My wife wants a third child and I do not. We always agreed we’d take it child by child and see how we feel after the next. We’ve had the conversation and I’m personally done – at least for now, but considering we’re not young I acknowledge that likely means done done. We have two amazing kids, but they’re taxing too (as all kids are) and I don’t think I could be the dad they deserve if spread even thinner. I also am just finally getting my wife back after years of feeling like an after thought. I just don’t think I can or want to do it all again.
My wife has anxiety that makes her easy to burn out – even with the kids in school so I carry a lot of the load and household stress on my shoulders. All the cooking, grocery shopping, carrying a very significant load on the parenting, and anything/everything relating to our financial health – long term and short. Plus managing her stresses which get pushed at me regularly and the day to day stresses of raising small children. I’m happy but I’m also at my limit, personally. But I know it’s very upsetting to her and that makes me feel horrible too.
14 comments
Not selfish, I’m sorry but I think she needs to be realistic about what a third child means and I think you need to schedule a vasectomy.
She’s the one who’s being selfish.
Raising our daughter together in the first 6 months. I see that this time is uniquely special for my wife as a mom. Its a space where she feels completely needed and fully engaged, it can be hard to let go of that complete sense of purpose. As children transition into different phases.
I would spend sometime really exploring with her how she feels about having a new baby. Ask open ended questions and avoid explaining how it wouldn’t work practically for the time being. Try to help her get in touch with the most basic need she is trying to meet. I’ve noticed with my wife we will uncover something more fundamental other than whatever action she is striving towards.
Maybe there is some grief she needs to process about stepping out of that role that infants need their mother to be. This can be painful and they may benefit from some counseling.
Think of the desire to have a baby as a strategy they are using to move towards a need. Find out if there are other things that can be done instead of that action.
I’d want more kids too if someone else was doing all the cooking, most the parenting and paying the bills!
Be realistic and honest with her about all you do, and that you don’t want to take on more. You are not being selfish.
Absolutely do not get a vasectomy behind your wife’s back as the other user suggested. That will do nothing good to the marriage.
It’s nit selfish you’re at your limit and you are within your agreement terms. If the agreement is check in with each other about it and one person is at their limit then that’s the end of it.
I would honestly sit her down and tell her this. Tell her you’re at your limit, she needs to get help for her mental health issues and she needs to realize she’s also at her limit considering you are brunt of the house hold task and child raising when she’s overwhelmed. That’s no situation to add a newborn I to the mix and you don’t want to mess up the family situation you already have. She WILL grieve the child she never had. That’s normal. You should also be empathetic to that. But stand your ground bc at the end of the day it will be YOU who takes on the brunt of a newborn if she isn’t willing to get help and sort herself out before bringing a child into the mix.
Remind her your agreement. You’re done and it’s not fair to you to be pressured into having more kids than you’re willing to have.
Are you guys open to marriage counselling? She might not listen and consider your reasoning 1-on-1 but maybe having someone mediate the conversation will help your POV stick.
If she can’t do more and you are at your capacity, it is not selfish to say no. It would be more selfish to have a child which you are not prepared to fully care for or which would cause you to neglect your already existing children.
When it comes to having children, 1 yes + 1 no should always = no.
You aren’t being selfish. Being at your limit isn’t wrong. It’s just where you are. I would sit her down and explain all this (if you haven’t already). It sounds like you are very in tune with her needs, and that’s great! But it also sounds like you have needs as well, and those should be heard in the marriage.
Many decisions in marriage require two yeses. Huge financial decisions? Two yeses. Should we have sex tonight? Two yeses. I want to move to another state. Two yeses.
Both partners need to enthusiastically agree about bringing another child into the world. Your “no” doesn’t make you selfish.
Hey don’t sweat it! Just be transparent with her and be open to possibilities. I don’t want a new job but at the rate I’m headed it’s inevitable! Can be positive or negative. That’s on me to accept.
We tried for 5 years for our youngest. She’s 3 now and the wife still was adamant on having another.. until now! We are finally on the same page and have no desire for more. We have raised 5 together and the job isn’t done! We decided it’s best to step back and enjoy the children we were blessed with. Just be honest about your thoughts and feelings and the rest will fall into place. Good luck to you my friend. I know the expectations set are hard shoes to fill. Even heavier to walk in them. You could want a child next year, and her feelings could change and maybe you’d switch places! Anything is possible
Get a puppy
Get a dog instead
Your body, your choice, but as someone who is married, your union demands honesty. If you can’t be honest with your spouse who can you be honest with? If you can’t talk to them, tell them everything, and what’s the point of being married to them?
The difficult to make that effort and have that hard conversation with your wife. She deserves transparency. Tell her your decision. Tell her why. And tell her it’s your choice to make.
It’s okay to be done, it’s okay for her to be sad, and it’s okay for you to still stand by your original boundaries. Don’t have a kid unless you want one, no matter how big the blow out is.