otherwise, tell them to fuck off, and find someone who want you as you are. That is what I do (though I don’t say “fuck off”). Anyone who is closed-minded enough to reject someone solely based on looks is not someone worth your emotional energy. We will all get old and wrinkled, what’s inside is what counts, and what’s inside moulds our vision of the person in front of us.
In addition to what people have already said here, I could recomend you to post some nudes on some nsfw subreddits. It might sound a bit twisted but you might be surprised by the reactions you will get.
I think everyone has felt this way. Not to belittle your feelings. I’ve felt this way. It goes away.
Men are not picky! You’ll be fine! Relax and enjoy life as a young woman! Your young male partners are very immature.
First, there is something beautiful about everyone. No person I know loves everything about themselves. The best thing you can do is work on your confidence and mental health. Being confident and happy are the biggest turn-on for most people.
I recommend finding a counselor that you trust and stick with them.
I really did not understand your reason to feel insecure…no one is perfect.
First off – nobody/no body is perfect. None. Even the people that appear to be, that is just largely confidence showing through, rather than them having no imperfections. Let me ask you this though – if you were getting with a partner for the first time, you are getting along well, enjoy each other, and they start getting undressed – you see a stretch mark. Are you going to think any less of them as a person? Would you really even notice or make a deal out of it? Would it kill the moment for you? I highly doubt it, so why be so hard on yourself?
As a guy, the vast majority of us are not going to notice a lot of what women consider flaws with themselves. When we do, w don’t care. We are just happy to get to that point with you and want you to feel comfortable with your clothes off. Sex and relationships get significantly better when you can put your reservations and insecurities by the wayside, and start enjoying the moment with the person that you are with.
Regarding the age thing – life happens and takes its toll on everyone. I know objectively, after about two decades, weight fluctuations, pregnancies, etc., that me and my SO are not as objectively attractive as when we met, but I know I find her a lot more attractive than I ever have. A good, long term relationship is not near as superficial as one would think.
Good luck. Know that you have value regardless of whatever “flaws” you see. I hope you can find a way to get over the insecurities, because life is so much better when you can do that.
Hey OP, I’m sorry for what you’re going through, it must be really hard. I probably can’t make you feel much better, but if it helps: most guys don’t really know what stretch marks even are. Most of us are huge perverts that just want to see a girl’s butt. I don’t know what the hair thing you mentioned is but it sounds uncomfortable. I don’t know if you’ll appreciate this but one thing I look for on a date is a girl’s body hair. My last girlfriend had really hairy arms, I remember catching a glimpse of the hair when we sat down at a restaurant, she had some sweater on with the sleeves pulled up. I almost died right there seeing them, I was excited I could have burst uh under the table. It was so beautiful. I was so disappointed when I found out she had got her legs and armpits lasered! Anyway, I don’t know much about being perfect and how that’s supposed to look, I just know that most people disagree at least a bit on what it is that turns them on and gets them excited. I hope you can enjoy your body and find good partners that find you sexy. Good luck OP!
Don’t be afraid. The only way yo achieve confidence is to throw yourself to what You are afraid of. Don’t over think the matters. Ford sure mostly of guys think You are really pretty , beside all the things You describe.
Sounds like you could use some therapy. I hope you can overcome this hurdle and love yourself.
Please be patient. Being stressedx reduces a young womans glow. Go out with friends, engage with people at work, and participate in passtimes you enjoy. Strike up conversations. Keep opening doors. In the mean time journal and read.
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No relationship, is better than a forced, or bad one.
Idk I’m only 23 myself but I feel like I already care much less about my appearance than I did 1-2 years ago. Idk maybe it’s just that I have a job now and I got out of a pretty disappointing relationship last year, but I just have other things going on now.
21 is nowhere near old and I promise you, even as your body ages, your brain can only get more normal.
I totally understand you, I’m 23F with a healthy lean body and I’ve been struggling with my looks ever since I hit puberty and got stretch marks on my thighs and butt as well which made me insanely insecure and I began to self harm. At 14 I met my (still) boyfriend and he could not care less. From what I’ve read in the comments and what my bf tells me: guys don’t care at allllll. I know it’s hard, I judge myself everyday and makes it hard to feel confident, but trust me, you’ll find someone who loves you just the way you are and won’t notice the things on your body that make you feel insecure. Be patient with yourself, that feeling is horrible I know, but don’t let it stop you from meeting new people, and from being intimate with them, enjoy your body, I’m sure you’re a lovely and beautiful person <3 and remember that nobody is perfect!